DEAR SURLY, I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon. My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too. We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely. We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a 'long-distance relationship.'
The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon. I don't want to force any unnecessary stress upon him, and I know he feels the same. What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out? Do you have any tips for maintaining it? -- COLLEGE-BOUND
COLLEGE, by advise is to make one date. It's going to be several months in the future, and you will agree to be civil to each other on this date.
You see, you're both going to see some more of the world, and there's really no way to tell what you'll see or how that will alter your perception of the world. Be prepared for change. There's a reason you here so few stories of high-school sweet hearts married for 50 happy years ... because it doesn't happen too often. Even after high school you have some growing up to do.
If you look at other people's experience, you're heading into a stage that is rife with change, and you and this boy mayn't come out on the same page after a splash into this new realm. That's okay. If you meet up in a few months, and you're still dedicated to each other, great! If you've found you're not where you thought you'd be, that's expected, and great too.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100517
17 May 2010
14 May 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: BOSS'S HINT OF COVER-UP MEANS IT'S TIME TO LEAVE
DEAR SURLY, I overheard my boss talking about something that sounded like a cover-up for an 'accident' involving some people he doesn't like. I would like to report him to the police, but he knows I heard him and I'm afraid if the police question him, my little girl or I could wind up having an 'accident,' too.
What should I do? Several people are already in the hospital. -- WORRIED SICK
WORRIED, if I read this right, this man is a menace, and he needs to be stopped. What if he hurts someone else because you did nothing? If the police need to be informed, you need to suck it up and do it, then take some measures to protect yourself and your family. You've already got his attention, you need to be prepared.
DEAR SURLY, I am a hospitalist, a physician who cares for hospitalized patients. When I enter a patient's room, I invariably find the television blaring. Usually the patient or family members will make no effort to mute the TV, and I must turn it off myself. Because they are paying me to communicate, I would assume they would want to hear what I have to say.
Occasionally patients have expressed irritation at having their TV turned off (they can turn it back on using the bedside control). It seems to me that good manners require one to turn off the television or radio or hang up the phone when the physician makes rounds. Am I wrong? -- HOSPITALIST IN THE NORTHEAST
HOSPITALIST, they're idiots. They love the TV because they are stupid. Odds are they won't understand what you tell them anyway. The best thing that you could do would be to be on the TV. Set up a camera in the hall, go in and change the channel to show your camera feed, and talk to them from there. They still won't understand you, but they will worship you, and that's all you can hope for from cretins.
DEAR SURLY, I have been married to my wife, 'Leigh,' for seven years. We have two sons, ages 4 and 2. I love Leigh and our sons very much.
Over the years I became increasingly dependent on drinking (beer). I have never been abusive, but Leigh expressed concern about it. I didn't think the problem was anything we couldn't deal with.
A little over a year ago, Leigh's mother died of cancer. It has been an extremely emotional time for her, and she has now decided she can no longer tolerate my behavior. She's not even sure she's in love with me anymore.
Hearing her say it made me realize how big a deal my drinking is, and I am committed to changing. But after a month of trying, Leigh still says she would be better off alone. She is starting counseling soon. I told her I'd go with her.
This is a painful period for us, and I can't imagine my life without her and the kids. Is it too late? -- SCARED SOBER IN AUSTIN
SCARED, it's not too late, but it may be out of your hands. If you comport yourself well while drinking, then what is the wife's issue with it? She has her own reasons and thoughts that you may not be able to understand and much less affect. It's good that you're trying, and she's going to therapy. Sounds like you're taking good steps toward keeping together. Keep it up. I don't know what the next step you'll have to take will be, but you will when you see it.7
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100514
What should I do? Several people are already in the hospital. -- WORRIED SICK
WORRIED, if I read this right, this man is a menace, and he needs to be stopped. What if he hurts someone else because you did nothing? If the police need to be informed, you need to suck it up and do it, then take some measures to protect yourself and your family. You've already got his attention, you need to be prepared.
DEAR SURLY, I am a hospitalist, a physician who cares for hospitalized patients. When I enter a patient's room, I invariably find the television blaring. Usually the patient or family members will make no effort to mute the TV, and I must turn it off myself. Because they are paying me to communicate, I would assume they would want to hear what I have to say.
Occasionally patients have expressed irritation at having their TV turned off (they can turn it back on using the bedside control). It seems to me that good manners require one to turn off the television or radio or hang up the phone when the physician makes rounds. Am I wrong? -- HOSPITALIST IN THE NORTHEAST
HOSPITALIST, they're idiots. They love the TV because they are stupid. Odds are they won't understand what you tell them anyway. The best thing that you could do would be to be on the TV. Set up a camera in the hall, go in and change the channel to show your camera feed, and talk to them from there. They still won't understand you, but they will worship you, and that's all you can hope for from cretins.
DEAR SURLY, I have been married to my wife, 'Leigh,' for seven years. We have two sons, ages 4 and 2. I love Leigh and our sons very much.
Over the years I became increasingly dependent on drinking (beer). I have never been abusive, but Leigh expressed concern about it. I didn't think the problem was anything we couldn't deal with.
A little over a year ago, Leigh's mother died of cancer. It has been an extremely emotional time for her, and she has now decided she can no longer tolerate my behavior. She's not even sure she's in love with me anymore.
Hearing her say it made me realize how big a deal my drinking is, and I am committed to changing. But after a month of trying, Leigh still says she would be better off alone. She is starting counseling soon. I told her I'd go with her.
This is a painful period for us, and I can't imagine my life without her and the kids. Is it too late? -- SCARED SOBER IN AUSTIN
SCARED, it's not too late, but it may be out of your hands. If you comport yourself well while drinking, then what is the wife's issue with it? She has her own reasons and thoughts that you may not be able to understand and much less affect. It's good that you're trying, and she's going to therapy. Sounds like you're taking good steps toward keeping together. Keep it up. I don't know what the next step you'll have to take will be, but you will when you see it.7
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100514
Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN'S SHAME OVER INFIDELITY PROMPTS THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE
DEAR SURLY, I have been married 19 years to a beautiful, accomplished woman. We have two wonderful children. I fooled around throughout my marriage because I could. I justified it by telling myself the women knew what they were doing, and I never made any false promises about leaving my wife. She suspected a couple of times, but always gave me the benefit of the doubt.
My last affair ended publicly with every gory detail exposed. My family, work, reputation -- everything that mattered to me -- have been destroyed. I can't talk about any of it to a therapist because I am so ashamed. Friends, family and co-workers now shun me. I have hit rock bottom.
If you have a hopeful solution, please share it. Otherwise, please print this as a warning to other men like me that when they hit bottom -- as will surely happen -- there's nowhere to turn. I want to end my life. -- SHATTERED IN LOUISIANA
SHATTERED, suicide might be a good option, because you think it's all about you. You fooled around, things important to you were destroyed, you are ashamed and you hit rock bottom. Are you even capable of thinking about how other people feel? If you were, do they want to see you dead? (Well, some of them probably do, but all of them?)
Listen, you might be a terrible husband, a bad father, and a pathetic human being, but you're not fated to stay that way. You have a chance to be a better person before you die. The question then is, how do you want people to remember you?
DEAR SURLY, My mother and I rarely get along -- mainly because she thinks she's fabulous and I don't. I'm in my 30s, married with a child and have a career. I am tired of riding an emotional roller coaster with Mother.
She is planning her next visit and I don't want her to come. Her visits end up lasting a week or more, and her conversation consists of complaining, making snide comments about my house and how I am raising my child (under the guise of being 'helpful'), and then whining because I don't have the time or desire to entertain or placate her.
Can you tell me how to tell her that visits to my house are no longer welcomed? -- DONE WITH THE DRAMA
DRAMA, that's easy: distance. You can still visit you're mother sometimes, and you kid should see her, but if/when she does come, make some distance. Let her get a hotel, don't spend all day with her. Less time together is less time for her to make jabs. Good fences make for good neighbors the same as a bit of distance makes for manageable families.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100513
My last affair ended publicly with every gory detail exposed. My family, work, reputation -- everything that mattered to me -- have been destroyed. I can't talk about any of it to a therapist because I am so ashamed. Friends, family and co-workers now shun me. I have hit rock bottom.
If you have a hopeful solution, please share it. Otherwise, please print this as a warning to other men like me that when they hit bottom -- as will surely happen -- there's nowhere to turn. I want to end my life. -- SHATTERED IN LOUISIANA
SHATTERED, suicide might be a good option, because you think it's all about you. You fooled around, things important to you were destroyed, you are ashamed and you hit rock bottom. Are you even capable of thinking about how other people feel? If you were, do they want to see you dead? (Well, some of them probably do, but all of them?)
Listen, you might be a terrible husband, a bad father, and a pathetic human being, but you're not fated to stay that way. You have a chance to be a better person before you die. The question then is, how do you want people to remember you?
DEAR SURLY, My mother and I rarely get along -- mainly because she thinks she's fabulous and I don't. I'm in my 30s, married with a child and have a career. I am tired of riding an emotional roller coaster with Mother.
She is planning her next visit and I don't want her to come. Her visits end up lasting a week or more, and her conversation consists of complaining, making snide comments about my house and how I am raising my child (under the guise of being 'helpful'), and then whining because I don't have the time or desire to entertain or placate her.
Can you tell me how to tell her that visits to my house are no longer welcomed? -- DONE WITH THE DRAMA
DRAMA, that's easy: distance. You can still visit you're mother sometimes, and you kid should see her, but if/when she does come, make some distance. Let her get a hotel, don't spend all day with her. Less time together is less time for her to make jabs. Good fences make for good neighbors the same as a bit of distance makes for manageable families.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100513
07 May 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: SALARY AND BENEFITS ARE PRIME TOPICS FOR INTERVIEW
DEAR SURLY, My co-workers and I would like your opinion on the following question: Is it appropriate to ask about the salary during a job interview? Half of us say, 'Yes. When better to ask what the pay will be?' Others say, 'No, it's in poor taste.' What do you think? -- ALL BETS ARE IN
BETS, taste plays no part in the dog-eat-dog interview world. The interview is a proposal of a relationship, and coming out of the interview both parties should know what they can be expected to bring into and take out of the relationship. Of course you should ask about the wage! Don't be stupid. That's a big part of why you want the job, and to not ask it not just stupid, it's really damned stupid.
DEAR SURLY: My husband of more than 20 years decided that the grass was greener on the other side, and now I find myself on the dating scene again. I had breast reduction surgery, thinking I would be with my husband for the rest of my life. Now I don't know how to bring up the subject if I find a man with whom I want to be intimate.
I know a man should love me for who I am on the inside, but I can't help but feel that the scars I carry on the outside will make him turn and walk away. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having had the surgery, but there is nothing I can do about that now.
When do I tell the guy about my scars? I don't want this to get in the way of sharing my life with someone. -- SCARRED IN ARIZONA
SCARRED, an unmarked breast is a rare thing these days. You should not need to explain your scars. In fact, if they are very noticeable scars, any expatiation should be made by your surgeon. It's the 21st century, and while scarring from such a procedure is inevitable, any decent surgeon should be able keep them unobtrusive.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Rick,' and I have been married 20 years. He's a veteran who is completely disabled. We live in a very secluded area. The nearest town is 60 miles away, and I can't be gone long because of Rick's needs.
I'm lonely. My family lives in another state. Rick said years ago that we would move to where my family members are. But now he refuses because he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.
Some days I am more down than others. Our home is on the market, but we won't be going far -- just a bit closer to the town where Rick's family is. When I bring up the subject of missing my relatives, Rick gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. I long for my family -- and for many other things as well. Could you share your feelings on this, please? -- NOWHERE IN MONTANA
NOWHERE, dig him a hole and throw him in it. Don't feel bad because he's acting dead already, so if you treat him like a corpse it seems like it would be fair. He's dragging you into dead with him. You can still be resuscitated. In order to live, you have to live. Maybe by embracing life, you can drag him back toward life too, but you can't make him so be prepared.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100507
BETS, taste plays no part in the dog-eat-dog interview world. The interview is a proposal of a relationship, and coming out of the interview both parties should know what they can be expected to bring into and take out of the relationship. Of course you should ask about the wage! Don't be stupid. That's a big part of why you want the job, and to not ask it not just stupid, it's really damned stupid.
DEAR SURLY: My husband of more than 20 years decided that the grass was greener on the other side, and now I find myself on the dating scene again. I had breast reduction surgery, thinking I would be with my husband for the rest of my life. Now I don't know how to bring up the subject if I find a man with whom I want to be intimate.
I know a man should love me for who I am on the inside, but I can't help but feel that the scars I carry on the outside will make him turn and walk away. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having had the surgery, but there is nothing I can do about that now.
When do I tell the guy about my scars? I don't want this to get in the way of sharing my life with someone. -- SCARRED IN ARIZONA
SCARRED, an unmarked breast is a rare thing these days. You should not need to explain your scars. In fact, if they are very noticeable scars, any expatiation should be made by your surgeon. It's the 21st century, and while scarring from such a procedure is inevitable, any decent surgeon should be able keep them unobtrusive.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Rick,' and I have been married 20 years. He's a veteran who is completely disabled. We live in a very secluded area. The nearest town is 60 miles away, and I can't be gone long because of Rick's needs.
I'm lonely. My family lives in another state. Rick said years ago that we would move to where my family members are. But now he refuses because he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.
Some days I am more down than others. Our home is on the market, but we won't be going far -- just a bit closer to the town where Rick's family is. When I bring up the subject of missing my relatives, Rick gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. I long for my family -- and for many other things as well. Could you share your feelings on this, please? -- NOWHERE IN MONTANA
NOWHERE, dig him a hole and throw him in it. Don't feel bad because he's acting dead already, so if you treat him like a corpse it seems like it would be fair. He's dragging you into dead with him. You can still be resuscitated. In order to live, you have to live. Maybe by embracing life, you can drag him back toward life too, but you can't make him so be prepared.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100507
06 May 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: A RIVAL'S COMPLAINT TRIGGERS FIRING ON WORKER'S FIRST DAY
DEAR SURLY, My wife was hired for an administrative position. On her first day of work, they called her into the human resources director's office and told her she was being 'let go' because of her website. The site has photos of her when she worked as a model for a large department store. They are in no way provocative or overly revealing. Photos of our children are also on the site.
The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!
We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an 'at will' employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY
YANKEE, money makes the world go round, and companies have all of the money ... they can pretty much do what they want. Sure, they're pricks, but the law allows it. Bright side is that if this is the company's attitude, it might be more unpleasant if your wife worked there.
DEAR SURLY, My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an 'I'm sorry' note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE
AMENDS, you're a big man to apologize though you don't feel you started it. Good man. Personally, I would think a face to face would be easier than a note so you can look the injured party in the eye. Don't dwell on who started it, just let them know that you regret your part in the altercation.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.
Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think 'Ellen' would love to have one of my silk scarves, and 'Peter' would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or 'Annemarie' would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.
Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH
TRAVELER, if you have them all over, there will still be hard feelings as to who grabs what. Instead of showing them all the stuff you have and letting them ruminate on the things they don't get, just do as you planned, and give each person a hand-chosen gift.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100504
The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!
We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an 'at will' employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY
YANKEE, money makes the world go round, and companies have all of the money ... they can pretty much do what they want. Sure, they're pricks, but the law allows it. Bright side is that if this is the company's attitude, it might be more unpleasant if your wife worked there.
DEAR SURLY, My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an 'I'm sorry' note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE
AMENDS, you're a big man to apologize though you don't feel you started it. Good man. Personally, I would think a face to face would be easier than a note so you can look the injured party in the eye. Don't dwell on who started it, just let them know that you regret your part in the altercation.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.
Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think 'Ellen' would love to have one of my silk scarves, and 'Peter' would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or 'Annemarie' would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.
Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH
TRAVELER, if you have them all over, there will still be hard feelings as to who grabs what. Instead of showing them all the stuff you have and letting them ruminate on the things they don't get, just do as you planned, and give each person a hand-chosen gift.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100504
05 May 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: VICTIM OF HERPES INFECTION FEELS CONSUMED BY ANGER
DEAR SURLY, I recently got genital herpes. I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.
The man I caught the virus from, 'Jack,' claims he didn't know he had herpes. I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? -- OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI
OUTRAGED, you're kidding, right? You could have taken some steps to have prevented it, and you didn't. Now you have herpes, so you're going to be ostracized and exiled right? No. You live in a civilized world and we don't do that sort of thing. Life goes on, and so will yours. Geez.
As for what you can do to Jack, unless you can prove that he knew he had herpes and that he was purposefully spreading it, the law won't be too much help. Maybe just quit being a victim and buck up.
DEAR SURLY, I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1.
My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.
My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, 'Do you see that 'Cate' is so big-boned and I am so petite?' It hurts, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? -- 'CATE' IN OKLAHOMA CITY
CATE, I think she's hinting that she's skinny and you ain't. Hints like that are childish and rude, so when she says them treat her like a child. Maybe you are big-boned, but it's entirely up to you to decided if you're happy that way or if you want to fight it. When she pipes up, thank her for her grasp of the obvious, and send her to her room without supper.
DEAR SURLY: Early this year, my mother went to the curb to collect the empty trash bin and put it away for the week. As she wheeled it behind her home, she slipped on the ice and broke her hip. She lives alone and was in the back of her property where nobody could see or hear her.
Fortunately, she'd had the foresight to grab her cell phone before she went outside. Because she was unable to stand up she could have frozen to death. She called 911 and within minutes an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital.
Mom had surgery to repair the hip and is recovering, but it was a close call. This is a reminder to your readers that if they live alone -- or have parents who do -- to make sure to have a cell phone available at all times. -- RELIEVED SON IN ELKHART, IND.
RELIEVED, Mom is smart. She knew that she might need that phone, and she was ready. If everyone could admit he might need help, there would be lot fewer tragedies.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100505
The man I caught the virus from, 'Jack,' claims he didn't know he had herpes. I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? -- OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI
OUTRAGED, you're kidding, right? You could have taken some steps to have prevented it, and you didn't. Now you have herpes, so you're going to be ostracized and exiled right? No. You live in a civilized world and we don't do that sort of thing. Life goes on, and so will yours. Geez.
As for what you can do to Jack, unless you can prove that he knew he had herpes and that he was purposefully spreading it, the law won't be too much help. Maybe just quit being a victim and buck up.
DEAR SURLY, I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1.
My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.
My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, 'Do you see that 'Cate' is so big-boned and I am so petite?' It hurts, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? -- 'CATE' IN OKLAHOMA CITY
CATE, I think she's hinting that she's skinny and you ain't. Hints like that are childish and rude, so when she says them treat her like a child. Maybe you are big-boned, but it's entirely up to you to decided if you're happy that way or if you want to fight it. When she pipes up, thank her for her grasp of the obvious, and send her to her room without supper.
DEAR SURLY: Early this year, my mother went to the curb to collect the empty trash bin and put it away for the week. As she wheeled it behind her home, she slipped on the ice and broke her hip. She lives alone and was in the back of her property where nobody could see or hear her.
Fortunately, she'd had the foresight to grab her cell phone before she went outside. Because she was unable to stand up she could have frozen to death. She called 911 and within minutes an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital.
Mom had surgery to repair the hip and is recovering, but it was a close call. This is a reminder to your readers that if they live alone -- or have parents who do -- to make sure to have a cell phone available at all times. -- RELIEVED SON IN ELKHART, IND.
RELIEVED, Mom is smart. She knew that she might need that phone, and she was ready. If everyone could admit he might need help, there would be lot fewer tragedies.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100505
03 May 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN ADOPTS BACHELOR HABITS THE MINUTE HE GETS MARRIED
DEAR SURLY, It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.
If he hasn't learned things like 'garbage goes into the garbage can' or 'aim for the bowl' by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH
NEWLYWED, I find it odd that you don't mention your age or how long you knew him before you exchanged vows. I have a little insight into Utah, however, so I dare hazard some guesses: young, and not long enough.
Are you sure these habits are newly adopted? He could have had a mother that just cleaned up after him and he's never learned that he has to pee in the bowl. No matter what though, 100 lbs isn't well. It's like having another wee person in your relationship, and too many people often means someone has to leave. First, tell him he's a pig and needs to straighten out, second, he might be ill, so if he needs a doctors help, do what you can.
It won't be easy, but maybe leaving doesn't have to be the ultimate solution.
DEAR SURLY, I have been dating 'Irving' for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.
He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.
Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE
CAUTIOUS, if you're not willing to drop a bad investment, you're going to lose everything. He wants to control your volume, your weight, and your behavior. I'm no head doctor, but I think you might have a control freak there. If you land this guy, you also get to land the end making your own decisions, maybe having your own friends. Maybe that's a relief to you.
DEAR SURLY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.
Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
MICHELLE, you want your in-laws to relent smoking indoors for a few days a year for the health of your young one? That sounds pretty reasonable. If they are reasonable they should conclude the same, but if they are the not too uncommon unreasonable flavor of in-law, be ready for a knock-down-drag-out. I hope you win.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100503
If he hasn't learned things like 'garbage goes into the garbage can' or 'aim for the bowl' by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH
NEWLYWED, I find it odd that you don't mention your age or how long you knew him before you exchanged vows. I have a little insight into Utah, however, so I dare hazard some guesses: young, and not long enough.
Are you sure these habits are newly adopted? He could have had a mother that just cleaned up after him and he's never learned that he has to pee in the bowl. No matter what though, 100 lbs isn't well. It's like having another wee person in your relationship, and too many people often means someone has to leave. First, tell him he's a pig and needs to straighten out, second, he might be ill, so if he needs a doctors help, do what you can.
It won't be easy, but maybe leaving doesn't have to be the ultimate solution.
DEAR SURLY, I have been dating 'Irving' for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.
He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.
Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE
CAUTIOUS, if you're not willing to drop a bad investment, you're going to lose everything. He wants to control your volume, your weight, and your behavior. I'm no head doctor, but I think you might have a control freak there. If you land this guy, you also get to land the end making your own decisions, maybe having your own friends. Maybe that's a relief to you.
DEAR SURLY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.
Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
MICHELLE, you want your in-laws to relent smoking indoors for a few days a year for the health of your young one? That sounds pretty reasonable. If they are reasonable they should conclude the same, but if they are the not too uncommon unreasonable flavor of in-law, be ready for a knock-down-drag-out. I hope you win.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100503
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