DEAR SURLY, My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.
Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND
CONFLICTED, the word you are looking for is trust. Not trust in your brother because he's pathological, no I mean as in the financial instrument. Such things can be managed in very strict ways, and make it hard to engage in shady dealings.
DEAR SURLY, I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, 'Sally.' I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.
Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, 'John,' found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.
Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.
THROWN UNDER, monogamy is unnatural. It's something that we do in order to profess our devotion to our chosen mates. Most mates don't adequately appreciate this when they have it. When someone decides to forgo their devotion, then that relationship should, rightfully be ended.
You got stuck in a tough spot, and you screwed it up.
You should have told your friend that an affair isn't cool. Her husband should know that she was unable to fulfill that monogamy she promised. And when the husband called, you should have been able to say "it's not my place to tell you, but I told her to tell you!"
One way or the other, you were entangled with messed up people, and miss them you may, but you can't make them get past their weird response to a convoluted situation.
DEAR SURLY, Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.
Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.
Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS
PROUD, you're too cute. Now teach them to wash dishes or tidy their rooms while the read the TV and I'll throw you a goddamned party.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100429
30 April 2010
28 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS
DEAR SURLY, Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.
I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or 'too sensitive.' He also tells me what to wear.
Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA
BEATEN DOWN, So to sum up: he treats you like crap and you let him. Okay, I'll not take odds that he projects a feeling that it's your fault because you're inadequate somehow, and if you were just better everything will be fine. You can't change his behavior, and nothing you have done seems to help, so do something else. Get out, get help, get drastic. There are whole organizations and a couple of cable TV channels for mistreated women--they're trying to tell you that you don't need to put up with it.
DEAR SURLY, How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.
The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.
He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE
RELATIVE, best thing to do with a thief in your midst is to get him out of your midst. If you disinvite him, and he demands an explanation, then you had better have some compelling reasons for your accusations, but if you feel like you have a good case, it might be a confrontation worth having.
DEAR SURLY, My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.
Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, 'Ask your mom ...' things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE
NOT MOMMY, if you look like a duck and quack like a duck don't bother correcting people when they assume you're a duck.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100428
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS
I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or 'too sensitive.' He also tells me what to wear.
Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA
BEATEN DOWN, So to sum up: he treats you like crap and you let him. Okay, I'll not take odds that he projects a feeling that it's your fault because you're inadequate somehow, and if you were just better everything will be fine. You can't change his behavior, and nothing you have done seems to help, so do something else. Get out, get help, get drastic. There are whole organizations and a couple of cable TV channels for mistreated women--they're trying to tell you that you don't need to put up with it.
DEAR SURLY, How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.
The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.
He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE
RELATIVE, best thing to do with a thief in your midst is to get him out of your midst. If you disinvite him, and he demands an explanation, then you had better have some compelling reasons for your accusations, but if you feel like you have a good case, it might be a confrontation worth having.
DEAR SURLY, My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.
Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, 'Ask your mom ...' things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE
NOT MOMMY, if you look like a duck and quack like a duck don't bother correcting people when they assume you're a duck.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100428
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS
26 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN
DEAR SURLY, Nine years ago, my sister and I gave birth on the same day. Her daughter lived; my son died the next day.
At my niece's birthday parties my family insists on bringing gifts for my deceased son. My niece opens his gifts and my mother and sister then take them to the cemetery. They also order a special birthday cake for him along with the one for my niece.
I have tried telling them several times that this is confusing to my 6-year-old son, and it depresses my husband and me. My husband refuses to attend any more of my niece's birthday parties until the gifts/cake for our deceased son stop, and I'm about ready to join him.
Are we being 'too uptight,' as my family says, and is this behavior on the part of my family normal? Are we right to ask them to stop? And how do we convey this to them without hurting their feelings again? -- MOURNING MOTHER IN BIG SPRING, TEXAS
MOURNING MOTHER, looking at it from your sister's point of view: her daughter's birthday will always be a reminder of your loss, so she wants to mitigate that somehow. It's pretty normal in some cultures to have gifts and drinks for the deceased, so she mayn't think her idea is weird at all. The thing to do is to just tell her the truth. Something like, "I know you're trying to help, but I think all the fuss just makes it worse for me. Could you please stop the gift tradition?"
She may also use this to deal with some feelings of her own, and she may resist giving it up, but I think that unlikely. If she does, just bow out of the party in the future. Stop by a couple of days early to give your niece a hug, a gift, and "sorry I won't make it to the party."
DEAR SURLY, I can't seem to grow up. I think I may have something similar to a Peter Pan complex. I often fantasize about my childhood. I miss it more than I should. I am a 25-year-old female.
I also do things that people usually do at younger ages. I put stickers all over everything. I like coloring books, and feel comfortable in kids' clothing. I watch youth-oriented TV shows people my age are not interested in.
I'm in college, and try hard to put these things behind me, but it's a constant battle. They stay in the forefront of my mind. With each passing year it gets harder to hide.
My parents think I act this way for attention, but it's embarrassing and I often don't realize that I'm doing something childish. In contrast, my big brother (age 29) is out of college, married and leading a positive, normal life. Do I need help? -- CHILDISH ADULT
CHILDISH, grown up is a state of mind. Some adults are children, and some children have to be adults. Since you seem to have the leisure, enjoy the kid time you have. For most everyone these times ebb, and we only get to visit them a couple of times a year at Disneyland or something.
DEAR SURLY, While in a department store recently, I lost my credit cards, driver's license, important papers and a sizable sum of money. Two employees called me later to say they had found my belongings.
When I returned to the store to pick up my things, I presented the young women with a basket of fruits and chocolate along with my thanks. Some friends told me I was wrong not to reward them with money. Did I do the right thing? -- IN LUCK IN NEW YORK
LUCKY, I think the cash reward was originally a way to keep the dishonest placated. When someone finds a wad of cash, there's always a temptation to keep it. Most honest folk will return your cash to you merely because its the right thing to do. Sometimes there are people who really want/need that money, and it's hard for them to give it up. In those cases a little cash consolation prize will help to reinforce the decision they made.
If the people who returned your wallet weren't sorely tempted, they didn't need or want cash from you. If I returned a wallet to you, no matter the amount therein, I would refuse a reward. I don't know about the folks who returned your stuff, but it seems you made a sincere thanks, and to some people that's better than greenbacks.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100426
Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN
At my niece's birthday parties my family insists on bringing gifts for my deceased son. My niece opens his gifts and my mother and sister then take them to the cemetery. They also order a special birthday cake for him along with the one for my niece.
I have tried telling them several times that this is confusing to my 6-year-old son, and it depresses my husband and me. My husband refuses to attend any more of my niece's birthday parties until the gifts/cake for our deceased son stop, and I'm about ready to join him.
Are we being 'too uptight,' as my family says, and is this behavior on the part of my family normal? Are we right to ask them to stop? And how do we convey this to them without hurting their feelings again? -- MOURNING MOTHER IN BIG SPRING, TEXAS
MOURNING MOTHER, looking at it from your sister's point of view: her daughter's birthday will always be a reminder of your loss, so she wants to mitigate that somehow. It's pretty normal in some cultures to have gifts and drinks for the deceased, so she mayn't think her idea is weird at all. The thing to do is to just tell her the truth. Something like, "I know you're trying to help, but I think all the fuss just makes it worse for me. Could you please stop the gift tradition?"
She may also use this to deal with some feelings of her own, and she may resist giving it up, but I think that unlikely. If she does, just bow out of the party in the future. Stop by a couple of days early to give your niece a hug, a gift, and "sorry I won't make it to the party."
DEAR SURLY, I can't seem to grow up. I think I may have something similar to a Peter Pan complex. I often fantasize about my childhood. I miss it more than I should. I am a 25-year-old female.
I also do things that people usually do at younger ages. I put stickers all over everything. I like coloring books, and feel comfortable in kids' clothing. I watch youth-oriented TV shows people my age are not interested in.
I'm in college, and try hard to put these things behind me, but it's a constant battle. They stay in the forefront of my mind. With each passing year it gets harder to hide.
My parents think I act this way for attention, but it's embarrassing and I often don't realize that I'm doing something childish. In contrast, my big brother (age 29) is out of college, married and leading a positive, normal life. Do I need help? -- CHILDISH ADULT
CHILDISH, grown up is a state of mind. Some adults are children, and some children have to be adults. Since you seem to have the leisure, enjoy the kid time you have. For most everyone these times ebb, and we only get to visit them a couple of times a year at Disneyland or something.
DEAR SURLY, While in a department store recently, I lost my credit cards, driver's license, important papers and a sizable sum of money. Two employees called me later to say they had found my belongings.
When I returned to the store to pick up my things, I presented the young women with a basket of fruits and chocolate along with my thanks. Some friends told me I was wrong not to reward them with money. Did I do the right thing? -- IN LUCK IN NEW YORK
LUCKY, I think the cash reward was originally a way to keep the dishonest placated. When someone finds a wad of cash, there's always a temptation to keep it. Most honest folk will return your cash to you merely because its the right thing to do. Sometimes there are people who really want/need that money, and it's hard for them to give it up. In those cases a little cash consolation prize will help to reinforce the decision they made.
If the people who returned your wallet weren't sorely tempted, they didn't need or want cash from you. If I returned a wallet to you, no matter the amount therein, I would refuse a reward. I don't know about the folks who returned your stuff, but it seems you made a sincere thanks, and to some people that's better than greenbacks.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100426
Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN
23 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: COLLEGE NEATNIK SACRIFICES FUN FOR A SQUEAKY CLEAN APARTMENT
DEAR SURLY, I have been overly neat since I was in middle school. I am now in college and feel I have reached the breaking point because I'm such a neat freak. I love having everything neat and tidy, but I now spend less time being a 22-year-old and more time cleaning, scrubbing and organizing.
I can't sleep if I know there is clutter somewhere in the apartment. I have passed up going out with friends if my apartment isn't perfect. Everything has a place and a label. It's getting tiring because I realize I haven't had any good wholesome fun in a long time. I wish I could relax and be OK with clutter like everyone else, instead of wasting my life cleaning. Any advice? -- OVERLY ORGANIZED IN TEXAS
ORGANIZED, we all have quirks. Problems begin at the point when our quirks interfere with the ability to lead a normal life. You should be able to look back and see that point somewhere behind you. Don't misunderstand, tidy is nice, but a life uncluttered is the sign of a deranged mind.
You can get help. Get a high maintenance girlfriend and a demanding job. Take a job in the retail industry. After a full load of people wanting you to clean up after them, I can assure you you'll decide that tidy isn't worth all the investment. Especially when it's so fleeting.
DEAR SURLY, I'm a 20-year-old female who has been dating my boyfriend, 'Will,' for three years. Our long-distance relationship was going along just fine until the topic of his 21st birthday came up recently. Will mentioned in passing that he's planning on going to a strip club with friends to celebrate this momentous birthday.
Will says he just likes to look at women, that all men do and it's completely fine. He didn't seem to care how I felt about it. His mind was already made up. He wants me to be more accepting of who he is, but it turns my stomach to think of him hanging out at a strip club.
Is a young man in a committed relationship going to a strip club to drink and view naked women 'normal'? Should I not take this so personally? Or am I right to see this as a lack of commitment to me? -- OFFENDED IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.
OFFENDED, normal is as normal does, and in our era this is pretty normal. Most of Western Society is built on naked or mostly naked ladies.
You wouldn't be the only girl offended by his escapade, however, so do as so many do: expect better. And if he can't give it to you, then you know what to do.
DEAR SURLY, I am 42 years old and being married for the first time in October. My parents divorced more than 20 years ago and both remarried. My father will walk me down the aisle.
Dad lost my stepmother two years ago, and is still having a hard time with it emotionally. Because of my age, I don't expect anything from my parents except their emotional support.
If it's all right with my parents, do you think it would be appropriate to put on the invitations, 'In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of (my stepmother's name)'? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS
LOVING DAUGHTER, "all right"?! Hell, that's kick ass. If you don't need the stuff, you know that there are people who do. Way to lend a hand, and I applaud you for it.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100423
I can't sleep if I know there is clutter somewhere in the apartment. I have passed up going out with friends if my apartment isn't perfect. Everything has a place and a label. It's getting tiring because I realize I haven't had any good wholesome fun in a long time. I wish I could relax and be OK with clutter like everyone else, instead of wasting my life cleaning. Any advice? -- OVERLY ORGANIZED IN TEXAS
ORGANIZED, we all have quirks. Problems begin at the point when our quirks interfere with the ability to lead a normal life. You should be able to look back and see that point somewhere behind you. Don't misunderstand, tidy is nice, but a life uncluttered is the sign of a deranged mind.
You can get help. Get a high maintenance girlfriend and a demanding job. Take a job in the retail industry. After a full load of people wanting you to clean up after them, I can assure you you'll decide that tidy isn't worth all the investment. Especially when it's so fleeting.
DEAR SURLY, I'm a 20-year-old female who has been dating my boyfriend, 'Will,' for three years. Our long-distance relationship was going along just fine until the topic of his 21st birthday came up recently. Will mentioned in passing that he's planning on going to a strip club with friends to celebrate this momentous birthday.
Will says he just likes to look at women, that all men do and it's completely fine. He didn't seem to care how I felt about it. His mind was already made up. He wants me to be more accepting of who he is, but it turns my stomach to think of him hanging out at a strip club.
Is a young man in a committed relationship going to a strip club to drink and view naked women 'normal'? Should I not take this so personally? Or am I right to see this as a lack of commitment to me? -- OFFENDED IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.
OFFENDED, normal is as normal does, and in our era this is pretty normal. Most of Western Society is built on naked or mostly naked ladies.
You wouldn't be the only girl offended by his escapade, however, so do as so many do: expect better. And if he can't give it to you, then you know what to do.
DEAR SURLY, I am 42 years old and being married for the first time in October. My parents divorced more than 20 years ago and both remarried. My father will walk me down the aisle.
Dad lost my stepmother two years ago, and is still having a hard time with it emotionally. Because of my age, I don't expect anything from my parents except their emotional support.
If it's all right with my parents, do you think it would be appropriate to put on the invitations, 'In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of (my stepmother's name)'? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS
LOVING DAUGHTER, "all right"?! Hell, that's kick ass. If you don't need the stuff, you know that there are people who do. Way to lend a hand, and I applaud you for it.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100423
20 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: TEENAGER'S PUPPY LOVE DELIVERS A PAINFUL BITE
DEAR SURLY, I'm 13, and my 'first kiss' just broke up with me. My dad says it's just puppy love, which may be true, but I have a feeling that I need to be with him. What hurts even more is he had a new girlfriend the next day.
I have tried moving on, but I don't think I want to. I want to try to get back with him, but I don't know how. Can you help me? -- ACHING HEART IN IOWA
ACHING HEART, the only difference between a kid (you) and an adult is experience. I think we've all experienced that first, awkward romance that we aren't equipped to handle, ergo, most of us understand what you're going through. And that feeling you have that no one understands you ... we understand that too. It's okay. You're 13 and more flexible than you realize. You don't need to be with this guy. Just learn from the experience, and inevitably you will move on. Trust me.
If it makes you feel better, someday he'll feel the same way too. Revenge mayn't be noble, but it's funny.
DEAR SURLY, Would you please print this to educate your readers about something I witness every summer -- parents encouraging little kids to take native wildlife.
I watched a 6-year-old girl show off the two palm-sized baby turtles her dad had 'given' her from the lake, and put them into a plastic container to take home. Abby, they were snapping turtles! Mom won't be pleased when those 'pets' snap a finger.
Then there was the mom who thought it would be fun for her 7-year-old boy to play with a few frogs in their dry, dense, sun-drenched backyard. Within an hour, the amphibians had escaped and, best guess is, they died and became dehydrated, sun-dried critters or dog food.
Not only is it illegal to take wildlife on a whim, but it's also selfish. At a time when we're already damaging our planet for our recreational pastimes, we need to be teaching our kids that living beings are not toys, but rather a valuable part of natural ecosystems. It's so much more fun to observe and learn from a turtle swimming free in the lake. Please urge parents to stop being so thoughtless, or they may end up with a ticket or a missing digit. -- WILDLIFE PRESERVER IN LAFAYETTE, COLO.
WILDLIFE, people are pricks. We have entitlement issues, and there's no way I can write a note to tell everyone to leave everything the fuck alone. Better would be to speak up when you hear it. Nothing like a little confrontation to drill ideas into people.
DEAR SURLY, How do you attract single women while on a budget? -- GARY IN LONGWOOD, FLA.
GARY, you're only hope is great abs.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100420
I have tried moving on, but I don't think I want to. I want to try to get back with him, but I don't know how. Can you help me? -- ACHING HEART IN IOWA
ACHING HEART, the only difference between a kid (you) and an adult is experience. I think we've all experienced that first, awkward romance that we aren't equipped to handle, ergo, most of us understand what you're going through. And that feeling you have that no one understands you ... we understand that too. It's okay. You're 13 and more flexible than you realize. You don't need to be with this guy. Just learn from the experience, and inevitably you will move on. Trust me.
If it makes you feel better, someday he'll feel the same way too. Revenge mayn't be noble, but it's funny.
DEAR SURLY, Would you please print this to educate your readers about something I witness every summer -- parents encouraging little kids to take native wildlife.
I watched a 6-year-old girl show off the two palm-sized baby turtles her dad had 'given' her from the lake, and put them into a plastic container to take home. Abby, they were snapping turtles! Mom won't be pleased when those 'pets' snap a finger.
Then there was the mom who thought it would be fun for her 7-year-old boy to play with a few frogs in their dry, dense, sun-drenched backyard. Within an hour, the amphibians had escaped and, best guess is, they died and became dehydrated, sun-dried critters or dog food.
Not only is it illegal to take wildlife on a whim, but it's also selfish. At a time when we're already damaging our planet for our recreational pastimes, we need to be teaching our kids that living beings are not toys, but rather a valuable part of natural ecosystems. It's so much more fun to observe and learn from a turtle swimming free in the lake. Please urge parents to stop being so thoughtless, or they may end up with a ticket or a missing digit. -- WILDLIFE PRESERVER IN LAFAYETTE, COLO.
WILDLIFE, people are pricks. We have entitlement issues, and there's no way I can write a note to tell everyone to leave everything the fuck alone. Better would be to speak up when you hear it. Nothing like a little confrontation to drill ideas into people.
DEAR SURLY, How do you attract single women while on a budget? -- GARY IN LONGWOOD, FLA.
GARY, you're only hope is great abs.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100420
16 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN WITH SAILOR'S MOUTH ROCKS THE BOAT AT HOME
DEAR SURLY, I have been married for seven years to a man who curses something awful. We have three children, and he curses at them, too, when he's angry. I'm afraid his verbal abuse is destroying our children's self-esteem, and I have asked him repeatedly to stop it. I even threatened to leave if he doesn't clean up his act.
When he swears, it sends shivers up my spine and I get angry. We used to have heated arguments, but I have learned to watch my mouth. I thought he would get the idea if I set an example, but he didn't even notice.
He was in the Navy, and for a long time he blamed his cursing on his time in the military. Well, he has been out for 12 years now and that excuse is a little tired. I have made plans to leave him and will stick with my decision unless he's willing to make a serious effort to control his mouth. In the meantime, what do you suggest I do? I've tried everything -- even prayer. -- READY TO WALK IN VIRGINIA
READY TO WALK, cussing is a form of communication. I find that excessive cussing springs from a mouth with no adequate means of expressing itself. You can do absolutely nothing to change another person's behavior--not even prayer! You can walk, or you could try some things that might make him really realize what he's doing. Next time he takes a tirade on a kid, point out to the kid (with husband in full earshot) that the language is merely a fool's way of expressing frustration, and a small man's way to make other's feel low. Learn from his bad example.
P.S. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that prayer didn't work ... it works for everything else.
DEAR SURLY, I have a delicate problem. My boss's wife wears a very strong perfume. Every time she walks into the office, I get a headache and feel nauseated for hours. I am allergic to perfume, and women do not seem to understand that while they 'think' they smell good, they are really making me sick.
When the boss's wife comes in, I try to stay in my office, but the smell is so overpowering I can't escape. How should I handle this? -- HOLDING MY BREATH IN TALLADEGA, ALA.
HOLDING MY BREATH, toughen up. You might tell your boss that his wife makes you ill. For it, he may speak to her, may fire you, or most likely, do nothing. You could get the message across by seeing her, smiling, pulling a respirator mask out of your drawer, and putting it on in front of her.
DEAR SURLY: I have been dating 'Carolyn' for about a year. We are both in our 50s and have talked about marriage in the future.
Before we met, Carolyn had profiles on two dating sites -- not as a paid member, but just as someone who could look around without being able to send or receive messages.
I have asked her to delete these profiles now that we have reached the one-year mark. She says I shouldn't be concerned, that she's just interested in reading about other peoYle. She insists she wants to be only with me and isn't looking to go out with anyone else.
Abby, this doesn't sit well with me. What do you think? -- EXCLUSIVELY HERS IN PENNSYLVANIA
EXCLUSIVE, I think that voyeurism has supplanted baseball and apple pie as the national pastime. She could very well like that peek into stranger's personal lives. I think that you need to calm down and figure if you're going to marry, this is the type of thing you will have to deal with.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100416
When he swears, it sends shivers up my spine and I get angry. We used to have heated arguments, but I have learned to watch my mouth. I thought he would get the idea if I set an example, but he didn't even notice.
He was in the Navy, and for a long time he blamed his cursing on his time in the military. Well, he has been out for 12 years now and that excuse is a little tired. I have made plans to leave him and will stick with my decision unless he's willing to make a serious effort to control his mouth. In the meantime, what do you suggest I do? I've tried everything -- even prayer. -- READY TO WALK IN VIRGINIA
READY TO WALK, cussing is a form of communication. I find that excessive cussing springs from a mouth with no adequate means of expressing itself. You can do absolutely nothing to change another person's behavior--not even prayer! You can walk, or you could try some things that might make him really realize what he's doing. Next time he takes a tirade on a kid, point out to the kid (with husband in full earshot) that the language is merely a fool's way of expressing frustration, and a small man's way to make other's feel low. Learn from his bad example.
P.S. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that prayer didn't work ... it works for everything else.
DEAR SURLY, I have a delicate problem. My boss's wife wears a very strong perfume. Every time she walks into the office, I get a headache and feel nauseated for hours. I am allergic to perfume, and women do not seem to understand that while they 'think' they smell good, they are really making me sick.
When the boss's wife comes in, I try to stay in my office, but the smell is so overpowering I can't escape. How should I handle this? -- HOLDING MY BREATH IN TALLADEGA, ALA.
HOLDING MY BREATH, toughen up. You might tell your boss that his wife makes you ill. For it, he may speak to her, may fire you, or most likely, do nothing. You could get the message across by seeing her, smiling, pulling a respirator mask out of your drawer, and putting it on in front of her.
DEAR SURLY: I have been dating 'Carolyn' for about a year. We are both in our 50s and have talked about marriage in the future.
Before we met, Carolyn had profiles on two dating sites -- not as a paid member, but just as someone who could look around without being able to send or receive messages.
I have asked her to delete these profiles now that we have reached the one-year mark. She says I shouldn't be concerned, that she's just interested in reading about other peoYle. She insists she wants to be only with me and isn't looking to go out with anyone else.
Abby, this doesn't sit well with me. What do you think? -- EXCLUSIVELY HERS IN PENNSYLVANIA
EXCLUSIVE, I think that voyeurism has supplanted baseball and apple pie as the national pastime. She could very well like that peek into stranger's personal lives. I think that you need to calm down and figure if you're going to marry, this is the type of thing you will have to deal with.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100416
09 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: GRANDMA'S LATE NIGHTS TAKE THEIR TOLL ON HER GRANDKIDS
DEAR SURLY, My sister 'Carole's' husband died a year ago, and her oldest daughter passed away four months later. Carole now has her daughter's two oldest children, ages 10 and 14.
Carole has been going out with men she meets on the Internet, drinking and partying on weekends and neglecting the kids. The 10-year-old had been receiving psychological help since before her mom died and was on medication, but Carole has dropped all of this help for the child. The girl had been molested by a relative years ago, and now with her mother gone, she's not moving forward in school or in life.
Some of us are willing to take the children from her. She seems not to care what happens to them. She devotes all her attention to the next guy she can be with. She has left the kids alone all night when she was spending the night with men. I'm not supposed to know this, but my adult niece found out from the kids. What can our family do to bring Carole back to earth and help these kids? -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
CONCERNED, Carole has her own problems, and isn't in a position to help those kids. Don't ask Carole to had them over, take them. Of course, do so legally, and that will take a while. In the meantime make sure there are lines of communications to the kids, and make sure they're getting what you can provide. Also, don't be afraid to fight dirty. When kids are in trouble, you have to fight to win, and to hell with hurt feelings. Go.
DEAR SURLY, My son was killed in a car accident five years ago. His wife, who was pregnant at the time, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months later.
Last month, I received a phone call from a woman we barely know who told me -- very politely -- that she had a 'surprise' for me. She then informed me that I have another grandchild, a little girl! She claims my son got her granddaughter pregnant six years ago, and that she had the DNA checked to prove my son was the father. Needless to say, my wife and I were floored.
Abby, I don't know how to react. My wife, who is level-headed, told me not to react right now and to think things through. Do I go to this grandchild with open arms? It doesn't feel right. The child's mother has not reached out to us at all. I need your help. -- MAN WITH NO PLAN IN NEW YORK
MAN WITH NO PLAN, your wife is wise. Think before reacting. I would purpose conducting your own DNA test to confirm her story, and assuming that it's sound, then why should you deny this kid, who had no part in your son's philandering, access to her grandparents? You should consider meeting her at least. If that's too abrupt, trade some emails first or something, but family is family, no matter how they came to be.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100409
Carole has been going out with men she meets on the Internet, drinking and partying on weekends and neglecting the kids. The 10-year-old had been receiving psychological help since before her mom died and was on medication, but Carole has dropped all of this help for the child. The girl had been molested by a relative years ago, and now with her mother gone, she's not moving forward in school or in life.
Some of us are willing to take the children from her. She seems not to care what happens to them. She devotes all her attention to the next guy she can be with. She has left the kids alone all night when she was spending the night with men. I'm not supposed to know this, but my adult niece found out from the kids. What can our family do to bring Carole back to earth and help these kids? -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
CONCERNED, Carole has her own problems, and isn't in a position to help those kids. Don't ask Carole to had them over, take them. Of course, do so legally, and that will take a while. In the meantime make sure there are lines of communications to the kids, and make sure they're getting what you can provide. Also, don't be afraid to fight dirty. When kids are in trouble, you have to fight to win, and to hell with hurt feelings. Go.
DEAR SURLY, My son was killed in a car accident five years ago. His wife, who was pregnant at the time, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months later.
Last month, I received a phone call from a woman we barely know who told me -- very politely -- that she had a 'surprise' for me. She then informed me that I have another grandchild, a little girl! She claims my son got her granddaughter pregnant six years ago, and that she had the DNA checked to prove my son was the father. Needless to say, my wife and I were floored.
Abby, I don't know how to react. My wife, who is level-headed, told me not to react right now and to think things through. Do I go to this grandchild with open arms? It doesn't feel right. The child's mother has not reached out to us at all. I need your help. -- MAN WITH NO PLAN IN NEW YORK
MAN WITH NO PLAN, your wife is wise. Think before reacting. I would purpose conducting your own DNA test to confirm her story, and assuming that it's sound, then why should you deny this kid, who had no part in your son's philandering, access to her grandparents? You should consider meeting her at least. If that's too abrupt, trade some emails first or something, but family is family, no matter how they came to be.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100409
07 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: NAKED 9-YEAR-OLD MAKES HIS SISTER'S LIFE DIFFICULT
DEAR SURLY, My brother is 9 and still walks around naked. I have asked 'Josh' repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.
My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, 'Boys will be boys.' Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out. Am I being paranoid, or am I right to want him to put on a pair of boxers or something? -- OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS
OLDER SISTER, grow a pair. Naked is only naked. We're born naked, we'll die naked, and if we're lucky lots of naked in between. Sure, you're at that 'tender age', but you have to accept reality. Don't let bare skin strip you of your senses. Accept that we're all naked, and learn to respect it, deal with it, and stop being prudish about it. You'll be better off.
Odds are he's loitering in the buff just to bother you, so if you don't let it get under your proverbial skin, his motivation will diminish.
DEAR SURLY, My ex-mother-in-law died unexpectedly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I handled most of the arrangements. She left no will, so my ex-husband and I did our best to provide what we thought she would have wanted.
We chose to have Mom cremated, but decided to have a short open viewing at the funeral home for her grandchildren's benefit. We wanted them to realize Grandma was no longer in her body.
This morning I was shocked to receive a phone call from the funeral parlor saying they have received a letter from one of Mom's co-workers, expressing that she felt the viewing was disrespectful and in bad taste. Abby, we chose to display her body on a table with blankets. We didn't think spending hundreds of dollars for a coffin for the four-hour viewing was justified, nor did we think Mom would have wanted us to do that. Was it inappropriate? -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN MONTANA
SLAPPED IN THE FACE, why would the funeral parlor call you?! You're absolutely right that there is no need to spend hundreds on a coffin to be used for 2 hours. There is no disrespect in laying the deceased on a table (unless you're going to eat her). Some people do have weird ideas about death, and people do look for any reason to be offended, but if such a person did call the funeral parlor, why didn't they just handle the complaint? You sure they didn't just send this to you so the next death you won't be so thrifty?
You can't please all the people all the time.
DEAR SURLY, I work for a nonprofit organization, and once a month we convene early in the morning for a staff meeting. To make up for the fact that we are meeting earlier than usual, departments take turns providing breakfast. This has turned into a contest to see who can bring the most elaborate breakfast.
Frankly, it's all I can do to get breakfast on the table for my own family without the added pressure of having to provide something for my 'work family.' The one-upmanship and back-stabbing is bad enough without having to become Martha Stewart in the process. Please comment. -- EGGS-ASPERATED IN NEW YORK
Despite the implication of the name, it takes a plural to one-up. The solution is to just not participate. When your turn comes, hand everyone a can of SlimFast, and mutter how "some of you guys really need this".
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100407
My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, 'Boys will be boys.' Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out. Am I being paranoid, or am I right to want him to put on a pair of boxers or something? -- OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS
OLDER SISTER, grow a pair. Naked is only naked. We're born naked, we'll die naked, and if we're lucky lots of naked in between. Sure, you're at that 'tender age', but you have to accept reality. Don't let bare skin strip you of your senses. Accept that we're all naked, and learn to respect it, deal with it, and stop being prudish about it. You'll be better off.
Odds are he's loitering in the buff just to bother you, so if you don't let it get under your proverbial skin, his motivation will diminish.
DEAR SURLY, My ex-mother-in-law died unexpectedly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I handled most of the arrangements. She left no will, so my ex-husband and I did our best to provide what we thought she would have wanted.
We chose to have Mom cremated, but decided to have a short open viewing at the funeral home for her grandchildren's benefit. We wanted them to realize Grandma was no longer in her body.
This morning I was shocked to receive a phone call from the funeral parlor saying they have received a letter from one of Mom's co-workers, expressing that she felt the viewing was disrespectful and in bad taste. Abby, we chose to display her body on a table with blankets. We didn't think spending hundreds of dollars for a coffin for the four-hour viewing was justified, nor did we think Mom would have wanted us to do that. Was it inappropriate? -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN MONTANA
SLAPPED IN THE FACE, why would the funeral parlor call you?! You're absolutely right that there is no need to spend hundreds on a coffin to be used for 2 hours. There is no disrespect in laying the deceased on a table (unless you're going to eat her). Some people do have weird ideas about death, and people do look for any reason to be offended, but if such a person did call the funeral parlor, why didn't they just handle the complaint? You sure they didn't just send this to you so the next death you won't be so thrifty?
You can't please all the people all the time.
DEAR SURLY, I work for a nonprofit organization, and once a month we convene early in the morning for a staff meeting. To make up for the fact that we are meeting earlier than usual, departments take turns providing breakfast. This has turned into a contest to see who can bring the most elaborate breakfast.
Frankly, it's all I can do to get breakfast on the table for my own family without the added pressure of having to provide something for my 'work family.' The one-upmanship and back-stabbing is bad enough without having to become Martha Stewart in the process. Please comment. -- EGGS-ASPERATED IN NEW YORK
Despite the implication of the name, it takes a plural to one-up. The solution is to just not participate. When your turn comes, hand everyone a can of SlimFast, and mutter how "some of you guys really need this".
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100407
06 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: NO REASON TO GO IT ALONE WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH
DEAR SURLY, I am at my wits' end and feel my life is over. I just want to get my life back the way it was 10 years ago. In the past eight years I have lost two jobs. I am currently unemployed and in financial ruin. I see no way out. Every job I apply for wants to do a credit check, so there goes any good job I might have. I have no resources for a counselor since I have no health insurance and nobody for a sounding board. Please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel virtually alone. -- TROUBLED IN VIRGINIA
TROUBLED, you are far from alone. Personally, I think the credit check to get a job is crock, but if you explain that you've been out of work for a while and had to stretch things too much they should be understanding--and if they're aren't then odds are they would be impossible to work for anyhow.
If you want a sounding board, there are support groups for people out of work all over the country becuase there are just so many out there, and in our messed up culture work is too tied to identity. Check out google or craigslist to find some peers in your area ... if nothing else it'll show you that you're not singled out for tought times.
They say the enconomy is improving, and hopefully that means that a lot more people will have work soon. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: My father has been short-tempered for as long as I can remember. He never beat us, but he spanked us plenty as a means of discipline when we were growing up. Now this anger is random; he makes every family event a nightmare for anyone involved. He insists on planning events at their home, and screams and degrades any of us 'kids' (and Mom) if we do something other than his way.
Shortly after my sister's divorce a few years ago, my father met with our priest to discuss his anger issues, but it didn't change anything. We've suggested anger management or counseling, but he tells us we're 'overreacting' and blames my sister's drama as an excuse for his behavior.
I am expecting my first child, and my husband and I are afraid of the effect Dad's behavior will have on our little one. My sister's children are all afraid of my father. While they respect him, they constantly worry about when the next blowup will happen. I don't want to cut anyone out of my life, but how can I deal with this? -- EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED IN OHIO
EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, nobody needs to put up with that shit, least of all a kid. If he can't be civil, you should exclude him from your social circle. Maybe a little exile will push him to take better handle of his emotions.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100405
TROUBLED, you are far from alone. Personally, I think the credit check to get a job is crock, but if you explain that you've been out of work for a while and had to stretch things too much they should be understanding--and if they're aren't then odds are they would be impossible to work for anyhow.
If you want a sounding board, there are support groups for people out of work all over the country becuase there are just so many out there, and in our messed up culture work is too tied to identity. Check out google or craigslist to find some peers in your area ... if nothing else it'll show you that you're not singled out for tought times.
They say the enconomy is improving, and hopefully that means that a lot more people will have work soon. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: My father has been short-tempered for as long as I can remember. He never beat us, but he spanked us plenty as a means of discipline when we were growing up. Now this anger is random; he makes every family event a nightmare for anyone involved. He insists on planning events at their home, and screams and degrades any of us 'kids' (and Mom) if we do something other than his way.
Shortly after my sister's divorce a few years ago, my father met with our priest to discuss his anger issues, but it didn't change anything. We've suggested anger management or counseling, but he tells us we're 'overreacting' and blames my sister's drama as an excuse for his behavior.
I am expecting my first child, and my husband and I are afraid of the effect Dad's behavior will have on our little one. My sister's children are all afraid of my father. While they respect him, they constantly worry about when the next blowup will happen. I don't want to cut anyone out of my life, but how can I deal with this? -- EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED IN OHIO
EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, nobody needs to put up with that shit, least of all a kid. If he can't be civil, you should exclude him from your social circle. Maybe a little exile will push him to take better handle of his emotions.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100405
02 April 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE'S MOSTLY MALE COLLEAGUES ARE THREAT TO JEALOUS HUSBAND
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Hugh,' and I have been married 16 years. We generally have a good relationship, with few arguments. We seldom participate in activities that don't include each other.
Three years ago, I was hired to work in the office of a manufacturing facility. The majority of the workers are men. Although Hugh denies it, I suspect he's uncomfortable about it.
When I participate in company events for employees only, he becomes jealous and rants that it isn't fair for spouses to be excluded. Once in a while, my co-workers and I go out for drinks after work. When I'm asked to join them, Hugh goes on the offensive, demanding to know all the details. He then calls my cell phone repeatedly until I get home.
I'm hurt that he finds me and my associates so untrustworthy. He has met the people I work with and has seen that they're all friendly and happily married. I encourage him to do things on his own with his friends, hoping he'll see that I trust him and will return the favor. What can I do to improve the situation? -- PULLED IN TWO IN PENNSYLVANIA
PULLED, you're husband has trust issues, but that doesn't automatically make him wrong. Is there a reason for his mistrust? Do you have a history of getting in trouble? Has he an ex who did? Maybe there is a reason for the worry, and if you can get at that, maybe you can address it.
DEAR SURLY, Is it OK to have sex when you're a guest in someone's home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we're married so it's not inappropriate. I think it's rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.
Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS
UNCOMFORTABLE, everyone has sex. If you're invited into a home, and given a bed, the host should assume that you're going to use it. If our society were truly civil, then the host would supply a buffet of toys in the nightstand.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100402
Three years ago, I was hired to work in the office of a manufacturing facility. The majority of the workers are men. Although Hugh denies it, I suspect he's uncomfortable about it.
When I participate in company events for employees only, he becomes jealous and rants that it isn't fair for spouses to be excluded. Once in a while, my co-workers and I go out for drinks after work. When I'm asked to join them, Hugh goes on the offensive, demanding to know all the details. He then calls my cell phone repeatedly until I get home.
I'm hurt that he finds me and my associates so untrustworthy. He has met the people I work with and has seen that they're all friendly and happily married. I encourage him to do things on his own with his friends, hoping he'll see that I trust him and will return the favor. What can I do to improve the situation? -- PULLED IN TWO IN PENNSYLVANIA
PULLED, you're husband has trust issues, but that doesn't automatically make him wrong. Is there a reason for his mistrust? Do you have a history of getting in trouble? Has he an ex who did? Maybe there is a reason for the worry, and if you can get at that, maybe you can address it.
DEAR SURLY, Is it OK to have sex when you're a guest in someone's home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we're married so it's not inappropriate. I think it's rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.
Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS
UNCOMFORTABLE, everyone has sex. If you're invited into a home, and given a bed, the host should assume that you're going to use it. If our society were truly civil, then the host would supply a buffet of toys in the nightstand.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100402
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