Commandeered Dear Abby: TEENAGER FEELS UNSETTLED BY BOYFRIEND'S ROVING EYE

DEAR SURLY, I'm 17 and have been dating 'Raymond' for two years. The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is. During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face. That really hurt, and I can't get over it.

I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys. Can you please give me some advice? I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head. Are his eyes for me only? -- TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF.

TEEN, you're both always going to be 'attracted' to other people. It's just normal biology. It's really a matter of what you do about it. In this case, it seems you are repressing those attractions in favor of a stable relationship--and that's fine, that's what monogamy is all about.

Nevertheless, it seems your longtime boyfriend may be a smidge controlling. He's comparing you to other potential mates and 'throwing them in your face'. (By the way, if he's literally doing that, he might be jockeying for a threesome.) At the same time, you're not supposed to acknowledge other potential mates--this seems more than a little unfair, and you should address it.

My advise in addressing this imbalance is to dump him. You're just a kid! You need to get out there and try on some other shoes before you run the marathon!

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Russ,' and I have been married 13 years. During that time he has lost more than 15 jobs for various reasons -- tardiness, not performing up to par, etc. I finally was able to convince him to get tested when I noticed he was having difficulty paying attention. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and they said he has an IQ of about 80.

I am working on my doctorate. I hold a job with other wives whose husbands have 'great jobs,' and I sometimes don't know what to say about Russ. He's a good person, very loving and tries his best, but honestly, I do get frustrated and have a little bit of 'husband envy.'

Russ is 50 and we have no children. How do I come to grips with the fact that he may never be a provider? -- CHALLENGED IN NEW YORK

CHALLENGED, most everybody has husband envy from time to time. You're just letting yours get the best of you. When you married, you had to know that Russ wasn't the meatiest taco in the fiesta, but you married him anyway. Maybe you thought is inability to focus was spontaneity, and you liked it. Now you call it something else, and it's not so good.

He won't be a provider. You seem to be able to provide for yourself though, so you don't need him to be. Do you just want him to work so you can be lazy? Not going to happen. Just focus on what you do have, and ether be happy with it, or dump it at the curb and be lonely. Your call.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100612

Commandeered Dear Abby: SOLDIER'S IMAGINATION GETS A WORKOUT WHILE IN THE GYM

DEAR SURLY, I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq. My unit's mission has ended, but we must remain here for the next two months with no real mission to occupy our time. Because of this, I -- along with other soldiers -- spend free time in the gym.

Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.

Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ

CRUEL AND ... well, very USUAL, even little kids know it's not right to stare, so it's not right for you. There is a problem here, and it's you. Trust me, as a fellow gym rat I know your pain. The difference between us, however is, that if I don't want to stare, I don't. Sure I notice the girls, and I notice boys, equipment, plants etc. It's a matter of will.

Personally, I think girls wear those things for one of 3 reasons: 1) they're over heated, 2) they want the attention, or 3) they own nothing else. If it's #1 you have to cut them a break; my grandmother taught me that girls don't sweat--they perspire. If it's #3 then they one time bought those clothes for reason #2. That's still no excuse to stare though.

In fact, if she wants the attention, you don't want to give it to her. If you even play that game, she wins.

DEAR SURLY, My father died six months ago after many years of declining health. He was 87 and had lived a long and rich life. My oldest brother insists we have an annual celebration on my father's birthday at Dad's favorite Chinese restaurant. This isn't how I want to honor my father. He was a simple man who liked working 'behind the scenes.'

Everyone in our large family showed up at the restaurant, and my mother and brother loved all the attention. I do not want to memorialize my father this way, but not participating will create a rift. Should I stay true to myself and honor Dad in my own quiet way, or fake it and go to this annual shindig that is really about my brother? -- MANIPULATED IN MASSACHUSETTS

MANIPULATED, quit pouting. If you think the gathering to too sibling-centric, try to shift the focus back where it belongs. There's nothing wrong with a memorial get together, but trust me, when there are living people attending they will discuss life. While you're alive you'll just have to deal with it.

You can sluff the dinner, but I can't say how your family will react. Sometimes people get touchy when they think you're dissing a dead guy. I suggest going along, and don't let family get under your skin.

DEAR SURLY, After a year together my boyfriend has broken up with me. He's going through a divorce and says that right now is not a good time for us. I'm confused because he has told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.

He wants to keep in touch and says that maybe, down the road when things are different, we can get back together.

My friends and family think he's using me as a standby so he can live the single life but still have someone waiting on the side. I'm left wondering, does he want to get past his issues or is he just playing games? -- NOT A GAME-PLAYER, PLEASANTON, CALIF.

GAME-PLAYER, you're boyfriend dumped you so he can divorce another woman. You are a game player, and if you can't see that you're already entangled in a mess there's no help for you. Here's the pith though: if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him either. Pack it in, stupid.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100609

Commandeered Dear Abby: WOMAN FEARS BEING WATCHED BY GHOSTS OF HER LOVED ONES

DEAR SURLY, I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people's spirits are near us after they die.

Please don't laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don't want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? -- SPOOKED IN SPOKANE

SPOKANE, you're crazy. Stories of ghosts and spirits are filed under "unexplained" because when all is said and done, they are antidotal or weird things that happen without explanation. We can split atoms and put school-bus sized satellites in space, but we can't find evidence of spirits. You may as well stay up worrying about other things that lack evidence; things like UFOs, the Lock Ness Monster, or honest politicians.

If you can't do it on your own, get help, but you need to get acquainted with reality.

DEAR SURLY, I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn't fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it's the wrong size and ask the person to return it?

I gave my sister an outfit that didn't fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. -- LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, if you'd get the perfect gift the first time, you wouldn't have to worry about it. As is, I say "who cares?!" A gift is supposed to show that you care, and if you do, you shouldn't mind taking it back, but since you got all riled up enough to write a letter, I assume you don't care enough to put it a little effort. It's okay to not care, but in that case you should really just skip the gift altogether.

DEAR SURLY, A friend of more than 40 years, 'Myra,' delivered a letter to my physician outlining her observations of what she claims were 'changes' in me. I was called into my doctor's office to respond.

Myra has also told me I should see a psychiatrist. I am disappointed that a friend would say these things about me, and I don't think she should have contacted my doctor without telling me. I have asked others if they have noticed any dramatic changes in me and no one else has.

Myra may have my best interests at heart, but I am upset about this, to say the least. Am I wrong to feel that she has overstepped her boundaries? -- PERFECTLY FINE IN OHIO

PERFECTLY FINE, there is no difference between what you say and what a person with a brain tumor would say. When the brain goes on the fritz, you can't always tell because your means of measuring your well being are off too. Maybe she should have talked to you first, or maybe she did and you either brushed it off or don't remember. I find that if you have a friend good enough to watch out for you, you shouldn't get upset when they worry a little too much.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100604

Commandeered Dear Abby: GOOD MARRIAGE UNDERMINED BY COUPLE'S BAD SEX LIFE

DEAR SURLY, My wife, 'Alana,' and I have been married for 14 years. In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible. In my opinion, it has never been good. As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her. Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don't understand her lack of desire. When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.

I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair. What do you think about this? -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI

TROUBLED, you need to understand that sex isn't about penises and vaginias, it's about brains and mouthes. If you calm up about sex, you're sexually constipated. It sounds like you're in a hard spot, and it won't be easy to pull out of it. If you want to try there are a lot of things you can try; don't be limited by my imagination.

Go to the bookstore, and purchase some Byron and some tantric sex manuals. Put the manual on the bedstand and read to her from Byron. Then go about your normal stuff. See, such thoughts need to ripen. Drop innuendos and hints. Invest in rose petals. Eventually, if you're at all competent, she might show a spark of interest.

DEAR SURLY, I am going to be a sophomore in college next year. I played basketball in high school and was offered a full scholarship to play at the college I attend now. I played ball during my freshman year, and I do not want to do it again next year. My heart is no longer in it.

My biggest fear is letting my parents down. I know having my education paid for has helped them out, but don't I have a right to do what makes me happy? Please help me come up with a way to convince them that I'm making the right decision. -- DROPPING THE BALL IN IOWA

BALL, the heart goes in and out of things. If you have a scholarship though, that's special, and maybe you should stick to it just for that. Who knows, maybe your heart will return, and if not, you had to play some mundane ball for a scholarship--some sacrifice.

DEAR SURLY, I am writing to thank the schoolteachers, librarians and counselors who were kind to me when I was an at-risk child.

My mother was mentally ill, my father was absent, and the school was my haven. I often wish I could tell some of those adults who helped me along the way that I did make it, that I turned out OK, and that I'm so grateful for the little and big ways they intervened in my life.

To all who serve children: Please know that even very small kindnesses give hope and strength to the child who doesn't receive them elsewhere. -- TURNED OUT OK THANKS TO YOU

OK, make sure you do what you can to pay back Karma ... I think the people you're trying to reach would appriciate it almost as much as anyone you manage to help.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100603

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE CONCEALS LATE HUSBAND'S FEET OF CLAY FOR SAKE OF KIDS

DEAR SURLY, My friends and neighbors thought I had the best husband, and our children thought he was the greatest dad. But on the day he died, I found out he had been having sex with another woman.

I went to visit him in the hospital and overheard the whole thing as he was talking to her. Abby, she was a prostitute. I knew money had been disappearing, but I never imagined anything like this.

Should I go on pretending to my adult children, or tell them the truth? They thought he was the best father in the whole world. Even though this happened more than five years ago, I continue to have nightmares over it. -- STILL HURTING IN BOSTON

HURTING, I'm a believer that the truth will set you free, but in this case the truth serves no greater purpose. If some good would come of airing this dirty laundry, I'd go for it, but it seems too late and all that would happen is that you'd be free of this secret at the cost of everyone else's feelings.

My advice, see a shrink and keep it to yourself. It's best for everyone but you.

DEAR SURLY, I am a 76-year-old father of three sons and grandfather of five. The other night, I was dining out with my brother, one of my sons, his 31-year-old wife, and their two children, ages 5 and 2.

The server was standing next to me and the 5-year-old, poised to take our orders. My daughter-in-law was distracted by the 2-year-old, so I placed my order so the server would not be kept standing there.

My son chastised me for not waiting until his wife placed her order first. Embarrassed, I offered an apology. Was I wrong not to wait for my daughter-in-law to place her order? What would have been the proper thing to do? -- EMBARRASSED IN GARFIELD, N.J.

EMBARRASSED, Emily Post says you should wait upon the lady, but this is the 21st century, and efficiency trumps manners. You were efficient, and the server likely thanks you for it.

DEAR SURLY, The company where I work posted an ad online and at our state unemployment job board for a position that needed to be filled. The ad detailed simple but specific instructions that included asking applicants to write a cover letter to address certain questions. It also said -- in large letters: 'YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR EMPLOYMENT.'

Of the 133 resumes we received, 76 did not contain the information that was requested. These applications were moved to an 'Incomplete' file and not considered for hire. What's sad is that judging by their resumes alone, several of these applicants had the qualifications we were looking for.

With unemployment being what it is, I was surprised that the majority of the applicants did not comply with the simple instructions. Please advise your unemployed readers that a job is out there for them, but they must follow instructions. -- TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, TUMWATER, WASH.

HELPFUL, mundane, pointless directions aren't helpful. If you want to get the right person for the job, you may not want to make applicants jump through bureaucratic hoops. Sure, applicants who can follow mindless instructions is a desirable trait in some environments, but think of how this reflects on you. You're a sod for throwing out good candidates because they don't do as you say. Maybe one day you'll need someone to point out when you're wrong about something ... I mean other than today.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100602

Commandeered Dear Abby: COLLEGE-BOUND COUPLE READY TO GIVE LONG-DISTANCE A TRY

DEAR SURLY, I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon. My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too. We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely. We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a 'long-distance relationship.'

The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon. I don't want to force any unnecessary stress upon him, and I know he feels the same. What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out? Do you have any tips for maintaining it? -- COLLEGE-BOUND

COLLEGE, by advise is to make one date. It's going to be several months in the future, and you will agree to be civil to each other on this date.

You see, you're both going to see some more of the world, and there's really no way to tell what you'll see or how that will alter your perception of the world. Be prepared for change. There's a reason you here so few stories of high-school sweet hearts married for 50 happy years ... because it doesn't happen too often. Even after high school you have some growing up to do.

If you look at other people's experience, you're heading into a stage that is rife with change, and you and this boy mayn't come out on the same page after a splash into this new realm. That's okay. If you meet up in a few months, and you're still dedicated to each other, great! If you've found you're not where you thought you'd be, that's expected, and great too.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100517

Commandeered Dear Abby: BOSS'S HINT OF COVER-UP MEANS IT'S TIME TO LEAVE

DEAR SURLY, I overheard my boss talking about something that sounded like a cover-up for an 'accident' involving some people he doesn't like. I would like to report him to the police, but he knows I heard him and I'm afraid if the police question him, my little girl or I could wind up having an 'accident,' too.

What should I do? Several people are already in the hospital. -- WORRIED SICK

WORRIED, if I read this right, this man is a menace, and he needs to be stopped. What if he hurts someone else because you did nothing? If the police need to be informed, you need to suck it up and do it, then take some measures to protect yourself and your family. You've already got his attention, you need to be prepared.

DEAR SURLY, I am a hospitalist, a physician who cares for hospitalized patients. When I enter a patient's room, I invariably find the television blaring. Usually the patient or family members will make no effort to mute the TV, and I must turn it off myself. Because they are paying me to communicate, I would assume they would want to hear what I have to say.

Occasionally patients have expressed irritation at having their TV turned off (they can turn it back on using the bedside control). It seems to me that good manners require one to turn off the television or radio or hang up the phone when the physician makes rounds. Am I wrong? -- HOSPITALIST IN THE NORTHEAST

HOSPITALIST, they're idiots. They love the TV because they are stupid. Odds are they won't understand what you tell them anyway. The best thing that you could do would be to be on the TV. Set up a camera in the hall, go in and change the channel to show your camera feed, and talk to them from there. They still won't understand you, but they will worship you, and that's all you can hope for from cretins.

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to my wife, 'Leigh,' for seven years. We have two sons, ages 4 and 2. I love Leigh and our sons very much.

Over the years I became increasingly dependent on drinking (beer). I have never been abusive, but Leigh expressed concern about it. I didn't think the problem was anything we couldn't deal with.

A little over a year ago, Leigh's mother died of cancer. It has been an extremely emotional time for her, and she has now decided she can no longer tolerate my behavior. She's not even sure she's in love with me anymore.

Hearing her say it made me realize how big a deal my drinking is, and I am committed to changing. But after a month of trying, Leigh still says she would be better off alone. She is starting counseling soon. I told her I'd go with her.

This is a painful period for us, and I can't imagine my life without her and the kids. Is it too late? -- SCARED SOBER IN AUSTIN

SCARED, it's not too late, but it may be out of your hands. If you comport yourself well while drinking, then what is the wife's issue with it? She has her own reasons and thoughts that you may not be able to understand and much less affect. It's good that you're trying, and she's going to therapy. Sounds like you're taking good steps toward keeping together. Keep it up. I don't know what the next step you'll have to take will be, but you will when you see it.7

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100514

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN'S SHAME OVER INFIDELITY PROMPTS THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

DEAR SURLY, I have been married 19 years to a beautiful, accomplished woman. We have two wonderful children. I fooled around throughout my marriage because I could. I justified it by telling myself the women knew what they were doing, and I never made any false promises about leaving my wife. She suspected a couple of times, but always gave me the benefit of the doubt.

My last affair ended publicly with every gory detail exposed. My family, work, reputation -- everything that mattered to me -- have been destroyed. I can't talk about any of it to a therapist because I am so ashamed. Friends, family and co-workers now shun me. I have hit rock bottom.

If you have a hopeful solution, please share it. Otherwise, please print this as a warning to other men like me that when they hit bottom -- as will surely happen -- there's nowhere to turn. I want to end my life. -- SHATTERED IN LOUISIANA

SHATTERED, suicide might be a good option, because you think it's all about you. You fooled around, things important to you were destroyed, you are ashamed and you hit rock bottom. Are you even capable of thinking about how other people feel? If you were, do they want to see you dead? (Well, some of them probably do, but all of them?)

Listen, you might be a terrible husband, a bad father, and a pathetic human being, but you're not fated to stay that way. You have a chance to be a better person before you die. The question then is, how do you want people to remember you?

DEAR SURLY, My mother and I rarely get along -- mainly because she thinks she's fabulous and I don't. I'm in my 30s, married with a child and have a career. I am tired of riding an emotional roller coaster with Mother.

She is planning her next visit and I don't want her to come. Her visits end up lasting a week or more, and her conversation consists of complaining, making snide comments about my house and how I am raising my child (under the guise of being 'helpful'), and then whining because I don't have the time or desire to entertain or placate her.

Can you tell me how to tell her that visits to my house are no longer welcomed? -- DONE WITH THE DRAMA

DRAMA, that's easy: distance. You can still visit you're mother sometimes, and you kid should see her, but if/when she does come, make some distance. Let her get a hotel, don't spend all day with her. Less time together is less time for her to make jabs. Good fences make for good neighbors the same as a bit of distance makes for manageable families.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100513

Commandeered Dear Abby: SALARY AND BENEFITS ARE PRIME TOPICS FOR INTERVIEW

DEAR SURLY, My co-workers and I would like your opinion on the following question: Is it appropriate to ask about the salary during a job interview? Half of us say, 'Yes. When better to ask what the pay will be?' Others say, 'No, it's in poor taste.' What do you think? -- ALL BETS ARE IN

BETS, taste plays no part in the dog-eat-dog interview world. The interview is a proposal of a relationship, and coming out of the interview both parties should know what they can be expected to bring into and take out of the relationship. Of course you should ask about the wage! Don't be stupid. That's a big part of why you want the job, and to not ask it not just stupid, it's really damned stupid.

DEAR SURLY: My husband of more than 20 years decided that the grass was greener on the other side, and now I find myself on the dating scene again. I had breast reduction surgery, thinking I would be with my husband for the rest of my life. Now I don't know how to bring up the subject if I find a man with whom I want to be intimate.

I know a man should love me for who I am on the inside, but I can't help but feel that the scars I carry on the outside will make him turn and walk away. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having had the surgery, but there is nothing I can do about that now.

When do I tell the guy about my scars? I don't want this to get in the way of sharing my life with someone. -- SCARRED IN ARIZONA

SCARRED, an unmarked breast is a rare thing these days. You should not need to explain your scars. In fact, if they are very noticeable scars, any expatiation should be made by your surgeon. It's the 21st century, and while scarring from such a procedure is inevitable, any decent surgeon should be able keep them unobtrusive.

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Rick,' and I have been married 20 years. He's a veteran who is completely disabled. We live in a very secluded area. The nearest town is 60 miles away, and I can't be gone long because of Rick's needs.

I'm lonely. My family lives in another state. Rick said years ago that we would move to where my family members are. But now he refuses because he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.

Some days I am more down than others. Our home is on the market, but we won't be going far -- just a bit closer to the town where Rick's family is. When I bring up the subject of missing my relatives, Rick gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. I long for my family -- and for many other things as well. Could you share your feelings on this, please? -- NOWHERE IN MONTANA

NOWHERE, dig him a hole and throw him in it. Don't feel bad because he's acting dead already, so if you treat him like a corpse it seems like it would be fair. He's dragging you into dead with him. You can still be resuscitated. In order to live, you have to live. Maybe by embracing life, you can drag him back toward life too, but you can't make him so be prepared.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100507

Commandeered Dear Abby: A RIVAL'S COMPLAINT TRIGGERS FIRING ON WORKER'S FIRST DAY

DEAR SURLY, My wife was hired for an administrative position. On her first day of work, they called her into the human resources director's office and told her she was being 'let go' because of her website. The site has photos of her when she worked as a model for a large department store. They are in no way provocative or overly revealing. Photos of our children are also on the site.

The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!

We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an 'at will' employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY

YANKEE, money makes the world go round, and companies have all of the money ... they can pretty much do what they want. Sure, they're pricks, but the law allows it. Bright side is that if this is the company's attitude, it might be more unpleasant if your wife worked there.

DEAR SURLY, My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an 'I'm sorry' note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE

AMENDS, you're a big man to apologize though you don't feel you started it. Good man. Personally, I would think a face to face would be easier than a note so you can look the injured party in the eye. Don't dwell on who started it, just let them know that you regret your part in the altercation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.

Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think 'Ellen' would love to have one of my silk scarves, and 'Peter' would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or 'Annemarie' would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.

Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH

TRAVELER, if you have them all over, there will still be hard feelings as to who grabs what. Instead of showing them all the stuff you have and letting them ruminate on the things they don't get, just do as you planned, and give each person a hand-chosen gift.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100504

Commandeered Dear Abby: VICTIM OF HERPES INFECTION FEELS CONSUMED BY ANGER

DEAR SURLY, I recently got genital herpes. I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.

The man I caught the virus from, 'Jack,' claims he didn't know he had herpes. I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? -- OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI

OUTRAGED, you're kidding, right? You could have taken some steps to have prevented it, and you didn't. Now you have herpes, so you're going to be ostracized and exiled right? No. You live in a civilized world and we don't do that sort of thing. Life goes on, and so will yours. Geez.

As for what you can do to Jack, unless you can prove that he knew he had herpes and that he was purposefully spreading it, the law won't be too much help. Maybe just quit being a victim and buck up.

DEAR SURLY, I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1.

My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.

My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, 'Do you see that 'Cate' is so big-boned and I am so petite?' It hurts, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? -- 'CATE' IN OKLAHOMA CITY

CATE, I think she's hinting that she's skinny and you ain't. Hints like that are childish and rude, so when she says them treat her like a child. Maybe you are big-boned, but it's entirely up to you to decided if you're happy that way or if you want to fight it. When she pipes up, thank her for her grasp of the obvious, and send her to her room without supper.

DEAR SURLY: Early this year, my mother went to the curb to collect the empty trash bin and put it away for the week. As she wheeled it behind her home, she slipped on the ice and broke her hip. She lives alone and was in the back of her property where nobody could see or hear her.

Fortunately, she'd had the foresight to grab her cell phone before she went outside. Because she was unable to stand up she could have frozen to death. She called 911 and within minutes an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital.

Mom had surgery to repair the hip and is recovering, but it was a close call. This is a reminder to your readers that if they live alone -- or have parents who do -- to make sure to have a cell phone available at all times. -- RELIEVED SON IN ELKHART, IND.

RELIEVED, Mom is smart. She knew that she might need that phone, and she was ready. If everyone could admit he might need help, there would be lot fewer tragedies.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100505

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN ADOPTS BACHELOR HABITS THE MINUTE HE GETS MARRIED

DEAR SURLY, It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like 'garbage goes into the garbage can' or 'aim for the bowl' by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH

NEWLYWED, I find it odd that you don't mention your age or how long you knew him before you exchanged vows. I have a little insight into Utah, however, so I dare hazard some guesses: young, and not long enough.

Are you sure these habits are newly adopted? He could have had a mother that just cleaned up after him and he's never learned that he has to pee in the bowl. No matter what though, 100 lbs isn't well. It's like having another wee person in your relationship, and too many people often means someone has to leave. First, tell him he's a pig and needs to straighten out, second, he might be ill, so if he needs a doctors help, do what you can.

It won't be easy, but maybe leaving doesn't have to be the ultimate solution.

DEAR SURLY, I have been dating 'Irving' for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.

He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

CAUTIOUS, if you're not willing to drop a bad investment, you're going to lose everything. He wants to control your volume, your weight, and your behavior. I'm no head doctor, but I think you might have a control freak there. If you land this guy, you also get to land the end making your own decisions, maybe having your own friends. Maybe that's a relief to you.

DEAR SURLY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.

Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

MICHELLE, you want your in-laws to relent smoking indoors for a few days a year for the health of your young one? That sounds pretty reasonable. If they are reasonable they should conclude the same, but if they are the not too uncommon unreasonable flavor of in-law, be ready for a knock-down-drag-out. I hope you win.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100503

Commandeered Dear Abby: SISTER FEARS INHERITANCE MAY DOOM DRUG-ADDICTED BROTHER

DEAR SURLY, My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.

Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND

CONFLICTED, the word you are looking for is trust. Not trust in your brother because he's pathological, no I mean as in the financial instrument. Such things can be managed in very strict ways, and make it hard to engage in shady dealings.

DEAR SURLY, I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, 'Sally.' I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.

Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, 'John,' found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.

Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.

THROWN UNDER, monogamy is unnatural. It's something that we do in order to profess our devotion to our chosen mates. Most mates don't adequately appreciate this when they have it. When someone decides to forgo their devotion, then that relationship should, rightfully be ended.

You got stuck in a tough spot, and you screwed it up.

You should have told your friend that an affair isn't cool. Her husband should know that she was unable to fulfill that monogamy she promised. And when the husband called, you should have been able to say "it's not my place to tell you, but I told her to tell you!"

One way or the other, you were entangled with messed up people, and miss them you may, but you can't make them get past their weird response to a convoluted situation.

DEAR SURLY, Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.

Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.

Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS

PROUD, you're too cute. Now teach them to wash dishes or tidy their rooms while the read the TV and I'll throw you a goddamned party.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100429

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS

DEAR SURLY, Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.

I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or 'too sensitive.' He also tells me what to wear.

Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA

BEATEN DOWN, So to sum up: he treats you like crap and you let him. Okay, I'll not take odds that he projects a feeling that it's your fault because you're inadequate somehow, and if you were just better everything will be fine. You can't change his behavior, and nothing you have done seems to help, so do something else. Get out, get help, get drastic. There are whole organizations and a couple of cable TV channels for mistreated women--they're trying to tell you that you don't need to put up with it.

DEAR SURLY, How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.

The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.

He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE

RELATIVE, best thing to do with a thief in your midst is to get him out of your midst. If you disinvite him, and he demands an explanation, then you had better have some compelling reasons for your accusations, but if you feel like you have a good case, it might be a confrontation worth having.

DEAR SURLY, My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.

Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, 'Ask your mom ...' things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE

NOT MOMMY, if you look like a duck and quack like a duck don't bother correcting people when they assume you're a duck.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100428

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS

Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN

DEAR SURLY, Nine years ago, my sister and I gave birth on the same day. Her daughter lived; my son died the next day.

At my niece's birthday parties my family insists on bringing gifts for my deceased son. My niece opens his gifts and my mother and sister then take them to the cemetery. They also order a special birthday cake for him along with the one for my niece.

I have tried telling them several times that this is confusing to my 6-year-old son, and it depresses my husband and me. My husband refuses to attend any more of my niece's birthday parties until the gifts/cake for our deceased son stop, and I'm about ready to join him.

Are we being 'too uptight,' as my family says, and is this behavior on the part of my family normal? Are we right to ask them to stop? And how do we convey this to them without hurting their feelings again? -- MOURNING MOTHER IN BIG SPRING, TEXAS

MOURNING MOTHER, looking at it from your sister's point of view: her daughter's birthday will always be a reminder of your loss, so she wants to mitigate that somehow. It's pretty normal in some cultures to have gifts and drinks for the deceased, so she mayn't think her idea is weird at all. The thing to do is to just tell her the truth. Something like, "I know you're trying to help, but I think all the fuss just makes it worse for me. Could you please stop the gift tradition?"

She may also use this to deal with some feelings of her own, and she may resist giving it up, but I think that unlikely. If she does, just bow out of the party in the future. Stop by a couple of days early to give your niece a hug, a gift, and "sorry I won't make it to the party."

DEAR SURLY, I can't seem to grow up. I think I may have something similar to a Peter Pan complex. I often fantasize about my childhood. I miss it more than I should. I am a 25-year-old female.

I also do things that people usually do at younger ages. I put stickers all over everything. I like coloring books, and feel comfortable in kids' clothing. I watch youth-oriented TV shows people my age are not interested in.

I'm in college, and try hard to put these things behind me, but it's a constant battle. They stay in the forefront of my mind. With each passing year it gets harder to hide.

My parents think I act this way for attention, but it's embarrassing and I often don't realize that I'm doing something childish. In contrast, my big brother (age 29) is out of college, married and leading a positive, normal life. Do I need help? -- CHILDISH ADULT

CHILDISH, grown up is a state of mind. Some adults are children, and some children have to be adults. Since you seem to have the leisure, enjoy the kid time you have. For most everyone these times ebb, and we only get to visit them a couple of times a year at Disneyland or something.

DEAR SURLY, While in a department store recently, I lost my credit cards, driver's license, important papers and a sizable sum of money. Two employees called me later to say they had found my belongings.

When I returned to the store to pick up my things, I presented the young women with a basket of fruits and chocolate along with my thanks. Some friends told me I was wrong not to reward them with money. Did I do the right thing? -- IN LUCK IN NEW YORK

LUCKY, I think the cash reward was originally a way to keep the dishonest placated. When someone finds a wad of cash, there's always a temptation to keep it. Most honest folk will return your cash to you merely because its the right thing to do. Sometimes there are people who really want/need that money, and it's hard for them to give it up. In those cases a little cash consolation prize will help to reinforce the decision they made.

If the people who returned your wallet weren't sorely tempted, they didn't need or want cash from you. If I returned a wallet to you, no matter the amount therein, I would refuse a reward. I don't know about the folks who returned your stuff, but it seems you made a sincere thanks, and to some people that's better than greenbacks.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100426

Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN

Commandeered Dear Abby: COLLEGE NEATNIK SACRIFICES FUN FOR A SQUEAKY CLEAN APARTMENT

DEAR SURLY, I have been overly neat since I was in middle school. I am now in college and feel I have reached the breaking point because I'm such a neat freak. I love having everything neat and tidy, but I now spend less time being a 22-year-old and more time cleaning, scrubbing and organizing.

I can't sleep if I know there is clutter somewhere in the apartment. I have passed up going out with friends if my apartment isn't perfect. Everything has a place and a label. It's getting tiring because I realize I haven't had any good wholesome fun in a long time. I wish I could relax and be OK with clutter like everyone else, instead of wasting my life cleaning. Any advice? -- OVERLY ORGANIZED IN TEXAS

ORGANIZED, we all have quirks. Problems begin at the point when our quirks interfere with the ability to lead a normal life. You should be able to look back and see that point somewhere behind you. Don't misunderstand, tidy is nice, but a life uncluttered is the sign of a deranged mind.

You can get help. Get a high maintenance girlfriend and a demanding job. Take a job in the retail industry. After a full load of people wanting you to clean up after them, I can assure you you'll decide that tidy isn't worth all the investment. Especially when it's so fleeting.

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 20-year-old female who has been dating my boyfriend, 'Will,' for three years. Our long-distance relationship was going along just fine until the topic of his 21st birthday came up recently. Will mentioned in passing that he's planning on going to a strip club with friends to celebrate this momentous birthday.

Will says he just likes to look at women, that all men do and it's completely fine. He didn't seem to care how I felt about it. His mind was already made up. He wants me to be more accepting of who he is, but it turns my stomach to think of him hanging out at a strip club.

Is a young man in a committed relationship going to a strip club to drink and view naked women 'normal'? Should I not take this so personally? Or am I right to see this as a lack of commitment to me? -- OFFENDED IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.

OFFENDED, normal is as normal does, and in our era this is pretty normal. Most of Western Society is built on naked or mostly naked ladies.

You wouldn't be the only girl offended by his escapade, however, so do as so many do: expect better. And if he can't give it to you, then you know what to do.

DEAR SURLY, I am 42 years old and being married for the first time in October. My parents divorced more than 20 years ago and both remarried. My father will walk me down the aisle.

Dad lost my stepmother two years ago, and is still having a hard time with it emotionally. Because of my age, I don't expect anything from my parents except their emotional support.

If it's all right with my parents, do you think it would be appropriate to put on the invitations, 'In lieu of gifts, please make a donation to the American Cancer Society in memory of (my stepmother's name)'? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

LOVING DAUGHTER, "all right"?! Hell, that's kick ass. If you don't need the stuff, you know that there are people who do. Way to lend a hand, and I applaud you for it.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100423

Commandeered Dear Abby: TEENAGER'S PUPPY LOVE DELIVERS A PAINFUL BITE

DEAR SURLY, I'm 13, and my 'first kiss' just broke up with me. My dad says it's just puppy love, which may be true, but I have a feeling that I need to be with him. What hurts even more is he had a new girlfriend the next day.

I have tried moving on, but I don't think I want to. I want to try to get back with him, but I don't know how. Can you help me? -- ACHING HEART IN IOWA

ACHING HEART, the only difference between a kid (you) and an adult is experience. I think we've all experienced that first, awkward romance that we aren't equipped to handle, ergo, most of us understand what you're going through. And that feeling you have that no one understands you ... we understand that too. It's okay. You're 13 and more flexible than you realize. You don't need to be with this guy. Just learn from the experience, and inevitably you will move on. Trust me.

If it makes you feel better, someday he'll feel the same way too. Revenge mayn't be noble, but it's funny.

DEAR SURLY, Would you please print this to educate your readers about something I witness every summer -- parents encouraging little kids to take native wildlife.

I watched a 6-year-old girl show off the two palm-sized baby turtles her dad had 'given' her from the lake, and put them into a plastic container to take home. Abby, they were snapping turtles! Mom won't be pleased when those 'pets' snap a finger.

Then there was the mom who thought it would be fun for her 7-year-old boy to play with a few frogs in their dry, dense, sun-drenched backyard. Within an hour, the amphibians had escaped and, best guess is, they died and became dehydrated, sun-dried critters or dog food.

Not only is it illegal to take wildlife on a whim, but it's also selfish. At a time when we're already damaging our planet for our recreational pastimes, we need to be teaching our kids that living beings are not toys, but rather a valuable part of natural ecosystems. It's so much more fun to observe and learn from a turtle swimming free in the lake. Please urge parents to stop being so thoughtless, or they may end up with a ticket or a missing digit. -- WILDLIFE PRESERVER IN LAFAYETTE, COLO.

WILDLIFE, people are pricks. We have entitlement issues, and there's no way I can write a note to tell everyone to leave everything the fuck alone. Better would be to speak up when you hear it. Nothing like a little confrontation to drill ideas into people.

DEAR SURLY, How do you attract single women while on a budget? -- GARY IN LONGWOOD, FLA.

GARY, you're only hope is great abs.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100420

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN WITH SAILOR'S MOUTH ROCKS THE BOAT AT HOME

DEAR SURLY, I have been married for seven years to a man who curses something awful. We have three children, and he curses at them, too, when he's angry. I'm afraid his verbal abuse is destroying our children's self-esteem, and I have asked him repeatedly to stop it. I even threatened to leave if he doesn't clean up his act.

When he swears, it sends shivers up my spine and I get angry. We used to have heated arguments, but I have learned to watch my mouth. I thought he would get the idea if I set an example, but he didn't even notice.

He was in the Navy, and for a long time he blamed his cursing on his time in the military. Well, he has been out for 12 years now and that excuse is a little tired. I have made plans to leave him and will stick with my decision unless he's willing to make a serious effort to control his mouth. In the meantime, what do you suggest I do? I've tried everything -- even prayer. -- READY TO WALK IN VIRGINIA

READY TO WALK, cussing is a form of communication. I find that excessive cussing springs from a mouth with no adequate means of expressing itself. You can do absolutely nothing to change another person's behavior--not even prayer! You can walk, or you could try some things that might make him really realize what he's doing. Next time he takes a tirade on a kid, point out to the kid (with husband in full earshot) that the language is merely a fool's way of expressing frustration, and a small man's way to make other's feel low. Learn from his bad example.

P.S. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that prayer didn't work ... it works for everything else.

DEAR SURLY, I have a delicate problem. My boss's wife wears a very strong perfume. Every time she walks into the office, I get a headache and feel nauseated for hours. I am allergic to perfume, and women do not seem to understand that while they 'think' they smell good, they are really making me sick.

When the boss's wife comes in, I try to stay in my office, but the smell is so overpowering I can't escape. How should I handle this? -- HOLDING MY BREATH IN TALLADEGA, ALA.

HOLDING MY BREATH, toughen up. You might tell your boss that his wife makes you ill. For it, he may speak to her, may fire you, or most likely, do nothing. You could get the message across by seeing her, smiling, pulling a respirator mask out of your drawer, and putting it on in front of her.

DEAR SURLY: I have been dating 'Carolyn' for about a year. We are both in our 50s and have talked about marriage in the future.

Before we met, Carolyn had profiles on two dating sites -- not as a paid member, but just as someone who could look around without being able to send or receive messages.

I have asked her to delete these profiles now that we have reached the one-year mark. She says I shouldn't be concerned, that she's just interested in reading about other peoYle. She insists she wants to be only with me and isn't looking to go out with anyone else.

Abby, this doesn't sit well with me. What do you think? -- EXCLUSIVELY HERS IN PENNSYLVANIA

EXCLUSIVE, I think that voyeurism has supplanted baseball and apple pie as the national pastime. She could very well like that peek into stranger's personal lives. I think that you need to calm down and figure if you're going to marry, this is the type of thing you will have to deal with.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100416

Commandeered Dear Abby: GRANDMA'S LATE NIGHTS TAKE THEIR TOLL ON HER GRANDKIDS

DEAR SURLY, My sister 'Carole's' husband died a year ago, and her oldest daughter passed away four months later. Carole now has her daughter's two oldest children, ages 10 and 14.

Carole has been going out with men she meets on the Internet, drinking and partying on weekends and neglecting the kids. The 10-year-old had been receiving psychological help since before her mom died and was on medication, but Carole has dropped all of this help for the child. The girl had been molested by a relative years ago, and now with her mother gone, she's not moving forward in school or in life.

Some of us are willing to take the children from her. She seems not to care what happens to them. She devotes all her attention to the next guy she can be with. She has left the kids alone all night when she was spending the night with men. I'm not supposed to know this, but my adult niece found out from the kids. What can our family do to bring Carole back to earth and help these kids? -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

CONCERNED, Carole has her own problems, and isn't in a position to help those kids. Don't ask Carole to had them over, take them. Of course, do so legally, and that will take a while. In the meantime make sure there are lines of communications to the kids, and make sure they're getting what you can provide. Also, don't be afraid to fight dirty. When kids are in trouble, you have to fight to win, and to hell with hurt feelings. Go.

DEAR SURLY, My son was killed in a car accident five years ago. His wife, who was pregnant at the time, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months later.

Last month, I received a phone call from a woman we barely know who told me -- very politely -- that she had a 'surprise' for me. She then informed me that I have another grandchild, a little girl! She claims my son got her granddaughter pregnant six years ago, and that she had the DNA checked to prove my son was the father. Needless to say, my wife and I were floored.

Abby, I don't know how to react. My wife, who is level-headed, told me not to react right now and to think things through. Do I go to this grandchild with open arms? It doesn't feel right. The child's mother has not reached out to us at all. I need your help. -- MAN WITH NO PLAN IN NEW YORK

MAN WITH NO PLAN, your wife is wise. Think before reacting. I would purpose conducting your own DNA test to confirm her story, and assuming that it's sound, then why should you deny this kid, who had no part in your son's philandering, access to her grandparents? You should consider meeting her at least. If that's too abrupt, trade some emails first or something, but family is family, no matter how they came to be.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100409

Commandeered Dear Abby: NAKED 9-YEAR-OLD MAKES HIS SISTER'S LIFE DIFFICULT

DEAR SURLY, My brother is 9 and still walks around naked. I have asked 'Josh' repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.

My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, 'Boys will be boys.' Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out. Am I being paranoid, or am I right to want him to put on a pair of boxers or something? -- OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS

OLDER SISTER, grow a pair. Naked is only naked. We're born naked, we'll die naked, and if we're lucky lots of naked in between. Sure, you're at that 'tender age', but you have to accept reality. Don't let bare skin strip you of your senses. Accept that we're all naked, and learn to respect it, deal with it, and stop being prudish about it. You'll be better off.

Odds are he's loitering in the buff just to bother you, so if you don't let it get under your proverbial skin, his motivation will diminish.

DEAR SURLY, My ex-mother-in-law died unexpectedly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I handled most of the arrangements. She left no will, so my ex-husband and I did our best to provide what we thought she would have wanted.

We chose to have Mom cremated, but decided to have a short open viewing at the funeral home for her grandchildren's benefit. We wanted them to realize Grandma was no longer in her body.

This morning I was shocked to receive a phone call from the funeral parlor saying they have received a letter from one of Mom's co-workers, expressing that she felt the viewing was disrespectful and in bad taste. Abby, we chose to display her body on a table with blankets. We didn't think spending hundreds of dollars for a coffin for the four-hour viewing was justified, nor did we think Mom would have wanted us to do that. Was it inappropriate? -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN MONTANA

SLAPPED IN THE FACE, why would the funeral parlor call you?! You're absolutely right that there is no need to spend hundreds on a coffin to be used for 2 hours. There is no disrespect in laying the deceased on a table (unless you're going to eat her). Some people do have weird ideas about death, and people do look for any reason to be offended, but if such a person did call the funeral parlor, why didn't they just handle the complaint? You sure they didn't just send this to you so the next death you won't be so thrifty?

You can't please all the people all the time.

DEAR SURLY, I work for a nonprofit organization, and once a month we convene early in the morning for a staff meeting. To make up for the fact that we are meeting earlier than usual, departments take turns providing breakfast. This has turned into a contest to see who can bring the most elaborate breakfast.

Frankly, it's all I can do to get breakfast on the table for my own family without the added pressure of having to provide something for my 'work family.' The one-upmanship and back-stabbing is bad enough without having to become Martha Stewart in the process. Please comment. -- EGGS-ASPERATED IN NEW YORK

Despite the implication of the name, it takes a plural to one-up. The solution is to just not participate. When your turn comes, hand everyone a can of SlimFast, and mutter how "some of you guys really need this".

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100407

Commandeered Dear Abby: NO REASON TO GO IT ALONE WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH

DEAR SURLY, I am at my wits' end and feel my life is over. I just want to get my life back the way it was 10 years ago. In the past eight years I have lost two jobs. I am currently unemployed and in financial ruin. I see no way out. Every job I apply for wants to do a credit check, so there goes any good job I might have. I have no resources for a counselor since I have no health insurance and nobody for a sounding board. Please help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel virtually alone. -- TROUBLED IN VIRGINIA

TROUBLED, you are far from alone. Personally, I think the credit check to get a job is crock, but if you explain that you've been out of work for a while and had to stretch things too much they should be understanding--and if they're aren't then odds are they would be impossible to work for anyhow.

If you want a sounding board, there are support groups for people out of work all over the country becuase there are just so many out there, and in our messed up culture work is too tied to identity. Check out google or craigslist to find some peers in your area ... if nothing else it'll show you that you're not singled out for tought times.

They say the enconomy is improving, and hopefully that means that a lot more people will have work soon. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: My father has been short-tempered for as long as I can remember. He never beat us, but he spanked us plenty as a means of discipline when we were growing up. Now this anger is random; he makes every family event a nightmare for anyone involved. He insists on planning events at their home, and screams and degrades any of us 'kids' (and Mom) if we do something other than his way.

Shortly after my sister's divorce a few years ago, my father met with our priest to discuss his anger issues, but it didn't change anything. We've suggested anger management or counseling, but he tells us we're 'overreacting' and blames my sister's drama as an excuse for his behavior.

I am expecting my first child, and my husband and I are afraid of the effect Dad's behavior will have on our little one. My sister's children are all afraid of my father. While they respect him, they constantly worry about when the next blowup will happen. I don't want to cut anyone out of my life, but how can I deal with this? -- EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED IN OHIO

EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, nobody needs to put up with that shit, least of all a kid. If he can't be civil, you should exclude him from your social circle. Maybe a little exile will push him to take better handle of his emotions.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100405

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE'S MOSTLY MALE COLLEAGUES ARE THREAT TO JEALOUS HUSBAND

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Hugh,' and I have been married 16 years. We generally have a good relationship, with few arguments. We seldom participate in activities that don't include each other.

Three years ago, I was hired to work in the office of a manufacturing facility. The majority of the workers are men. Although Hugh denies it, I suspect he's uncomfortable about it.

When I participate in company events for employees only, he becomes jealous and rants that it isn't fair for spouses to be excluded. Once in a while, my co-workers and I go out for drinks after work. When I'm asked to join them, Hugh goes on the offensive, demanding to know all the details. He then calls my cell phone repeatedly until I get home.

I'm hurt that he finds me and my associates so untrustworthy. He has met the people I work with and has seen that they're all friendly and happily married. I encourage him to do things on his own with his friends, hoping he'll see that I trust him and will return the favor. What can I do to improve the situation? -- PULLED IN TWO IN PENNSYLVANIA

PULLED, you're husband has trust issues, but that doesn't automatically make him wrong. Is there a reason for his mistrust? Do you have a history of getting in trouble? Has he an ex who did? Maybe there is a reason for the worry, and if you can get at that, maybe you can address it.

DEAR SURLY, Is it OK to have sex when you're a guest in someone's home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we're married so it's not inappropriate. I think it's rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.

Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS

UNCOMFORTABLE, everyone has sex. If you're invited into a home, and given a bed, the host should assume that you're going to use it. If our society were truly civil, then the host would supply a buffet of toys in the nightstand.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100402

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE THINKS STAY-AT-HOME DAD NEEDS TO GET UP AND GO

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to 'Roy' for 27 years. For the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16, while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to this arrangement.

Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his own business or get work, but he never did. He also never made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home, moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think he really wants to anymore.)

Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen. For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to get busy with a career, go back to school, something -- anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no change. Should I leave him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

MISERABLE, you're pretty myopic, and obviously not the only miserable one. Seems to me that he's so deep in a mire he doesn't know how to get out, and your nagging isn't helping. You've told him he should go back to school or work, but have you tried asking him what he wants to do? A little respect from the family can go a long way toward helping a guy find some motivation. Sometimes that's far from enough, and some guys need to go get professional help to get their mojo back. But by all means leave him if "in sickness and in health" was just a pretty phrase devoid of meaning.

DEAR SURLY, When we were younger, my sister 'Kara' and I were sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.

I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child was a result of a one-night stand.

I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluctant to seek counseling? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

CONFLICTED, you need counseling. 16 year old girls do not submit willingly to the advances of an older, religious leader. They can be forced, coaxed, or even fooled by a predator's experience. You're desire to keep quite is a coping mechanism, but since you wrote the letter, it's obviously not doing all you hope it would. Telling the truth will be a hard transition, but better in the end.

PS Do right by your kid and make the father accept responsibility.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100331

Commandeered Dear Abby: GOOD GIRL FEELS TEMPTED TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT BAD

DEAR SURLY, I'm 16 and have grown up religious my whole life. I get good grades and stay out of trouble. A lot of my friends have done crazy things like drinking and partying, but I haven't. Because of this, I have the reputation of being a 'goody-two-shoes.'

I'm not saying it's a bad thing being a good girl, but I don't want to be a goody-two-shoes. Part of me wants to try some of the stuff my friends have been doing, but I don't want to lose my parents' trust. Please help! -- RESTLESS IN OREGON

RESTLESS, by Jove's Beard go out do some crazy! I'll add a caveat, but I implore you to recognize that you're only young once. Mark Twain said "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

The caveat, of course is be a bit responsible about the crazy. If you want to join in the high school orgies, employ protection so you don't have lifelong reminders of it. If you want do some drinking don't overdo it, and for hell's sake don't drive. Enjoy yourself now, but make sure you're not paying for it forever.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter left our small Midwestern town for the West Coast to marry money. At 37, she finally snagged her millionaire. She thought it was going to give her a blank check.

She does live in a lovely home and drives an expensive foreign car, but that's where it ends. Everything is in his name, and her wedding ring is one we gave her, although he paid to remove the stone and have it polished. I told her then to walk away.

They have two children. Her son is a spoiled brat, completely self-absorbed like his dad. Her daughter has learning disabilities and is still at home.

My daughter would never leave him. She loves the lifestyle too much. If she only knew how most of her extended family think of them. I'm embarrassed by it, really.

I just thought your readers should know that marrying money isn't necessarily the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. -- HER MOM IN WISCONSIN

MOM, she chose to forego love in exchange for a bankroll, but now she wants both. Lame. Your daughter has an advantage over those who marry the poor in that money can buy a fair facsimile of love--get a pool boy or a personal trainer ... wink, wink. Not an option for everyone, but your fortunate daughter can afford it.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100327

Commandeered Dear Abby: MEDIC'S BATTLEFIELD DECISION NOW CONTINUES TO HAUNT HIM

DEAR SURLY, I am a medic in the Middle East. I was out on patrol with some of our guys when we were hit with a mortar attack. More than one guy was wounded.

I ran to the first guy and saw that he was hit. He had a wound I knew he wouldn't be able to survive. He pulled a letter from his pocket, put it in my hands and pushed me away. I tried to apply pressure to his wound to slow the bleeding, but he pushed me away again. It was like he was telling me to go to the next man who needed my attention. Everyone survived except him.

At first, I thought I did the right thing by respecting his wishes to help someone I could save. When I got back and talked to his family, they were angry at me for not trying harder to save his life. When I signed up for this job, I knew I wouldn't be able to save everyone, but I am supposed to try my best no matter who it is I am saving.

Was I wrong by going to another man who I could save? Was it wrong of me to take his letter and leave him after he pushed me away twice? Please tell me what you think. -- DOC IN DISTRESS

DOC, of course they are upset. They lost a family member, and they should feel angry and hurt. You need to not take it personally. You're trained to help who you can help, right? You already know that in your job you have to do everything you can so doubts and second guessing doesn't overwhelm you. In this case you knew you couldn't help him. You helped who you could help. It sucks, and it sucks that you have to get the family's grief about it, but it sounds like you did the only human thing you could, so let them do what they do while they grieve, and don't stop helping who you can.

DEAR SURLY, My father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. While at a family party, my stepmother started talking about how she and Dad had just visited their friends, the Royal Family in England. I assume she thought she was being funny. My poor father was completely confused, but my stepmother continued on with the charade. We all felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle the situation. The grandkids felt bad for Grandpop.

I recently learned that my stepmother pretended her friend was his daughter. Dad is confused enough without having to be tricked in this manner. My stepmother is a very complex, challenging woman, and I need to handle this matter very carefully. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD ABOUT DAD IN NEW JERSEY

SAD ABOUT DAD, You need to learn how to deliver a proper bitchslap, or if you've got something against violence some sort of verbal equivalent. Why don't you grow a pair and tell her to knock it off? I feel sorry for your dad with Alzheimer's, a depraved wife, and wimpy kid who can't even help him out.

DEAR SURLY, My husband doesn't like his sister. When he drinks beer, he says ugly things about her and starts to cry. When I said she's his only sister and to cut it out, he closed his hands into fists.

I twice tried calling her at 1 a.m., after he fell asleep. Well, our phone bill arrived and her phone number is on it. He's the one who gets the mail, so please answer this in the paper. The bill is due in 10 days. -- PEACEMAKER IN FLORIDA

PEACEMAKER, why the hell would you try to call her when your husband dislikes her so much? Do you know why this resentment exists or are you just being a busybody? Get the bill paid, fess up to your stupid meddling, and butt out.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100326

Commandeered Dear Abby: FRIENDS THINK CLUMSY WOMAN'S BRUISES ARE EVIDENCE OF ABUSE

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 27-year-old woman who is a 'klutz,' which explains why I often have bruises on my legs and elbows. The other day, while lunching with friends I hadn't seen in a while, one of them brought up the subject of my bruises. (I had rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and was wearing a skirt.)

I laughed and explained how I got them -- running off an elevator before the door had opened all the way, tripping while climbing some stairs, and crashing into the coffee table and nearly breaking my leg. My friends exchanged knowing looks and told me if I ever needed anything -- ANYthing at all -- they were there for me and offered protection!

It became obvious that they think my fiance caused the bruises. I explained that I am often in a hurry and accident-prone. They didn't believe me. They just nodded and said, "Uh-huh ..."

I feel so humiliated. My fiance has never laid a finger on me. I have never had a healthier, more loving relationship, and it hurt that my friends think I'm a victim of domestic abuse.

A birthday get-together is coming soon and I don't feel comfortable going now. I'm worried they may tell others what they "think" may be going on behind closed doors. How do I set the record straight? -- JUST CLUMSY IN AMARILLO

CLUMSY, good friends watch out for you. Don't be humiliated, just accept that they are willing to help, but you don't need it at this time.

DEAR SURLY, I have a horrible secret. I have cheated on my husband with multiple strangers. I have tried to tell him I have an addiction, but he blows me off. When I first met him, I had been with two people. Since our wedding, I have lost count.

I think about sex constantly and often arrange to meet men anonymously many times during the week. I have tried to stop, but I just can't seem to. Believe me, I have tried.

I have attempted to talk to my husband about this so he will listen -- but I'm afraid to estimate how many times I have cheated because I fear he will leave me. Please help me. -- CAN'T STOP DOWN SOUTH

CAN'T STOP, if you can't tell you're husband, tell a theripist. Perferable a female one since I wouldn't want you getting charged $150 an hour to share this secret to an anonymous man.

You will, eventually, have to tell your husband, and he may leave you. If you're getting help, your odds are better, but still dismal.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100324

Commandeered Dear Abby: HUSBAND'S YOUNG CRUSH LEAVES WIFE FEELING FLAT

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Roger' -- 64 and retired -- has a crush on a 25-year-old woman who lives in our small community and who runs a dress shop I frequent. Roger is usually quiet and reserved, but when he sees 'Patti,' he utters loud cries and runs to her side. He examines every detail of her clothing, makeup, etc., and takes her hand and compliments her on her soft skin, her ring or the color of her nail polish.

From the expression on her face and the looks she exchanges with the other women in the shop, it's clear she considers him a pest.

I have spoken up and said, 'Patti must have a grandfather your age,' or, 'There's no fool like an old fool,' but Roger ignores it. My concern is that he's making a fool of himself in public and, by extension, me. I'm so embarrassed, I can no longer walk into my favorite dress shop. Patti is popular. She has many dates and is not interested in Roger. I hate to be pitied by others. What can I do to stop this? -- OLD FOOL'S WIFE IN ALABAMA

OLD FOOL, your husband's behavior doesn't reflect on you! Your behavior does. Okay, so there's a younger woman who causes your introverted husband to attempt social contact. It's a shame that you have to see it, but unless your husband is wealthy there is really no chance of it becoming an affair. (Wealthy men have a different allure.)

Best thing to do: just don't go with him. He's hurting nothing, and you can't change him, so just choose not to be witness to it.

DEAR SURLY, I was recently married, but we had to postpone our honeymoon for a couple of weeks due to weather and the loss of a sitter for my wife's daughter. The day after our wedding, my bride, 'Brenda,' informed me that we had a dinner date the following Monday with another married couple who are friends of hers. I gladly accepted, thinking it would be fun to go out and celebrate since our plans had fallen through.

The day before the dinner I was told that the husband (in the couple) had to work -- so Brenda and his wife would go out to dinner and, if it was OK with me, I would stay home and baby-sit my new stepdaughter. I felt I had no say in the matter, and to keep things positive in this brand-new marriage, I agreed.

I have no problem with Brenda going out alone with her friend, but I did feel slighted. Shouldn't the dinner have been postponed until a time when we were all available? Or should I have accepted this 'girls' night out' with more grace? -- HONEYMOON-DEPRIVED IN KNOXVILLE

DEPRIVED, when you felt like you had no say in the matter, you should have said. Nothing's wrong with the girls going out, and sometimes plans change without notice, so you have to be able to roll with the punches, but if you say nothing then you have no one but yourself to blame for the way you feel.

DEAR SURLY, My wife and I were out to dinner with two other couples who are also good friends. We all enjoyed a couple of bottles of wine during our meal.

When the check came, we split it three ways. However, one of the other couples insisted that we should tip only on the food portion of the bill. I said we should tip on the entire bill, including the cost of the wine. Who was correct? -- PROPERLY SERVED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

PROPERLY SERVED, tips are for schmucks. In an ideal world, they wouldn't be needed. Since we're far from ideal, you should just tip on the whole cost of the meal and stop trying to parse out things that "don't really count." It's cheap and tactless.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100322

Commandeered Dear Abby: FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS PUTS FAMILY FIRST IN TOUGH TIMES

DEAR SURLY, I'm a career woman, working for a family-owned business. Last year was difficult because there have been a number of layoffs and no raises. When I had my annual review, I received an outstanding evaluation but was again told no raise would be forthcoming because business is slow.

I could understand this because of the current economy if the owners of the company weren't taking expensive vacations and buying new luxury cars.

I have a hard time accepting there's no money for raises when they spend so extravagantly. I understand it's not my business how they spend their money, but it's difficult to swallow when I feel so taken advantage of. I'm not the only one here feeling the way I do, and it's beginning to create a hostile environment. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- BITTER IN THE NORTHEAST

BITTER, welcome to capitalism. You work to make money for them, and not the other way around. It's called greed, and it's what makes the world go round. The funny part is that you're upset because your greed ain't getting scratched. In our economy nobody's giving, and there's not much hope that when the money is easier that you'll be given any of it. Company loyalty is only good for the CEO.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter is being married in the fall and she has asked me to be her matron of honor. She has been through a lot, and I have supported her all the way. She says I am the only one who had faith in her, encouraged her and loved her no matter what.

Are moms supposed to be in their daughters' weddings? She doesn't want her dad in the wedding, so this makes it difficult. I am honored that she wants me to be her matron of honor. If her dad isn't in the wedding, should I be in it? I don't want any hard feelings from the other family members, but my daughter is determined to have me as her matron of honor. -- DONNA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DONNA, it's her wedding, and she can have anyone in it that she wants. If feelings are hurt, support her like you did to get asked to play that part, and let the cards fall where they may.

DEAR SURLY, I am a freelance writer who works from home. I have flexibility when it comes to my work hours, but I decide that on my own terms. I have lost count of the number of times friends and family have asked me to baby-sit, have lunch or go out shopping with them because, according to them, writing isn't 'real work' and working from home means having no fixed hours.

Last week my husband called me from his office and asked me to bring him some documents he had forgotten at home. When I realized it wasn't urgent, I told him no and that he had interrupted my train of thought. He has been sulking for days. Was I wrong?

In this digital age, with more people working from home, it still means adhering to a schedule. Oh, and one more thing -- please remind your readers that writing is very much a REAL job. -- FREELANCE WRITER IN TENNESSEE

FREELANCE, writing is a real job. I commend you for refusing to yield to people's whims. Your work is out of site--they don't see you commuting, sticking to a time clock, or chained to a desk so they assume you're not. It's not your fault they're dumb, so all you can do is educate them.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100319

Part 4: Eugenisists

Doctor Ellien Bailey was dumbfounded. Her mouth worked silently while she tried to make sense of fragments of a broken reality. Her patient, Samantha, had been visiting regularly for almost 20 years. She was obviously the product of a troubled home. The younger woman had been snared in trouble through her juvenile years, and her adult life was peppered with further entanglements that found her on the wrong side of the law, but she was just the sort of patient Ellien most wanted to help, and over the years, she liked to think that she had indeed, helped Samantha.

But she hadn’t yet come far enough. Not by far. After a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, they found that Samantha could be productive and avoid trouble so long as she stayed on her medication. Samantha, however, had problems sticking to the regimen. She was prone to bouts of hysterics and sometime violence. Twice she’d been committed, and both times she’d been released once on her medications again.

She was unstable, she wasn’t ready, and Ellien couldn’t believe the rational, softly-spoken girl in front of her didn’t realize that.

Ellien did the only thing that could right her world. She said no.

“What?”

Samantha’s face was innocent confusion, like she really hadn’t thought it possible. Ellien mustered her courage, and said again: “No.

“I can’t. You’re really not prepared to have a child, Samantha, and I can’t in good conscience, give you a prescription for elixir right now. Maybe we can work something out so if you stay on your meds for a certain probationary period ...”

A dark look came over Samantha’s face. “Probationary?! Listen, I know my rights, and you can’t decide if I can have a baby.”

“I know,” Ellien replied, her confidence strengthening with each breath, “I can’t decide for you. But I can decide not to be party to it.

“Listen, Samantha, I think that if you could get into some good habits you could make a fine mother, but right now you know that sometimes you do things that you can’t control and end up regretting. What if you had an incident, and you hurt your child? Could you live with it? I’m not saying this for you, but for your child; I won’t give you elixir until you are healthy and in a good place.”

Samantha glowered as Ellien methodically noted the visit on her tablet, said a pleasant goodbye, and exited the office. She walked away from the examination room with a good feeling, like she’d made a stand that she’d never regret.

Fourteen days later a small horde of lawyers notified her of the impending lawsuit. She was accused of discrimination, alienation of affection, and interfering with parental rights. It was preparation for the suit that robbed her of conviction, after all her own lawyer tended to those details, it was the ravenous media that besieged her life.

#

“Are you a eugenicist, Dr Bailey?”

She blinked calmly. Her observers might mistake her composer for cool calculation, but in reality she merely wanted to keep her thoughts in some semblance of order. “No.”

The plaintiff’s attorney gingerly straightened the seams of his double-breasted silk suit. “Are you qualified to decide who is allowed to procreate?”

Again a frosty, “No.”

“I see,” he huffed. “Yet you refused a prescription of elixir to Ms Samantha Jellico on April third of this year, did you not?”

Ellien remembered her own lawyer’s advice: keep your answers short, but when you’re asked a convoluted question, make sure you’re clear. “I decided that it wasn’t in her best interest to be given a prescription at that time.”

“So you made a decision as to someone else’s reproduction, correct?”

“Not at all,” she replied. “I choose not to play a role in someone else’s reproduction.”

Ellien thought that her reasoned, clear answer would defuse the entire ordeal. Despite her expectations, her opponent’s mouth took on a barely perceptible sinister curl. “As a health care professional, can you cite any physical reason that would make pregnancy or childbearing dangerous to Ms Jellico?”

She’d been warned, coaxed, and almost plead with to refrain from taking the stand. At one point her lawyers uttered the word “forbid”, but Ellien would not hear of it. She’d stepped in, and was not being pushed into a corner by tricks of language. “I know no reason that she couldn’t have a child.”

“Your concern was for complication after childbirth?”

“Yes, Samantha’s been my patient for many years, and I know her history--”

The attorney cut her off, “Ms Jellico’s history is not at issue here.”

A blunt reminder that the judge had given instruction that Samantha’s history was not to be brought up to the jury. Ellien shook her head and tried to reign in her composure, “Her health is at issue, as is her capability to rear a child.”

“You had only just completed a check-up on Ms Jellico, and there is no note of a problem. Do you have concrete evidence to demonstrate that Ms Jellico is incapable of child rearing?”

“Only her pattern of behavior.”

She expected a protest, an uproar, or a censure for daring to speak what she’d been ordered to remain silent about. All she got was a sour look on the attorney’s face, “It is, then a foregone conclusion, then, that she cannot be a good mother?”

“I felt compelled to watch out for the needs of the potential child.”

He folded his arms, “You decided she was not fit to have a child. Therefore aren’t you, despite your distaste for the term, a eugenicist?”

She conceded the game of words. “I suppose I am, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN RUSTY ON RULES OF DATING AFTER 30 YEARS OFF THE MARKET

DEAR SURLY, I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA

TENTATIVE, please just grow a pair, and quit looking to society for validation. Be intimate, call when you're ready, and tell your partner you're unsure of the etiquette. If you've made a snafu, your partner will either forgive you, or hate you, and if the later he/she is a a waste of your time anyway.

DEAR SURLY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.

She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.

What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.

WORDS FAIL, that's a rough case. Surly's Guide to Manly Sympathy says to offer condolence, then shut up for a bit. If she wants to expound on that she can, and if she to remain silent,

DEAR SURLY, When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.

I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS

AMBIVALENT, your only concern right now should be for the kid. Since it seems you're taken care of, perhaps you want to secure your daughter's financial future so if should you cheat on this wonderful man she won't go without, or maybe you just want the child support for punitive reasons. The real question is why you want your ex-lover to pay up. When you know that, you'll have an idea what to do.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100317

Commandeered Dear Abby: TRIPS HOME FILL WITH FAMILY, LEAVING LITTLE TIME FOR FRIEND

DEAR SURLY, I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, 'Judith,' whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.

I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.

Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.

Judith just e-mailed me telling me to 'have a nice life' because if we were 'truly' friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.

I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.

I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA

HURT, how often does this friend go out to see you? From what I see, you're putting in all the effort, and it's not enough. If someone's not happy to see you on the rare occasion she gets to see you, then she's not a good friend anyway. Consider yourself free of one more demand on your time.

DEAR SURLY, I have been involved with 'Rich' for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.

Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.

Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, 'I don't want my baby around HER,' meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.

I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA

NOT MOVING ON, it hurts because you were stabbed in the back, and you're still chumming around with the assailant and his accomplice. Dumb. Maybe you want to mend things with Rich--some people value that level of loyalty, so I will grant you that, but why the hell are you letting the other woman into your house and life?! Sure, he needs to contribute to the care of the kid, but the handoff could be done without excessive mingling. You need to make boundaries. It won't make you hurt less, but it will give you a little control over your own destiny.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100316