Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE THINKS STAY-AT-HOME DAD NEEDS TO GET UP AND GO

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to 'Roy' for 27 years. For the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16, while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to this arrangement.

Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his own business or get work, but he never did. He also never made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home, moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think he really wants to anymore.)

Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen. For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to get busy with a career, go back to school, something -- anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no change. Should I leave him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

MISERABLE, you're pretty myopic, and obviously not the only miserable one. Seems to me that he's so deep in a mire he doesn't know how to get out, and your nagging isn't helping. You've told him he should go back to school or work, but have you tried asking him what he wants to do? A little respect from the family can go a long way toward helping a guy find some motivation. Sometimes that's far from enough, and some guys need to go get professional help to get their mojo back. But by all means leave him if "in sickness and in health" was just a pretty phrase devoid of meaning.

DEAR SURLY, When we were younger, my sister 'Kara' and I were sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.

I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child was a result of a one-night stand.

I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluctant to seek counseling? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

CONFLICTED, you need counseling. 16 year old girls do not submit willingly to the advances of an older, religious leader. They can be forced, coaxed, or even fooled by a predator's experience. You're desire to keep quite is a coping mechanism, but since you wrote the letter, it's obviously not doing all you hope it would. Telling the truth will be a hard transition, but better in the end.

PS Do right by your kid and make the father accept responsibility.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100331

Commandeered Dear Abby: GOOD GIRL FEELS TEMPTED TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT BAD

DEAR SURLY, I'm 16 and have grown up religious my whole life. I get good grades and stay out of trouble. A lot of my friends have done crazy things like drinking and partying, but I haven't. Because of this, I have the reputation of being a 'goody-two-shoes.'

I'm not saying it's a bad thing being a good girl, but I don't want to be a goody-two-shoes. Part of me wants to try some of the stuff my friends have been doing, but I don't want to lose my parents' trust. Please help! -- RESTLESS IN OREGON

RESTLESS, by Jove's Beard go out do some crazy! I'll add a caveat, but I implore you to recognize that you're only young once. Mark Twain said "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

The caveat, of course is be a bit responsible about the crazy. If you want to join in the high school orgies, employ protection so you don't have lifelong reminders of it. If you want do some drinking don't overdo it, and for hell's sake don't drive. Enjoy yourself now, but make sure you're not paying for it forever.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter left our small Midwestern town for the West Coast to marry money. At 37, she finally snagged her millionaire. She thought it was going to give her a blank check.

She does live in a lovely home and drives an expensive foreign car, but that's where it ends. Everything is in his name, and her wedding ring is one we gave her, although he paid to remove the stone and have it polished. I told her then to walk away.

They have two children. Her son is a spoiled brat, completely self-absorbed like his dad. Her daughter has learning disabilities and is still at home.

My daughter would never leave him. She loves the lifestyle too much. If she only knew how most of her extended family think of them. I'm embarrassed by it, really.

I just thought your readers should know that marrying money isn't necessarily the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. -- HER MOM IN WISCONSIN

MOM, she chose to forego love in exchange for a bankroll, but now she wants both. Lame. Your daughter has an advantage over those who marry the poor in that money can buy a fair facsimile of love--get a pool boy or a personal trainer ... wink, wink. Not an option for everyone, but your fortunate daughter can afford it.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100327

Commandeered Dear Abby: MEDIC'S BATTLEFIELD DECISION NOW CONTINUES TO HAUNT HIM

DEAR SURLY, I am a medic in the Middle East. I was out on patrol with some of our guys when we were hit with a mortar attack. More than one guy was wounded.

I ran to the first guy and saw that he was hit. He had a wound I knew he wouldn't be able to survive. He pulled a letter from his pocket, put it in my hands and pushed me away. I tried to apply pressure to his wound to slow the bleeding, but he pushed me away again. It was like he was telling me to go to the next man who needed my attention. Everyone survived except him.

At first, I thought I did the right thing by respecting his wishes to help someone I could save. When I got back and talked to his family, they were angry at me for not trying harder to save his life. When I signed up for this job, I knew I wouldn't be able to save everyone, but I am supposed to try my best no matter who it is I am saving.

Was I wrong by going to another man who I could save? Was it wrong of me to take his letter and leave him after he pushed me away twice? Please tell me what you think. -- DOC IN DISTRESS

DOC, of course they are upset. They lost a family member, and they should feel angry and hurt. You need to not take it personally. You're trained to help who you can help, right? You already know that in your job you have to do everything you can so doubts and second guessing doesn't overwhelm you. In this case you knew you couldn't help him. You helped who you could help. It sucks, and it sucks that you have to get the family's grief about it, but it sounds like you did the only human thing you could, so let them do what they do while they grieve, and don't stop helping who you can.

DEAR SURLY, My father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. While at a family party, my stepmother started talking about how she and Dad had just visited their friends, the Royal Family in England. I assume she thought she was being funny. My poor father was completely confused, but my stepmother continued on with the charade. We all felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle the situation. The grandkids felt bad for Grandpop.

I recently learned that my stepmother pretended her friend was his daughter. Dad is confused enough without having to be tricked in this manner. My stepmother is a very complex, challenging woman, and I need to handle this matter very carefully. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD ABOUT DAD IN NEW JERSEY

SAD ABOUT DAD, You need to learn how to deliver a proper bitchslap, or if you've got something against violence some sort of verbal equivalent. Why don't you grow a pair and tell her to knock it off? I feel sorry for your dad with Alzheimer's, a depraved wife, and wimpy kid who can't even help him out.

DEAR SURLY, My husband doesn't like his sister. When he drinks beer, he says ugly things about her and starts to cry. When I said she's his only sister and to cut it out, he closed his hands into fists.

I twice tried calling her at 1 a.m., after he fell asleep. Well, our phone bill arrived and her phone number is on it. He's the one who gets the mail, so please answer this in the paper. The bill is due in 10 days. -- PEACEMAKER IN FLORIDA

PEACEMAKER, why the hell would you try to call her when your husband dislikes her so much? Do you know why this resentment exists or are you just being a busybody? Get the bill paid, fess up to your stupid meddling, and butt out.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100326

Commandeered Dear Abby: FRIENDS THINK CLUMSY WOMAN'S BRUISES ARE EVIDENCE OF ABUSE

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 27-year-old woman who is a 'klutz,' which explains why I often have bruises on my legs and elbows. The other day, while lunching with friends I hadn't seen in a while, one of them brought up the subject of my bruises. (I had rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and was wearing a skirt.)

I laughed and explained how I got them -- running off an elevator before the door had opened all the way, tripping while climbing some stairs, and crashing into the coffee table and nearly breaking my leg. My friends exchanged knowing looks and told me if I ever needed anything -- ANYthing at all -- they were there for me and offered protection!

It became obvious that they think my fiance caused the bruises. I explained that I am often in a hurry and accident-prone. They didn't believe me. They just nodded and said, "Uh-huh ..."

I feel so humiliated. My fiance has never laid a finger on me. I have never had a healthier, more loving relationship, and it hurt that my friends think I'm a victim of domestic abuse.

A birthday get-together is coming soon and I don't feel comfortable going now. I'm worried they may tell others what they "think" may be going on behind closed doors. How do I set the record straight? -- JUST CLUMSY IN AMARILLO

CLUMSY, good friends watch out for you. Don't be humiliated, just accept that they are willing to help, but you don't need it at this time.

DEAR SURLY, I have a horrible secret. I have cheated on my husband with multiple strangers. I have tried to tell him I have an addiction, but he blows me off. When I first met him, I had been with two people. Since our wedding, I have lost count.

I think about sex constantly and often arrange to meet men anonymously many times during the week. I have tried to stop, but I just can't seem to. Believe me, I have tried.

I have attempted to talk to my husband about this so he will listen -- but I'm afraid to estimate how many times I have cheated because I fear he will leave me. Please help me. -- CAN'T STOP DOWN SOUTH

CAN'T STOP, if you can't tell you're husband, tell a theripist. Perferable a female one since I wouldn't want you getting charged $150 an hour to share this secret to an anonymous man.

You will, eventually, have to tell your husband, and he may leave you. If you're getting help, your odds are better, but still dismal.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100324

Commandeered Dear Abby: HUSBAND'S YOUNG CRUSH LEAVES WIFE FEELING FLAT

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Roger' -- 64 and retired -- has a crush on a 25-year-old woman who lives in our small community and who runs a dress shop I frequent. Roger is usually quiet and reserved, but when he sees 'Patti,' he utters loud cries and runs to her side. He examines every detail of her clothing, makeup, etc., and takes her hand and compliments her on her soft skin, her ring or the color of her nail polish.

From the expression on her face and the looks she exchanges with the other women in the shop, it's clear she considers him a pest.

I have spoken up and said, 'Patti must have a grandfather your age,' or, 'There's no fool like an old fool,' but Roger ignores it. My concern is that he's making a fool of himself in public and, by extension, me. I'm so embarrassed, I can no longer walk into my favorite dress shop. Patti is popular. She has many dates and is not interested in Roger. I hate to be pitied by others. What can I do to stop this? -- OLD FOOL'S WIFE IN ALABAMA

OLD FOOL, your husband's behavior doesn't reflect on you! Your behavior does. Okay, so there's a younger woman who causes your introverted husband to attempt social contact. It's a shame that you have to see it, but unless your husband is wealthy there is really no chance of it becoming an affair. (Wealthy men have a different allure.)

Best thing to do: just don't go with him. He's hurting nothing, and you can't change him, so just choose not to be witness to it.

DEAR SURLY, I was recently married, but we had to postpone our honeymoon for a couple of weeks due to weather and the loss of a sitter for my wife's daughter. The day after our wedding, my bride, 'Brenda,' informed me that we had a dinner date the following Monday with another married couple who are friends of hers. I gladly accepted, thinking it would be fun to go out and celebrate since our plans had fallen through.

The day before the dinner I was told that the husband (in the couple) had to work -- so Brenda and his wife would go out to dinner and, if it was OK with me, I would stay home and baby-sit my new stepdaughter. I felt I had no say in the matter, and to keep things positive in this brand-new marriage, I agreed.

I have no problem with Brenda going out alone with her friend, but I did feel slighted. Shouldn't the dinner have been postponed until a time when we were all available? Or should I have accepted this 'girls' night out' with more grace? -- HONEYMOON-DEPRIVED IN KNOXVILLE

DEPRIVED, when you felt like you had no say in the matter, you should have said. Nothing's wrong with the girls going out, and sometimes plans change without notice, so you have to be able to roll with the punches, but if you say nothing then you have no one but yourself to blame for the way you feel.

DEAR SURLY, My wife and I were out to dinner with two other couples who are also good friends. We all enjoyed a couple of bottles of wine during our meal.

When the check came, we split it three ways. However, one of the other couples insisted that we should tip only on the food portion of the bill. I said we should tip on the entire bill, including the cost of the wine. Who was correct? -- PROPERLY SERVED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

PROPERLY SERVED, tips are for schmucks. In an ideal world, they wouldn't be needed. Since we're far from ideal, you should just tip on the whole cost of the meal and stop trying to parse out things that "don't really count." It's cheap and tactless.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100322

Commandeered Dear Abby: FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS PUTS FAMILY FIRST IN TOUGH TIMES

DEAR SURLY, I'm a career woman, working for a family-owned business. Last year was difficult because there have been a number of layoffs and no raises. When I had my annual review, I received an outstanding evaluation but was again told no raise would be forthcoming because business is slow.

I could understand this because of the current economy if the owners of the company weren't taking expensive vacations and buying new luxury cars.

I have a hard time accepting there's no money for raises when they spend so extravagantly. I understand it's not my business how they spend their money, but it's difficult to swallow when I feel so taken advantage of. I'm not the only one here feeling the way I do, and it's beginning to create a hostile environment. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- BITTER IN THE NORTHEAST

BITTER, welcome to capitalism. You work to make money for them, and not the other way around. It's called greed, and it's what makes the world go round. The funny part is that you're upset because your greed ain't getting scratched. In our economy nobody's giving, and there's not much hope that when the money is easier that you'll be given any of it. Company loyalty is only good for the CEO.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter is being married in the fall and she has asked me to be her matron of honor. She has been through a lot, and I have supported her all the way. She says I am the only one who had faith in her, encouraged her and loved her no matter what.

Are moms supposed to be in their daughters' weddings? She doesn't want her dad in the wedding, so this makes it difficult. I am honored that she wants me to be her matron of honor. If her dad isn't in the wedding, should I be in it? I don't want any hard feelings from the other family members, but my daughter is determined to have me as her matron of honor. -- DONNA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DONNA, it's her wedding, and she can have anyone in it that she wants. If feelings are hurt, support her like you did to get asked to play that part, and let the cards fall where they may.

DEAR SURLY, I am a freelance writer who works from home. I have flexibility when it comes to my work hours, but I decide that on my own terms. I have lost count of the number of times friends and family have asked me to baby-sit, have lunch or go out shopping with them because, according to them, writing isn't 'real work' and working from home means having no fixed hours.

Last week my husband called me from his office and asked me to bring him some documents he had forgotten at home. When I realized it wasn't urgent, I told him no and that he had interrupted my train of thought. He has been sulking for days. Was I wrong?

In this digital age, with more people working from home, it still means adhering to a schedule. Oh, and one more thing -- please remind your readers that writing is very much a REAL job. -- FREELANCE WRITER IN TENNESSEE

FREELANCE, writing is a real job. I commend you for refusing to yield to people's whims. Your work is out of site--they don't see you commuting, sticking to a time clock, or chained to a desk so they assume you're not. It's not your fault they're dumb, so all you can do is educate them.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100319

Part 4: Eugenisists

Doctor Ellien Bailey was dumbfounded. Her mouth worked silently while she tried to make sense of fragments of a broken reality. Her patient, Samantha, had been visiting regularly for almost 20 years. She was obviously the product of a troubled home. The younger woman had been snared in trouble through her juvenile years, and her adult life was peppered with further entanglements that found her on the wrong side of the law, but she was just the sort of patient Ellien most wanted to help, and over the years, she liked to think that she had indeed, helped Samantha.

But she hadn’t yet come far enough. Not by far. After a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, they found that Samantha could be productive and avoid trouble so long as she stayed on her medication. Samantha, however, had problems sticking to the regimen. She was prone to bouts of hysterics and sometime violence. Twice she’d been committed, and both times she’d been released once on her medications again.

She was unstable, she wasn’t ready, and Ellien couldn’t believe the rational, softly-spoken girl in front of her didn’t realize that.

Ellien did the only thing that could right her world. She said no.

“What?”

Samantha’s face was innocent confusion, like she really hadn’t thought it possible. Ellien mustered her courage, and said again: “No.

“I can’t. You’re really not prepared to have a child, Samantha, and I can’t in good conscience, give you a prescription for elixir right now. Maybe we can work something out so if you stay on your meds for a certain probationary period ...”

A dark look came over Samantha’s face. “Probationary?! Listen, I know my rights, and you can’t decide if I can have a baby.”

“I know,” Ellien replied, her confidence strengthening with each breath, “I can’t decide for you. But I can decide not to be party to it.

“Listen, Samantha, I think that if you could get into some good habits you could make a fine mother, but right now you know that sometimes you do things that you can’t control and end up regretting. What if you had an incident, and you hurt your child? Could you live with it? I’m not saying this for you, but for your child; I won’t give you elixir until you are healthy and in a good place.”

Samantha glowered as Ellien methodically noted the visit on her tablet, said a pleasant goodbye, and exited the office. She walked away from the examination room with a good feeling, like she’d made a stand that she’d never regret.

Fourteen days later a small horde of lawyers notified her of the impending lawsuit. She was accused of discrimination, alienation of affection, and interfering with parental rights. It was preparation for the suit that robbed her of conviction, after all her own lawyer tended to those details, it was the ravenous media that besieged her life.

#

“Are you a eugenicist, Dr Bailey?”

She blinked calmly. Her observers might mistake her composer for cool calculation, but in reality she merely wanted to keep her thoughts in some semblance of order. “No.”

The plaintiff’s attorney gingerly straightened the seams of his double-breasted silk suit. “Are you qualified to decide who is allowed to procreate?”

Again a frosty, “No.”

“I see,” he huffed. “Yet you refused a prescription of elixir to Ms Samantha Jellico on April third of this year, did you not?”

Ellien remembered her own lawyer’s advice: keep your answers short, but when you’re asked a convoluted question, make sure you’re clear. “I decided that it wasn’t in her best interest to be given a prescription at that time.”

“So you made a decision as to someone else’s reproduction, correct?”

“Not at all,” she replied. “I choose not to play a role in someone else’s reproduction.”

Ellien thought that her reasoned, clear answer would defuse the entire ordeal. Despite her expectations, her opponent’s mouth took on a barely perceptible sinister curl. “As a health care professional, can you cite any physical reason that would make pregnancy or childbearing dangerous to Ms Jellico?”

She’d been warned, coaxed, and almost plead with to refrain from taking the stand. At one point her lawyers uttered the word “forbid”, but Ellien would not hear of it. She’d stepped in, and was not being pushed into a corner by tricks of language. “I know no reason that she couldn’t have a child.”

“Your concern was for complication after childbirth?”

“Yes, Samantha’s been my patient for many years, and I know her history--”

The attorney cut her off, “Ms Jellico’s history is not at issue here.”

A blunt reminder that the judge had given instruction that Samantha’s history was not to be brought up to the jury. Ellien shook her head and tried to reign in her composure, “Her health is at issue, as is her capability to rear a child.”

“You had only just completed a check-up on Ms Jellico, and there is no note of a problem. Do you have concrete evidence to demonstrate that Ms Jellico is incapable of child rearing?”

“Only her pattern of behavior.”

She expected a protest, an uproar, or a censure for daring to speak what she’d been ordered to remain silent about. All she got was a sour look on the attorney’s face, “It is, then a foregone conclusion, then, that she cannot be a good mother?”

“I felt compelled to watch out for the needs of the potential child.”

He folded his arms, “You decided she was not fit to have a child. Therefore aren’t you, despite your distaste for the term, a eugenicist?”

She conceded the game of words. “I suppose I am, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”