VOLATILE SISTER HAS TO BE STOPPED BEFORE SHE HURTS SON

DEAR SURLY, I have a sister I love dearly. "Thea" is married to a wonderful man, and they have a 3-year-old son I love as if he were my own. My problem is Thea has a nasty, violent temper, and she doesn't hesitate to use it toward the boy. Recently when he was overtired and needed to go to bed, Thea said he "knows better than to push me by throwing a tantrum." She then threatened to "beat him bloody" if he didn't "shut up" and go to sleep. She had already swatted his behind to the point that he could no longer stand up. This feels like abuse to me. When I suggested that perhaps Thea should try to calm down before she hits him (more than she already had), she threw me out of her house! I am terrified that this may be happening more often than I realize. But what if what I witnessed was just an isolated incident? If I act on it, I may never have a relationship with my sister again. What (if anything) can I do? I'm worried for the safety of my nephew, but I don't want to cause a rift I can't mend. -- MIDWEST AUNTIE

Damnit! You first instinct it to write a letter? You should be buying a shotgun, or at least calling the police. That kid is in trouble, especially with family like you. Don't tell me you really didn't know slapping a kid until he couldn't stand might==maybe--be okay. Get a spine, and get that kid some help!

DEAR SURLY, My fiance, "Roger," died recently. I am working through the devastating grief of his passing, but the core of my pain was listening to the eulogies at his funeral. I expected Roger's friends and family to share happy memories and celebrate the best of his life. However, many of those who spoke -- including his granddaughter -- chose to remember him as a notorious womanizer both while his wife was alive and after her death. Stories were shared about how he constantly hit on much younger women, including his daughter's childhood friends. One "gentleman" even shared an "amusing" anecdote about how he and Roger found out they were sleeping with the same woman. I knew about Roger's past before he met me and I managed to come to terms with it, but I did not expect it to be brought up as entertainment at his memorial. I also thought it to be inappropriate with his late wife's family in attendance. Now my memories are tainted, and I feel dirty and used. I live 500 miles from Roger's home and will probably never see those people again. What can I do to get over this anger that continues to haunt me? -- STILL IN MOURNING

MOURNING, we all have traits that define us. You got enganged to a doosie of a trait. The only think that you have to be hurt about is how dumb you are for getting tangled up in him.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110902

NOT-SO-FRIENDLY FACEBOOK POST MIGHT PROMPT DEBTORS TO PAY UP

DEAR SURLY, I loaned money to a couple of family members when I was overseas. They had fallen behind on their bills, so I sent them each $1,000 to get caught up.

It's two years later, and I have yet to see a dime from either one of them. I have sent them both letters asking to have 'some' money paid back; both sent me excuses about why they can't pay anything. However, on Facebook they write about how they went shopping, joined a gym and so on. I feel I have been taken advantage of. What can I do to get this settled? -- TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN MINNESOTA

TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, people don't like to pay back money. What incentive do they have? Right now they have your money, gym memberships, shopping, etc.

What you need is an incentive for them. Be warned that some people will react badly to 'incentives'. Maybe you need to invoice them a couple hundred dollars a month, or reply to these facebook posts with "Glad you could make it to the gym while you've still got that debt to me."

Oh, and quit loaning people money.

DEAR SURLY, Do I have to stop wearing my wedding ring? My husband died three years ago. We had been married 53 years and 12 days. Abby, I pledged 'until death do us part.' I just can't seem to make myself take off the ring he put on my finger so many years ago.

I'm tired of being told that I 'have' to give up something so precious to me. Is there a time limit, or is it OK for me to go ahead with wearing the ring and ignore the people who pester me about taking it off? Maybe a time will come when I'll want to, but not now, not yet. Please give me some sound advice. -- ARIZONA WIDOW

WIDOW, No one has any authority to tell you to give up your ring. If you want to hold on to it, you go right on, and if someone 'pesters' you about it, I suggest you spit in her eye!

DEAR SURLY, I'm 15 years old, and I'm afraid to kiss! I won't date anyone because I'm afraid my kiss will suffer by comparison. I know no one becomes an expert without practice, but I don't want anyone to be my first kiss.

Several guys are into me, but I can't date them because eventually they'll want to kiss. It would be so embarrassing to be horrible at it. Any advice? -- TOO FREAKED OUT TO MAKE OUT

FREAKED OUT, Everyone remembers their first kiss, and everyone remembers it as much nicer or more horrific than it really was--but at age 15 you still have LOTS of time to get over it. There's no deadline, and no hurry. If you decide you do want to kiss, do it becuase you want to instead of supposed to.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110718

PASTOR WITHOUT COMPASSION NEEDS A COME-TO-JESUS TALK

DEAR SURLY, We have a problem -- our pastor. He uses the pulpit to criticize, put people down and offers no compassion. A person can only take so much.

The problem is, if you say anything to him, you can bet the next sermon will be about what you discussed. How can I talk to him without making him angry? -- ALL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, try reading the bible ... it sounds to me like your minister has a good understaning of what it's all about. If that doesn't appeal know you can't change him--but you can change churches.

DEAR SURLY, I have been dating 'Claude' for eight months. We are planning a trip in the fall to visit his family's chateau in France. Claude has long legs and refuses to travel in coach because it's uncomfortable, so he will buy a business-class ticket for himself and a coach ticket for me.

While I'm grateful Claude is paying for my ticket, I feel that since we're a couple, we should travel together. I don't want to be upgraded to business class necessarily, but I'd like him to sit in coach with me. When I brought this up, he refused and is now calling me 'ungrateful.'

My feelings are hurt, and Claude can't understand why I am upset. My friends and family think he is acting rude and selfish. I can't help but agree. Do I have a right to be upset? I am so uncomfortable with this arrangement that I'm considering not even going. -- NOT UNGRATEFUL IN SAN DIEGO

NOT UNGRATEFUL, you're ungrateful. I don't know how your relationship works, but he's buying you a plane ticket! To France! Sure, it's in coach, and not really ideal, but you're not the first passenger who doesn't get to sit next to your companion--odds are you will still enjoy the trip unless you get all pissy about this. Damnit, the flight is unpleasant and it won't much matter who you're beside. Take a few books to read, listen to some music, try to sleep. It won't matter where you sit.

DEAR SURLY, When my husband, 'Ken,' proposed three years ago, he had a steady job with an income twice as high as mine. He was laid off before our wedding, but we went ahead with the marriage. After our wedding, Ken was unemployed for another year before finally finding a minimum wage job. After one year at that job, he was fired. He has since found another minimum wage position.

I am a young teacher. We live in an expensive part of the country. We struggle every day to pay for groceries, gas and other essentials. I wasn't raised to expect many frills in life and I am frugal, but there are certain things I always assumed I would have -- a house of my own, children, a savings account. If I stay with Ken, I don't believe these things will ever be within my reach.

In all other ways, Ken is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. But is there ever a time when love isn't all you need? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.

SECOND THOUGHTS, you're a shallow bitch. Do Ken a favor and dump him--maybe you can find a nice sugar daddy who will provide you with a house and bank account, and without you weighing him down maybe Ken will revive his will to live and get out of his employment rut.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110713

HUSBAND ABUSED BY HIS WIFE FINDS FEW RESOURCES FOR MEN

DEAR SURLY, I was a victim of domestic abuse by my wife, and I don't feel I have been treated fairly. There are many programs for abused women, but I haven't found any for men. This problem is more common than people realize, but men are embarrassed to say anything. I'd like my voice to be heard to encourage men to speak up.

I did not hit my wife back after she beat on me. I still love her, but I refuse to be abused any longer. Surly, please help me help myself and others. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

BILL, some people think that testicles mean you have the social responsiblity to defend yourself. In brief looking I find there are places to supply support to guys in your place such as www.batteredhusbandssupport.com.

Get help, just remember that love isn't everything, and if you have to get out, don't be afraid to do it.

DEAR SURLY, Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.

What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?

If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

FAIR?!?! You're thinking to give presents to some kids in a household, and withold from others--kids who have no real say in their living arrangements--and you sign as "fair"? Are you an infant?

"Fair" has no home in the real world other than an ideal to which we aspire. If you truly want to be fair, you won't ignore these kids. You don't have to be as lavish as you are with your own grandchildren--not even they would expect that. But recognize them--a card, a little book, something modest that says "hey, you're alright, kid".

Everyone will feel good in the end.

DEAR SURLY, For a lot of reasons--many betrayals among them--I have almost completely lost my faith in the basic goodness of people. I have started isolating myself because I believe that more contact with people will destroy what little belief I have left. I don't want to be so bitter and cynical, and I need help overcoming this. Any advice would be appreciated. -- WOUNDED SOUL IN MINNESOTA

WOUNDED--people have no basic goodness. We're creatures. We eat, sleep, breed, and shit. Most of the people you run accross will me miserable, pathetic sods.

Most--but not all.

Humanity is, and has always been, carried on the shoulders of a special few, and even they sometimes fail.

The trick is not to pin your happiness to someone else. It's not cynical to expect betrayals, failures, and general crap from everyone becasuse sooner or later imperfection visits us all. Be ready for it becuase you can't escape it. Accept it. Sometimes you have to try to forgive it ... as crappy as that sounds.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110622

NATIONAL ANTHEM DESERVES YOUR HAND AND YOUR HEART

DEAR SURLY, I was criticized recently for placing my right hand over my heart while the U.S. flag was flown and 'The Star-Spangled Banner' was being sung. I was told that the hand over the heart is for the Pledge of Allegiance only, when the flag is present. Is that true, and what is the proper procedure? -- ST. LOUIS PATRIOT

PATRIOT, what kind of stupid rednecks are you hanging out with? Who would make it a point to rib a guy over holding his heart during the anthem? First you need to do the American think, and either assault or sue this critic. After that, put your hand where you want it.

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 25-year-old male who, for the most part, has figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm currently working, and I am also considering entering the military to boost my character and resume. I want to eventually become a lawyer so I can help people.

Something that irritates my family is my refusal to date. I suffer from anxiety attacks just at the thought of talking to a woman or asking for a date. My older sister asks me when I will marry, and my dad claims I'd be a great father. How can I get my family to understand that I'm not interested in marriage and children? -- LOVELESS IN THE SOUTHWEST

LOVELESS, your family is pretty narrow minded. They seem to think there's only one 'right' way to live your life. They're wrong. There are, and have been through the ages, many successful men who opted to forgo family in pursuit of other goals. There is nothing wrong with it.

When the family tells you that you'd be a great father, tell them "Thanks, I would be if I decided to do that with my life ... but I have other plans."

DEAR SURLY, My father has been dead for more than 15 years. Any time my mother sees people she hasn't seen since Dad's death, she makes a point of telling them how happy she is now that he's dead! She doesn't care how loudly she declares it or how she says it.

At my son's recent wedding reception, I overheard her having this conversation with my brother-in-law. He made eye contact with me to see if I could hear what she was saying, then shook his head like he couldn't believe what she was saying.

Surly, it's embarrassing that she does this all the time. If I say anything, I know she'll get mad at me. Any suggestions? -- CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE

CAN'T TAKE HER, you can't shut her up. She's happy, and she's going to go cry it on the mountain. Face it, sometimes it's good when the old ball and chain is kicked off. I don't know why she's so happy, but maybe you do. Even if you think she's crass for saying it so loud and often, but you can really only stop going with her, or learn to just ignore her.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110614

CHURCH TEACHER DODGING DATES SHOULD SAY 'NEVER ON SUNDAY'

DEAR SURLY, I am a 48-year-old single male. I teach an adult Sunday school class. Two women who have joined our group have made it plain they would like to have a romantic relationship with me.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'd like to meet someone special, too, but I'm not certain this is the right way. Please advise. -- TROUBLED TEACHER IN THE SOUTH

TROUBLED, what the hell is wrong with you?! If you're spending time in a Sunday school, you will meet people there. Your interactions in that environment will be more in depth and meaningful then any you could muster if, say, you were to meet a stranger in the grocery and try to make a move. Plus, if you're in Sunday school and she/they is in Sunday school you have something in common. Of course this is the right way.

DEAR SURLY, We are a gay couple who have been together for 37 years. We were recently invited to the wedding of a close nephew in San Antonio. The invitation was addressed to us both, and we flew 5,000 miles to attend.

At the ceremony, my partner, 'Alan,' was seated in front with the groom's family. While we were being shown to our seats, I was told by the groom's father, 'Sorry. You can sit somewhere else.' Alan and I were deeply offended.

How should we express our displeasure and prevent this from happening again when the niece marries? Do we have a right to say anything? -- SNUBBED IN HONOLULU

SNUBBED, the Constitution gives you the right to complain. Funny that a family event like a wedding would split your family's seats ... find that father who said you couldn't sit there, and tell him that he's an insensitive prick. Weddings are about bringing family together, right? Don't take no for an answer, and be willing to rearrange chairs if it comes to that.

DEAR SURLY, My wife is a cancer survivor who is doing well. When a friend or relative learns she had cancer, a common response is, 'Yeah, I knew someone who had the same kind of cancer. It was awful. It came back six months later and he/she died an agonizing, terrible death.'

Abby, it's hard to remain polite around such thoughtless, moronic individuals when they blurt out something like this in my wife's presence. I can't imagine the fear she must experience hearing such remarks. Can you offer an effective retort? -- BAFFLED BY THE IGNORANCE

BAFFLED, you oughtn't be baffled. People are idiots. You can't stop them from saying stupid things like this, but you can ridicule them. Say "stories of other people's tragic reoccurrences of cancer are good for our states of mind, you rancid arsehole."

If you're very lucky, stupid people might stop talking to you altogether.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110608

WOMAN WHO WON'T KEEP TRACK OF TIME ISN'T WORTH MAN'S FUTURE

DEAR SURLY, I have been in a seven-year relationship with 'Maddy,' which will probably end soon because she can't seem to stick to any kind of routine. Maddy is in her mid-30s, the youngest in a large family, and grew up without any kind of responsibilities. She's always misplacing and losing things -- watches, cameras, jewelry, etc. Her mail goes unopened and her bills get paid late even though she has plenty of money.

Maddy thinks I'm 'controlling' because I get frustrated when we have to be somewhere at a specified time and she's always late. I think she's selfish to put her needs ahead of everyone else's. There's always an excuse; it's always someone's fault, never hers.

In my line of work, if I have a meeting to attend, I arrive on time. Maddy thinks that unless it's her boss telling her what time to be at a meeting, everything else is when she 'gets to it.' I have planned entire weekends with dinner reservations and events scheduled and let her know what time we need to leave. When the time comes, she's not even packed yet. Worse, she can't understand my irritation. Is this relationship worth saving -- or my sanity? -- LOSING PATIENCE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

LOSING PATIENCE, you have to accept that you can't change this woman. Accept the fact she will always be late, that she will never give a damn about your plans, and that you will always be second to her whims. You've done for seven year, and if you want to put up with seven more, stick with it. If you do though, I suspect your blood-pressure will prevent this from going on longer.

Do you want a tragic break-up or a tragically early death?

DEAR SURLY, I have noticed over the past few decades that fewer and fewer people have heroes (I mean real heroes, not celebrities who are famous for being famous). I'd love to hear from your readers about who their heroes are and why. These heroes should not be family members, but someone outside the family -- a teacher, doctor, artist, writer, mentor, statesperson, etc.

Without positive role models to emulate, it's no wonder the majority of our young people are losing their way. -- ALISON IN ASHLAND, ORE.

ALISON, heroes are hard to come by when we live in a world where heroes are so often seen as human. In some ways it's good to know that even those we admire are fallible, but it can break a young heart when he hears an idol has engaged in something ... torrid. I'm all for heroes, but temper the adulation with warning that these people are indeed people, and prone to human weakness.

Caveat in mind, my heroes include:
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Carl Sagan
Richard Feynman

DEAR SURLY, I need your help with a problem I'm having with my husband, 'Fred.' He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. It is so bad that I'm not even allowed to hold his phone -- even if he is trying to show me a video on it. His laptop is password-protected.

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, 'Because these things are mine.' I feel as if he is hiding something. I know I shouldn't be paranoid, but since he was unfaithful in the past, I have my suspicions. Please let me know what I can do to solve this. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

LEFT OUT, I think you already know the answer to this, but are seeking some reinforcement. I'll reinforce the hell out of it for you. Everyone is entitled to some personal space, and that should be expected and embraced. But this douche has already cheated on you, and his entitlement to personal space should rightly be truncated. He should be willing to show you that he's not repeating his offense.

And if he's not willing to trust you with that you're relationship is already over.

It's a shit deal, I know, but if he's unwilling to make things work you can't make him and you can't make it work on your own.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110606

EXPECTING OLDER MOM GETS UNEXPECTED FAMILY REACTION

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 40-year-old, stay-at-home mom with a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old. Three weeks ago, on my birthday, I found out that I am pregnant. Forty and pregnant --- it is truly a miracle. My husband, who is almost 50, is in complete shock.

He has looked like a ghost since he found out. I finally had an emotional meltdown and told him I don't feel like he's very happy for our unexpected bundle. His reply? 'Sorry, Hon, I'm not!' He thinks he's too old.

My older child has said only one sentence to me since I told her the news: 'You're going to be an old mom.' They feel I have ruined their lives. I feel ... happy. How do I get them to warm up to this new addition to the family? -- OLD MAMA IN WASHINGTON STATE

OLD MAMA, you can't make anyone do anything, including "warm up". Face it: pregnancy is a time of transition and that's tough on some people, but their lives aren't ruined. They may or may get onboard during the pregnancy, and if they don't it'll be hard, but you can do it. If they don't get with you by the time the young 'un is home then you really have a problem, and odds are a cute little guy will win a lot of support.

DEAR SURLY, I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, 'Todd,' is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

My best friend, 'Mavis,' has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? -- NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

BREAK, if everyone is happy, I'm happy for you. If Todd is for for it, however, you will need to be on your guard about the plethora of issues that spouse sharing can invoke, but if you're up for it, then enjoy your vacation ... take a load off.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110601

Commandeered Dear Abby: TEENAGER FEELS UNSETTLED BY BOYFRIEND'S ROVING EYE

DEAR SURLY, I'm 17 and have been dating 'Raymond' for two years. The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is. During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face. That really hurt, and I can't get over it.

I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys. Can you please give me some advice? I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head. Are his eyes for me only? -- TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF.

TEEN, you're both always going to be 'attracted' to other people. It's just normal biology. It's really a matter of what you do about it. In this case, it seems you are repressing those attractions in favor of a stable relationship--and that's fine, that's what monogamy is all about.

Nevertheless, it seems your longtime boyfriend may be a smidge controlling. He's comparing you to other potential mates and 'throwing them in your face'. (By the way, if he's literally doing that, he might be jockeying for a threesome.) At the same time, you're not supposed to acknowledge other potential mates--this seems more than a little unfair, and you should address it.

My advise in addressing this imbalance is to dump him. You're just a kid! You need to get out there and try on some other shoes before you run the marathon!

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Russ,' and I have been married 13 years. During that time he has lost more than 15 jobs for various reasons -- tardiness, not performing up to par, etc. I finally was able to convince him to get tested when I noticed he was having difficulty paying attention. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and they said he has an IQ of about 80.

I am working on my doctorate. I hold a job with other wives whose husbands have 'great jobs,' and I sometimes don't know what to say about Russ. He's a good person, very loving and tries his best, but honestly, I do get frustrated and have a little bit of 'husband envy.'

Russ is 50 and we have no children. How do I come to grips with the fact that he may never be a provider? -- CHALLENGED IN NEW YORK

CHALLENGED, most everybody has husband envy from time to time. You're just letting yours get the best of you. When you married, you had to know that Russ wasn't the meatiest taco in the fiesta, but you married him anyway. Maybe you thought is inability to focus was spontaneity, and you liked it. Now you call it something else, and it's not so good.

He won't be a provider. You seem to be able to provide for yourself though, so you don't need him to be. Do you just want him to work so you can be lazy? Not going to happen. Just focus on what you do have, and ether be happy with it, or dump it at the curb and be lonely. Your call.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100612

Commandeered Dear Abby: SOLDIER'S IMAGINATION GETS A WORKOUT WHILE IN THE GYM

DEAR SURLY, I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq. My unit's mission has ended, but we must remain here for the next two months with no real mission to occupy our time. Because of this, I -- along with other soldiers -- spend free time in the gym.

Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.

Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ

CRUEL AND ... well, very USUAL, even little kids know it's not right to stare, so it's not right for you. There is a problem here, and it's you. Trust me, as a fellow gym rat I know your pain. The difference between us, however is, that if I don't want to stare, I don't. Sure I notice the girls, and I notice boys, equipment, plants etc. It's a matter of will.

Personally, I think girls wear those things for one of 3 reasons: 1) they're over heated, 2) they want the attention, or 3) they own nothing else. If it's #1 you have to cut them a break; my grandmother taught me that girls don't sweat--they perspire. If it's #3 then they one time bought those clothes for reason #2. That's still no excuse to stare though.

In fact, if she wants the attention, you don't want to give it to her. If you even play that game, she wins.

DEAR SURLY, My father died six months ago after many years of declining health. He was 87 and had lived a long and rich life. My oldest brother insists we have an annual celebration on my father's birthday at Dad's favorite Chinese restaurant. This isn't how I want to honor my father. He was a simple man who liked working 'behind the scenes.'

Everyone in our large family showed up at the restaurant, and my mother and brother loved all the attention. I do not want to memorialize my father this way, but not participating will create a rift. Should I stay true to myself and honor Dad in my own quiet way, or fake it and go to this annual shindig that is really about my brother? -- MANIPULATED IN MASSACHUSETTS

MANIPULATED, quit pouting. If you think the gathering to too sibling-centric, try to shift the focus back where it belongs. There's nothing wrong with a memorial get together, but trust me, when there are living people attending they will discuss life. While you're alive you'll just have to deal with it.

You can sluff the dinner, but I can't say how your family will react. Sometimes people get touchy when they think you're dissing a dead guy. I suggest going along, and don't let family get under your skin.

DEAR SURLY, After a year together my boyfriend has broken up with me. He's going through a divorce and says that right now is not a good time for us. I'm confused because he has told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.

He wants to keep in touch and says that maybe, down the road when things are different, we can get back together.

My friends and family think he's using me as a standby so he can live the single life but still have someone waiting on the side. I'm left wondering, does he want to get past his issues or is he just playing games? -- NOT A GAME-PLAYER, PLEASANTON, CALIF.

GAME-PLAYER, you're boyfriend dumped you so he can divorce another woman. You are a game player, and if you can't see that you're already entangled in a mess there's no help for you. Here's the pith though: if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him either. Pack it in, stupid.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100609

Commandeered Dear Abby: WOMAN FEARS BEING WATCHED BY GHOSTS OF HER LOVED ONES

DEAR SURLY, I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people's spirits are near us after they die.

Please don't laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don't want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? -- SPOOKED IN SPOKANE

SPOKANE, you're crazy. Stories of ghosts and spirits are filed under "unexplained" because when all is said and done, they are antidotal or weird things that happen without explanation. We can split atoms and put school-bus sized satellites in space, but we can't find evidence of spirits. You may as well stay up worrying about other things that lack evidence; things like UFOs, the Lock Ness Monster, or honest politicians.

If you can't do it on your own, get help, but you need to get acquainted with reality.

DEAR SURLY, I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn't fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it's the wrong size and ask the person to return it?

I gave my sister an outfit that didn't fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. -- LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, if you'd get the perfect gift the first time, you wouldn't have to worry about it. As is, I say "who cares?!" A gift is supposed to show that you care, and if you do, you shouldn't mind taking it back, but since you got all riled up enough to write a letter, I assume you don't care enough to put it a little effort. It's okay to not care, but in that case you should really just skip the gift altogether.

DEAR SURLY, A friend of more than 40 years, 'Myra,' delivered a letter to my physician outlining her observations of what she claims were 'changes' in me. I was called into my doctor's office to respond.

Myra has also told me I should see a psychiatrist. I am disappointed that a friend would say these things about me, and I don't think she should have contacted my doctor without telling me. I have asked others if they have noticed any dramatic changes in me and no one else has.

Myra may have my best interests at heart, but I am upset about this, to say the least. Am I wrong to feel that she has overstepped her boundaries? -- PERFECTLY FINE IN OHIO

PERFECTLY FINE, there is no difference between what you say and what a person with a brain tumor would say. When the brain goes on the fritz, you can't always tell because your means of measuring your well being are off too. Maybe she should have talked to you first, or maybe she did and you either brushed it off or don't remember. I find that if you have a friend good enough to watch out for you, you shouldn't get upset when they worry a little too much.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100604

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE CONCEALS LATE HUSBAND'S FEET OF CLAY FOR SAKE OF KIDS

DEAR SURLY, My friends and neighbors thought I had the best husband, and our children thought he was the greatest dad. But on the day he died, I found out he had been having sex with another woman.

I went to visit him in the hospital and overheard the whole thing as he was talking to her. Abby, she was a prostitute. I knew money had been disappearing, but I never imagined anything like this.

Should I go on pretending to my adult children, or tell them the truth? They thought he was the best father in the whole world. Even though this happened more than five years ago, I continue to have nightmares over it. -- STILL HURTING IN BOSTON

HURTING, I'm a believer that the truth will set you free, but in this case the truth serves no greater purpose. If some good would come of airing this dirty laundry, I'd go for it, but it seems too late and all that would happen is that you'd be free of this secret at the cost of everyone else's feelings.

My advice, see a shrink and keep it to yourself. It's best for everyone but you.

DEAR SURLY, I am a 76-year-old father of three sons and grandfather of five. The other night, I was dining out with my brother, one of my sons, his 31-year-old wife, and their two children, ages 5 and 2.

The server was standing next to me and the 5-year-old, poised to take our orders. My daughter-in-law was distracted by the 2-year-old, so I placed my order so the server would not be kept standing there.

My son chastised me for not waiting until his wife placed her order first. Embarrassed, I offered an apology. Was I wrong not to wait for my daughter-in-law to place her order? What would have been the proper thing to do? -- EMBARRASSED IN GARFIELD, N.J.

EMBARRASSED, Emily Post says you should wait upon the lady, but this is the 21st century, and efficiency trumps manners. You were efficient, and the server likely thanks you for it.

DEAR SURLY, The company where I work posted an ad online and at our state unemployment job board for a position that needed to be filled. The ad detailed simple but specific instructions that included asking applicants to write a cover letter to address certain questions. It also said -- in large letters: 'YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR EMPLOYMENT.'

Of the 133 resumes we received, 76 did not contain the information that was requested. These applications were moved to an 'Incomplete' file and not considered for hire. What's sad is that judging by their resumes alone, several of these applicants had the qualifications we were looking for.

With unemployment being what it is, I was surprised that the majority of the applicants did not comply with the simple instructions. Please advise your unemployed readers that a job is out there for them, but they must follow instructions. -- TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, TUMWATER, WASH.

HELPFUL, mundane, pointless directions aren't helpful. If you want to get the right person for the job, you may not want to make applicants jump through bureaucratic hoops. Sure, applicants who can follow mindless instructions is a desirable trait in some environments, but think of how this reflects on you. You're a sod for throwing out good candidates because they don't do as you say. Maybe one day you'll need someone to point out when you're wrong about something ... I mean other than today.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100602

Commandeered Dear Abby: COLLEGE-BOUND COUPLE READY TO GIVE LONG-DISTANCE A TRY

DEAR SURLY, I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon. My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too. We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely. We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a 'long-distance relationship.'

The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon. I don't want to force any unnecessary stress upon him, and I know he feels the same. What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out? Do you have any tips for maintaining it? -- COLLEGE-BOUND

COLLEGE, by advise is to make one date. It's going to be several months in the future, and you will agree to be civil to each other on this date.

You see, you're both going to see some more of the world, and there's really no way to tell what you'll see or how that will alter your perception of the world. Be prepared for change. There's a reason you here so few stories of high-school sweet hearts married for 50 happy years ... because it doesn't happen too often. Even after high school you have some growing up to do.

If you look at other people's experience, you're heading into a stage that is rife with change, and you and this boy mayn't come out on the same page after a splash into this new realm. That's okay. If you meet up in a few months, and you're still dedicated to each other, great! If you've found you're not where you thought you'd be, that's expected, and great too.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100517

Commandeered Dear Abby: BOSS'S HINT OF COVER-UP MEANS IT'S TIME TO LEAVE

DEAR SURLY, I overheard my boss talking about something that sounded like a cover-up for an 'accident' involving some people he doesn't like. I would like to report him to the police, but he knows I heard him and I'm afraid if the police question him, my little girl or I could wind up having an 'accident,' too.

What should I do? Several people are already in the hospital. -- WORRIED SICK

WORRIED, if I read this right, this man is a menace, and he needs to be stopped. What if he hurts someone else because you did nothing? If the police need to be informed, you need to suck it up and do it, then take some measures to protect yourself and your family. You've already got his attention, you need to be prepared.

DEAR SURLY, I am a hospitalist, a physician who cares for hospitalized patients. When I enter a patient's room, I invariably find the television blaring. Usually the patient or family members will make no effort to mute the TV, and I must turn it off myself. Because they are paying me to communicate, I would assume they would want to hear what I have to say.

Occasionally patients have expressed irritation at having their TV turned off (they can turn it back on using the bedside control). It seems to me that good manners require one to turn off the television or radio or hang up the phone when the physician makes rounds. Am I wrong? -- HOSPITALIST IN THE NORTHEAST

HOSPITALIST, they're idiots. They love the TV because they are stupid. Odds are they won't understand what you tell them anyway. The best thing that you could do would be to be on the TV. Set up a camera in the hall, go in and change the channel to show your camera feed, and talk to them from there. They still won't understand you, but they will worship you, and that's all you can hope for from cretins.

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to my wife, 'Leigh,' for seven years. We have two sons, ages 4 and 2. I love Leigh and our sons very much.

Over the years I became increasingly dependent on drinking (beer). I have never been abusive, but Leigh expressed concern about it. I didn't think the problem was anything we couldn't deal with.

A little over a year ago, Leigh's mother died of cancer. It has been an extremely emotional time for her, and she has now decided she can no longer tolerate my behavior. She's not even sure she's in love with me anymore.

Hearing her say it made me realize how big a deal my drinking is, and I am committed to changing. But after a month of trying, Leigh still says she would be better off alone. She is starting counseling soon. I told her I'd go with her.

This is a painful period for us, and I can't imagine my life without her and the kids. Is it too late? -- SCARED SOBER IN AUSTIN

SCARED, it's not too late, but it may be out of your hands. If you comport yourself well while drinking, then what is the wife's issue with it? She has her own reasons and thoughts that you may not be able to understand and much less affect. It's good that you're trying, and she's going to therapy. Sounds like you're taking good steps toward keeping together. Keep it up. I don't know what the next step you'll have to take will be, but you will when you see it.7

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100514

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN'S SHAME OVER INFIDELITY PROMPTS THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

DEAR SURLY, I have been married 19 years to a beautiful, accomplished woman. We have two wonderful children. I fooled around throughout my marriage because I could. I justified it by telling myself the women knew what they were doing, and I never made any false promises about leaving my wife. She suspected a couple of times, but always gave me the benefit of the doubt.

My last affair ended publicly with every gory detail exposed. My family, work, reputation -- everything that mattered to me -- have been destroyed. I can't talk about any of it to a therapist because I am so ashamed. Friends, family and co-workers now shun me. I have hit rock bottom.

If you have a hopeful solution, please share it. Otherwise, please print this as a warning to other men like me that when they hit bottom -- as will surely happen -- there's nowhere to turn. I want to end my life. -- SHATTERED IN LOUISIANA

SHATTERED, suicide might be a good option, because you think it's all about you. You fooled around, things important to you were destroyed, you are ashamed and you hit rock bottom. Are you even capable of thinking about how other people feel? If you were, do they want to see you dead? (Well, some of them probably do, but all of them?)

Listen, you might be a terrible husband, a bad father, and a pathetic human being, but you're not fated to stay that way. You have a chance to be a better person before you die. The question then is, how do you want people to remember you?

DEAR SURLY, My mother and I rarely get along -- mainly because she thinks she's fabulous and I don't. I'm in my 30s, married with a child and have a career. I am tired of riding an emotional roller coaster with Mother.

She is planning her next visit and I don't want her to come. Her visits end up lasting a week or more, and her conversation consists of complaining, making snide comments about my house and how I am raising my child (under the guise of being 'helpful'), and then whining because I don't have the time or desire to entertain or placate her.

Can you tell me how to tell her that visits to my house are no longer welcomed? -- DONE WITH THE DRAMA

DRAMA, that's easy: distance. You can still visit you're mother sometimes, and you kid should see her, but if/when she does come, make some distance. Let her get a hotel, don't spend all day with her. Less time together is less time for her to make jabs. Good fences make for good neighbors the same as a bit of distance makes for manageable families.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100513

Commandeered Dear Abby: SALARY AND BENEFITS ARE PRIME TOPICS FOR INTERVIEW

DEAR SURLY, My co-workers and I would like your opinion on the following question: Is it appropriate to ask about the salary during a job interview? Half of us say, 'Yes. When better to ask what the pay will be?' Others say, 'No, it's in poor taste.' What do you think? -- ALL BETS ARE IN

BETS, taste plays no part in the dog-eat-dog interview world. The interview is a proposal of a relationship, and coming out of the interview both parties should know what they can be expected to bring into and take out of the relationship. Of course you should ask about the wage! Don't be stupid. That's a big part of why you want the job, and to not ask it not just stupid, it's really damned stupid.

DEAR SURLY: My husband of more than 20 years decided that the grass was greener on the other side, and now I find myself on the dating scene again. I had breast reduction surgery, thinking I would be with my husband for the rest of my life. Now I don't know how to bring up the subject if I find a man with whom I want to be intimate.

I know a man should love me for who I am on the inside, but I can't help but feel that the scars I carry on the outside will make him turn and walk away. Not a day goes by that I don't regret having had the surgery, but there is nothing I can do about that now.

When do I tell the guy about my scars? I don't want this to get in the way of sharing my life with someone. -- SCARRED IN ARIZONA

SCARRED, an unmarked breast is a rare thing these days. You should not need to explain your scars. In fact, if they are very noticeable scars, any expatiation should be made by your surgeon. It's the 21st century, and while scarring from such a procedure is inevitable, any decent surgeon should be able keep them unobtrusive.

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Rick,' and I have been married 20 years. He's a veteran who is completely disabled. We live in a very secluded area. The nearest town is 60 miles away, and I can't be gone long because of Rick's needs.

I'm lonely. My family lives in another state. Rick said years ago that we would move to where my family members are. But now he refuses because he doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.

Some days I am more down than others. Our home is on the market, but we won't be going far -- just a bit closer to the town where Rick's family is. When I bring up the subject of missing my relatives, Rick gets angry so I don't say anything anymore. I long for my family -- and for many other things as well. Could you share your feelings on this, please? -- NOWHERE IN MONTANA

NOWHERE, dig him a hole and throw him in it. Don't feel bad because he's acting dead already, so if you treat him like a corpse it seems like it would be fair. He's dragging you into dead with him. You can still be resuscitated. In order to live, you have to live. Maybe by embracing life, you can drag him back toward life too, but you can't make him so be prepared.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100507

Commandeered Dear Abby: A RIVAL'S COMPLAINT TRIGGERS FIRING ON WORKER'S FIRST DAY

DEAR SURLY, My wife was hired for an administrative position. On her first day of work, they called her into the human resources director's office and told her she was being 'let go' because of her website. The site has photos of her when she worked as a model for a large department store. They are in no way provocative or overly revealing. Photos of our children are also on the site.

The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!

We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an 'at will' employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY

YANKEE, money makes the world go round, and companies have all of the money ... they can pretty much do what they want. Sure, they're pricks, but the law allows it. Bright side is that if this is the company's attitude, it might be more unpleasant if your wife worked there.

DEAR SURLY, My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an 'I'm sorry' note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE

AMENDS, you're a big man to apologize though you don't feel you started it. Good man. Personally, I would think a face to face would be easier than a note so you can look the injured party in the eye. Don't dwell on who started it, just let them know that you regret your part in the altercation.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.

Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think 'Ellen' would love to have one of my silk scarves, and 'Peter' would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or 'Annemarie' would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.

Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH

TRAVELER, if you have them all over, there will still be hard feelings as to who grabs what. Instead of showing them all the stuff you have and letting them ruminate on the things they don't get, just do as you planned, and give each person a hand-chosen gift.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100504

Commandeered Dear Abby: VICTIM OF HERPES INFECTION FEELS CONSUMED BY ANGER

DEAR SURLY, I recently got genital herpes. I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.

The man I caught the virus from, 'Jack,' claims he didn't know he had herpes. I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? -- OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI

OUTRAGED, you're kidding, right? You could have taken some steps to have prevented it, and you didn't. Now you have herpes, so you're going to be ostracized and exiled right? No. You live in a civilized world and we don't do that sort of thing. Life goes on, and so will yours. Geez.

As for what you can do to Jack, unless you can prove that he knew he had herpes and that he was purposefully spreading it, the law won't be too much help. Maybe just quit being a victim and buck up.

DEAR SURLY, I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1.

My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.

My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, 'Do you see that 'Cate' is so big-boned and I am so petite?' It hurts, and I don't know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? -- 'CATE' IN OKLAHOMA CITY

CATE, I think she's hinting that she's skinny and you ain't. Hints like that are childish and rude, so when she says them treat her like a child. Maybe you are big-boned, but it's entirely up to you to decided if you're happy that way or if you want to fight it. When she pipes up, thank her for her grasp of the obvious, and send her to her room without supper.

DEAR SURLY: Early this year, my mother went to the curb to collect the empty trash bin and put it away for the week. As she wheeled it behind her home, she slipped on the ice and broke her hip. She lives alone and was in the back of her property where nobody could see or hear her.

Fortunately, she'd had the foresight to grab her cell phone before she went outside. Because she was unable to stand up she could have frozen to death. She called 911 and within minutes an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital.

Mom had surgery to repair the hip and is recovering, but it was a close call. This is a reminder to your readers that if they live alone -- or have parents who do -- to make sure to have a cell phone available at all times. -- RELIEVED SON IN ELKHART, IND.

RELIEVED, Mom is smart. She knew that she might need that phone, and she was ready. If everyone could admit he might need help, there would be lot fewer tragedies.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100505

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN ADOPTS BACHELOR HABITS THE MINUTE HE GETS MARRIED

DEAR SURLY, It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like 'garbage goes into the garbage can' or 'aim for the bowl' by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH

NEWLYWED, I find it odd that you don't mention your age or how long you knew him before you exchanged vows. I have a little insight into Utah, however, so I dare hazard some guesses: young, and not long enough.

Are you sure these habits are newly adopted? He could have had a mother that just cleaned up after him and he's never learned that he has to pee in the bowl. No matter what though, 100 lbs isn't well. It's like having another wee person in your relationship, and too many people often means someone has to leave. First, tell him he's a pig and needs to straighten out, second, he might be ill, so if he needs a doctors help, do what you can.

It won't be easy, but maybe leaving doesn't have to be the ultimate solution.

DEAR SURLY, I have been dating 'Irving' for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.

He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

CAUTIOUS, if you're not willing to drop a bad investment, you're going to lose everything. He wants to control your volume, your weight, and your behavior. I'm no head doctor, but I think you might have a control freak there. If you land this guy, you also get to land the end making your own decisions, maybe having your own friends. Maybe that's a relief to you.

DEAR SURLY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.

Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

MICHELLE, you want your in-laws to relent smoking indoors for a few days a year for the health of your young one? That sounds pretty reasonable. If they are reasonable they should conclude the same, but if they are the not too uncommon unreasonable flavor of in-law, be ready for a knock-down-drag-out. I hope you win.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100503

Commandeered Dear Abby: SISTER FEARS INHERITANCE MAY DOOM DRUG-ADDICTED BROTHER

DEAR SURLY, My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.

Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND

CONFLICTED, the word you are looking for is trust. Not trust in your brother because he's pathological, no I mean as in the financial instrument. Such things can be managed in very strict ways, and make it hard to engage in shady dealings.

DEAR SURLY, I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, 'Sally.' I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.

Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, 'John,' found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.

Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.

THROWN UNDER, monogamy is unnatural. It's something that we do in order to profess our devotion to our chosen mates. Most mates don't adequately appreciate this when they have it. When someone decides to forgo their devotion, then that relationship should, rightfully be ended.

You got stuck in a tough spot, and you screwed it up.

You should have told your friend that an affair isn't cool. Her husband should know that she was unable to fulfill that monogamy she promised. And when the husband called, you should have been able to say "it's not my place to tell you, but I told her to tell you!"

One way or the other, you were entangled with messed up people, and miss them you may, but you can't make them get past their weird response to a convoluted situation.

DEAR SURLY, Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.

Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.

Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS

PROUD, you're too cute. Now teach them to wash dishes or tidy their rooms while the read the TV and I'll throw you a goddamned party.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100429