DEAR SURLY, I'm 17 and have been dating 'Raymond' for two years. The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is. During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face. That really hurt, and I can't get over it.
I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys. Can you please give me some advice? I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head. Are his eyes for me only? -- TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF.
TEEN, you're both always going to be 'attracted' to other people. It's just normal biology. It's really a matter of what you do about it. In this case, it seems you are repressing those attractions in favor of a stable relationship--and that's fine, that's what monogamy is all about.
Nevertheless, it seems your longtime boyfriend may be a smidge controlling. He's comparing you to other potential mates and 'throwing them in your face'. (By the way, if he's literally doing that, he might be jockeying for a threesome.) At the same time, you're not supposed to acknowledge other potential mates--this seems more than a little unfair, and you should address it.
My advise in addressing this imbalance is to dump him. You're just a kid! You need to get out there and try on some other shoes before you run the marathon!
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Russ,' and I have been married 13 years. During that time he has lost more than 15 jobs for various reasons -- tardiness, not performing up to par, etc. I finally was able to convince him to get tested when I noticed he was having difficulty paying attention. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and they said he has an IQ of about 80.
I am working on my doctorate. I hold a job with other wives whose husbands have 'great jobs,' and I sometimes don't know what to say about Russ. He's a good person, very loving and tries his best, but honestly, I do get frustrated and have a little bit of 'husband envy.'
Russ is 50 and we have no children. How do I come to grips with the fact that he may never be a provider? -- CHALLENGED IN NEW YORK
CHALLENGED, most everybody has husband envy from time to time. You're just letting yours get the best of you. When you married, you had to know that Russ wasn't the meatiest taco in the fiesta, but you married him anyway. Maybe you thought is inability to focus was spontaneity, and you liked it. Now you call it something else, and it's not so good.
He won't be a provider. You seem to be able to provide for yourself though, so you don't need him to be. Do you just want him to work so you can be lazy? Not going to happen. Just focus on what you do have, and ether be happy with it, or dump it at the curb and be lonely. Your call.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100612
10 June 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: SOLDIER'S IMAGINATION GETS A WORKOUT WHILE IN THE GYM
DEAR SURLY, I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq. My unit's mission has ended, but we must remain here for the next two months with no real mission to occupy our time. Because of this, I -- along with other soldiers -- spend free time in the gym.
Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.
Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ
CRUEL AND ... well, very USUAL, even little kids know it's not right to stare, so it's not right for you. There is a problem here, and it's you. Trust me, as a fellow gym rat I know your pain. The difference between us, however is, that if I don't want to stare, I don't. Sure I notice the girls, and I notice boys, equipment, plants etc. It's a matter of will.
Personally, I think girls wear those things for one of 3 reasons: 1) they're over heated, 2) they want the attention, or 3) they own nothing else. If it's #1 you have to cut them a break; my grandmother taught me that girls don't sweat--they perspire. If it's #3 then they one time bought those clothes for reason #2. That's still no excuse to stare though.
In fact, if she wants the attention, you don't want to give it to her. If you even play that game, she wins.
DEAR SURLY, My father died six months ago after many years of declining health. He was 87 and had lived a long and rich life. My oldest brother insists we have an annual celebration on my father's birthday at Dad's favorite Chinese restaurant. This isn't how I want to honor my father. He was a simple man who liked working 'behind the scenes.'
Everyone in our large family showed up at the restaurant, and my mother and brother loved all the attention. I do not want to memorialize my father this way, but not participating will create a rift. Should I stay true to myself and honor Dad in my own quiet way, or fake it and go to this annual shindig that is really about my brother? -- MANIPULATED IN MASSACHUSETTS
MANIPULATED, quit pouting. If you think the gathering to too sibling-centric, try to shift the focus back where it belongs. There's nothing wrong with a memorial get together, but trust me, when there are living people attending they will discuss life. While you're alive you'll just have to deal with it.
You can sluff the dinner, but I can't say how your family will react. Sometimes people get touchy when they think you're dissing a dead guy. I suggest going along, and don't let family get under your skin.
DEAR SURLY, After a year together my boyfriend has broken up with me. He's going through a divorce and says that right now is not a good time for us. I'm confused because he has told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He wants to keep in touch and says that maybe, down the road when things are different, we can get back together.
My friends and family think he's using me as a standby so he can live the single life but still have someone waiting on the side. I'm left wondering, does he want to get past his issues or is he just playing games? -- NOT A GAME-PLAYER, PLEASANTON, CALIF.
GAME-PLAYER, you're boyfriend dumped you so he can divorce another woman. You are a game player, and if you can't see that you're already entangled in a mess there's no help for you. Here's the pith though: if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him either. Pack it in, stupid.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100609
Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.
Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ
CRUEL AND ... well, very USUAL, even little kids know it's not right to stare, so it's not right for you. There is a problem here, and it's you. Trust me, as a fellow gym rat I know your pain. The difference between us, however is, that if I don't want to stare, I don't. Sure I notice the girls, and I notice boys, equipment, plants etc. It's a matter of will.
Personally, I think girls wear those things for one of 3 reasons: 1) they're over heated, 2) they want the attention, or 3) they own nothing else. If it's #1 you have to cut them a break; my grandmother taught me that girls don't sweat--they perspire. If it's #3 then they one time bought those clothes for reason #2. That's still no excuse to stare though.
In fact, if she wants the attention, you don't want to give it to her. If you even play that game, she wins.
DEAR SURLY, My father died six months ago after many years of declining health. He was 87 and had lived a long and rich life. My oldest brother insists we have an annual celebration on my father's birthday at Dad's favorite Chinese restaurant. This isn't how I want to honor my father. He was a simple man who liked working 'behind the scenes.'
Everyone in our large family showed up at the restaurant, and my mother and brother loved all the attention. I do not want to memorialize my father this way, but not participating will create a rift. Should I stay true to myself and honor Dad in my own quiet way, or fake it and go to this annual shindig that is really about my brother? -- MANIPULATED IN MASSACHUSETTS
MANIPULATED, quit pouting. If you think the gathering to too sibling-centric, try to shift the focus back where it belongs. There's nothing wrong with a memorial get together, but trust me, when there are living people attending they will discuss life. While you're alive you'll just have to deal with it.
You can sluff the dinner, but I can't say how your family will react. Sometimes people get touchy when they think you're dissing a dead guy. I suggest going along, and don't let family get under your skin.
DEAR SURLY, After a year together my boyfriend has broken up with me. He's going through a divorce and says that right now is not a good time for us. I'm confused because he has told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He wants to keep in touch and says that maybe, down the road when things are different, we can get back together.
My friends and family think he's using me as a standby so he can live the single life but still have someone waiting on the side. I'm left wondering, does he want to get past his issues or is he just playing games? -- NOT A GAME-PLAYER, PLEASANTON, CALIF.
GAME-PLAYER, you're boyfriend dumped you so he can divorce another woman. You are a game player, and if you can't see that you're already entangled in a mess there's no help for you. Here's the pith though: if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him either. Pack it in, stupid.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100609
04 June 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: WOMAN FEARS BEING WATCHED BY GHOSTS OF HER LOVED ONES
DEAR SURLY, I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people's spirits are near us after they die.
Please don't laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don't want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.
Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? -- SPOOKED IN SPOKANE
SPOKANE, you're crazy. Stories of ghosts and spirits are filed under "unexplained" because when all is said and done, they are antidotal or weird things that happen without explanation. We can split atoms and put school-bus sized satellites in space, but we can't find evidence of spirits. You may as well stay up worrying about other things that lack evidence; things like UFOs, the Lock Ness Monster, or honest politicians.
If you can't do it on your own, get help, but you need to get acquainted with reality.
DEAR SURLY, I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn't fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it's the wrong size and ask the person to return it?
I gave my sister an outfit that didn't fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. -- LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, if you'd get the perfect gift the first time, you wouldn't have to worry about it. As is, I say "who cares?!" A gift is supposed to show that you care, and if you do, you shouldn't mind taking it back, but since you got all riled up enough to write a letter, I assume you don't care enough to put it a little effort. It's okay to not care, but in that case you should really just skip the gift altogether.
DEAR SURLY, A friend of more than 40 years, 'Myra,' delivered a letter to my physician outlining her observations of what she claims were 'changes' in me. I was called into my doctor's office to respond.
Myra has also told me I should see a psychiatrist. I am disappointed that a friend would say these things about me, and I don't think she should have contacted my doctor without telling me. I have asked others if they have noticed any dramatic changes in me and no one else has.
Myra may have my best interests at heart, but I am upset about this, to say the least. Am I wrong to feel that she has overstepped her boundaries? -- PERFECTLY FINE IN OHIO
PERFECTLY FINE, there is no difference between what you say and what a person with a brain tumor would say. When the brain goes on the fritz, you can't always tell because your means of measuring your well being are off too. Maybe she should have talked to you first, or maybe she did and you either brushed it off or don't remember. I find that if you have a friend good enough to watch out for you, you shouldn't get upset when they worry a little too much.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100604
Please don't laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don't want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.
Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? -- SPOOKED IN SPOKANE
SPOKANE, you're crazy. Stories of ghosts and spirits are filed under "unexplained" because when all is said and done, they are antidotal or weird things that happen without explanation. We can split atoms and put school-bus sized satellites in space, but we can't find evidence of spirits. You may as well stay up worrying about other things that lack evidence; things like UFOs, the Lock Ness Monster, or honest politicians.
If you can't do it on your own, get help, but you need to get acquainted with reality.
DEAR SURLY, I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn't fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it's the wrong size and ask the person to return it?
I gave my sister an outfit that didn't fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. -- LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
FOUNTAIN VALLEY, if you'd get the perfect gift the first time, you wouldn't have to worry about it. As is, I say "who cares?!" A gift is supposed to show that you care, and if you do, you shouldn't mind taking it back, but since you got all riled up enough to write a letter, I assume you don't care enough to put it a little effort. It's okay to not care, but in that case you should really just skip the gift altogether.
DEAR SURLY, A friend of more than 40 years, 'Myra,' delivered a letter to my physician outlining her observations of what she claims were 'changes' in me. I was called into my doctor's office to respond.
Myra has also told me I should see a psychiatrist. I am disappointed that a friend would say these things about me, and I don't think she should have contacted my doctor without telling me. I have asked others if they have noticed any dramatic changes in me and no one else has.
Myra may have my best interests at heart, but I am upset about this, to say the least. Am I wrong to feel that she has overstepped her boundaries? -- PERFECTLY FINE IN OHIO
PERFECTLY FINE, there is no difference between what you say and what a person with a brain tumor would say. When the brain goes on the fritz, you can't always tell because your means of measuring your well being are off too. Maybe she should have talked to you first, or maybe she did and you either brushed it off or don't remember. I find that if you have a friend good enough to watch out for you, you shouldn't get upset when they worry a little too much.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100604
Commandeered Dear Abby: GOOD MARRIAGE UNDERMINED BY COUPLE'S BAD SEX LIFE
DEAR SURLY, My wife, 'Alana,' and I have been married for 14 years. In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible. In my opinion, it has never been good. As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her. Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don't understand her lack of desire. When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.
I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair. What do you think about this? -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI
TROUBLED, you need to understand that sex isn't about penises and vaginias, it's about brains and mouthes. If you calm up about sex, you're sexually constipated. It sounds like you're in a hard spot, and it won't be easy to pull out of it. If you want to try there are a lot of things you can try; don't be limited by my imagination.
Go to the bookstore, and purchase some Byron and some tantric sex manuals. Put the manual on the bedstand and read to her from Byron. Then go about your normal stuff. See, such thoughts need to ripen. Drop innuendos and hints. Invest in rose petals. Eventually, if you're at all competent, she might show a spark of interest.
DEAR SURLY, I am going to be a sophomore in college next year. I played basketball in high school and was offered a full scholarship to play at the college I attend now. I played ball during my freshman year, and I do not want to do it again next year. My heart is no longer in it.
My biggest fear is letting my parents down. I know having my education paid for has helped them out, but don't I have a right to do what makes me happy? Please help me come up with a way to convince them that I'm making the right decision. -- DROPPING THE BALL IN IOWA
BALL, the heart goes in and out of things. If you have a scholarship though, that's special, and maybe you should stick to it just for that. Who knows, maybe your heart will return, and if not, you had to play some mundane ball for a scholarship--some sacrifice.
DEAR SURLY, I am writing to thank the schoolteachers, librarians and counselors who were kind to me when I was an at-risk child.
My mother was mentally ill, my father was absent, and the school was my haven. I often wish I could tell some of those adults who helped me along the way that I did make it, that I turned out OK, and that I'm so grateful for the little and big ways they intervened in my life.
To all who serve children: Please know that even very small kindnesses give hope and strength to the child who doesn't receive them elsewhere. -- TURNED OUT OK THANKS TO YOU
OK, make sure you do what you can to pay back Karma ... I think the people you're trying to reach would appriciate it almost as much as anyone you manage to help.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100603
I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair. What do you think about this? -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI
TROUBLED, you need to understand that sex isn't about penises and vaginias, it's about brains and mouthes. If you calm up about sex, you're sexually constipated. It sounds like you're in a hard spot, and it won't be easy to pull out of it. If you want to try there are a lot of things you can try; don't be limited by my imagination.
Go to the bookstore, and purchase some Byron and some tantric sex manuals. Put the manual on the bedstand and read to her from Byron. Then go about your normal stuff. See, such thoughts need to ripen. Drop innuendos and hints. Invest in rose petals. Eventually, if you're at all competent, she might show a spark of interest.
DEAR SURLY, I am going to be a sophomore in college next year. I played basketball in high school and was offered a full scholarship to play at the college I attend now. I played ball during my freshman year, and I do not want to do it again next year. My heart is no longer in it.
My biggest fear is letting my parents down. I know having my education paid for has helped them out, but don't I have a right to do what makes me happy? Please help me come up with a way to convince them that I'm making the right decision. -- DROPPING THE BALL IN IOWA
BALL, the heart goes in and out of things. If you have a scholarship though, that's special, and maybe you should stick to it just for that. Who knows, maybe your heart will return, and if not, you had to play some mundane ball for a scholarship--some sacrifice.
DEAR SURLY, I am writing to thank the schoolteachers, librarians and counselors who were kind to me when I was an at-risk child.
My mother was mentally ill, my father was absent, and the school was my haven. I often wish I could tell some of those adults who helped me along the way that I did make it, that I turned out OK, and that I'm so grateful for the little and big ways they intervened in my life.
To all who serve children: Please know that even very small kindnesses give hope and strength to the child who doesn't receive them elsewhere. -- TURNED OUT OK THANKS TO YOU
OK, make sure you do what you can to pay back Karma ... I think the people you're trying to reach would appriciate it almost as much as anyone you manage to help.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100603
03 June 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE CONCEALS LATE HUSBAND'S FEET OF CLAY FOR SAKE OF KIDS
DEAR SURLY, My friends and neighbors thought I had the best husband, and our children thought he was the greatest dad. But on the day he died, I found out he had been having sex with another woman.
I went to visit him in the hospital and overheard the whole thing as he was talking to her. Abby, she was a prostitute. I knew money had been disappearing, but I never imagined anything like this.
Should I go on pretending to my adult children, or tell them the truth? They thought he was the best father in the whole world. Even though this happened more than five years ago, I continue to have nightmares over it. -- STILL HURTING IN BOSTON
HURTING, I'm a believer that the truth will set you free, but in this case the truth serves no greater purpose. If some good would come of airing this dirty laundry, I'd go for it, but it seems too late and all that would happen is that you'd be free of this secret at the cost of everyone else's feelings.
My advice, see a shrink and keep it to yourself. It's best for everyone but you.
DEAR SURLY, I am a 76-year-old father of three sons and grandfather of five. The other night, I was dining out with my brother, one of my sons, his 31-year-old wife, and their two children, ages 5 and 2.
The server was standing next to me and the 5-year-old, poised to take our orders. My daughter-in-law was distracted by the 2-year-old, so I placed my order so the server would not be kept standing there.
My son chastised me for not waiting until his wife placed her order first. Embarrassed, I offered an apology. Was I wrong not to wait for my daughter-in-law to place her order? What would have been the proper thing to do? -- EMBARRASSED IN GARFIELD, N.J.
EMBARRASSED, Emily Post says you should wait upon the lady, but this is the 21st century, and efficiency trumps manners. You were efficient, and the server likely thanks you for it.
DEAR SURLY, The company where I work posted an ad online and at our state unemployment job board for a position that needed to be filled. The ad detailed simple but specific instructions that included asking applicants to write a cover letter to address certain questions. It also said -- in large letters: 'YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR EMPLOYMENT.'
Of the 133 resumes we received, 76 did not contain the information that was requested. These applications were moved to an 'Incomplete' file and not considered for hire. What's sad is that judging by their resumes alone, several of these applicants had the qualifications we were looking for.
With unemployment being what it is, I was surprised that the majority of the applicants did not comply with the simple instructions. Please advise your unemployed readers that a job is out there for them, but they must follow instructions. -- TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, TUMWATER, WASH.
HELPFUL, mundane, pointless directions aren't helpful. If you want to get the right person for the job, you may not want to make applicants jump through bureaucratic hoops. Sure, applicants who can follow mindless instructions is a desirable trait in some environments, but think of how this reflects on you. You're a sod for throwing out good candidates because they don't do as you say. Maybe one day you'll need someone to point out when you're wrong about something ... I mean other than today.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100602
I went to visit him in the hospital and overheard the whole thing as he was talking to her. Abby, she was a prostitute. I knew money had been disappearing, but I never imagined anything like this.
Should I go on pretending to my adult children, or tell them the truth? They thought he was the best father in the whole world. Even though this happened more than five years ago, I continue to have nightmares over it. -- STILL HURTING IN BOSTON
HURTING, I'm a believer that the truth will set you free, but in this case the truth serves no greater purpose. If some good would come of airing this dirty laundry, I'd go for it, but it seems too late and all that would happen is that you'd be free of this secret at the cost of everyone else's feelings.
My advice, see a shrink and keep it to yourself. It's best for everyone but you.
DEAR SURLY, I am a 76-year-old father of three sons and grandfather of five. The other night, I was dining out with my brother, one of my sons, his 31-year-old wife, and their two children, ages 5 and 2.
The server was standing next to me and the 5-year-old, poised to take our orders. My daughter-in-law was distracted by the 2-year-old, so I placed my order so the server would not be kept standing there.
My son chastised me for not waiting until his wife placed her order first. Embarrassed, I offered an apology. Was I wrong not to wait for my daughter-in-law to place her order? What would have been the proper thing to do? -- EMBARRASSED IN GARFIELD, N.J.
EMBARRASSED, Emily Post says you should wait upon the lady, but this is the 21st century, and efficiency trumps manners. You were efficient, and the server likely thanks you for it.
DEAR SURLY, The company where I work posted an ad online and at our state unemployment job board for a position that needed to be filled. The ad detailed simple but specific instructions that included asking applicants to write a cover letter to address certain questions. It also said -- in large letters: 'YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR EMPLOYMENT.'
Of the 133 resumes we received, 76 did not contain the information that was requested. These applications were moved to an 'Incomplete' file and not considered for hire. What's sad is that judging by their resumes alone, several of these applicants had the qualifications we were looking for.
With unemployment being what it is, I was surprised that the majority of the applicants did not comply with the simple instructions. Please advise your unemployed readers that a job is out there for them, but they must follow instructions. -- TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, TUMWATER, WASH.
HELPFUL, mundane, pointless directions aren't helpful. If you want to get the right person for the job, you may not want to make applicants jump through bureaucratic hoops. Sure, applicants who can follow mindless instructions is a desirable trait in some environments, but think of how this reflects on you. You're a sod for throwing out good candidates because they don't do as you say. Maybe one day you'll need someone to point out when you're wrong about something ... I mean other than today.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100602
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