DEAR SURLY, I lost my mom to cancer several months ago. She made my sister and me promise not to let her die in a hospital, but the night of her death we decided to put her in hospice. She needed care 24/7, and although we and Mom's companion were taking turns in shifts, the stress had taken a heavy toll. Mom died three hours after we made our decision.
We also promised to bury her because she didn't want cremation. However, we realized that we couldn't afford the price of a funeral so we convinced Mom to be cremated. Part of it was financial, but also, neither my sister nor I plan to stay here.
Mom had two wishes at the end of her life, and I wasn't able to fulfill either one. She had no life insurance, and the financial responsibilities my sister and I have made it impossible.
Now I'm having second thoughts. Was I wrong? Should you grant your parents their final wishes? I'm seeing a counselor about this, but would like your thoughts. I'm afraid we forced Mom into accepting cremation. Will the guilt ever go away? -- GRIEVING IN LAS VEGAS
GRIEVING, odds are that your mother won't complain at all about her last wishes being unattainable. You were there at the end, and that's the most important thing. Any guilt is yours to carry or discard as you deem fit, but I personally think guilt is a waste of time.
DEAR SURLY, My 69-year-old widowed mother, my younger sister, 'Lia,' and her family, and my husband and I live in different states. Mom is in good health, active and has many friends. In the 25 years Lia and I have been married, Mom has come to stay with me five times. Only twice has she stayed more than two days.
Lia was recently telling me about a visit she'd had from Mom and estimated that Mom had been at their home 200 days over the past 10 years. I had never thought about the disparity before. When I said, half-jokingly, 'Maybe I should be hurt,' Lia responded, 'Mom likes to come here because we have kids and you don't, and she's more entertained.'
I have always asked Mom to stay longer than she does. I even offered to pay her plane fare or drive there to pick her up. Mom always says she's 'too busy.'
I love my mother's company and we have never argued. We have common interests and there's lots to do in my city. I understand her wanting to see her grandchildren. I enjoy them, too, when I visit my sister. But I'm hurt that Mom has never wanted to spend more time with me. I feel like I'm less valued as a daughter because I have no children. Am I silly for being hurt? -- OVERLOOKED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
OVERLOOKED, you're not just silly, you're pathetic. Obviously your location doesn't offer any thrills to her, but she comes out anyway; she comes to visit you. But like if you have family in Casper WY, and more family in Anaheim CA, you might drag yourself into the dreadful doldrums of Wyoming to see your loved ones, but no one would blame you for spending a few more days in Disneyland because it has things to entertain you.
You're Wyoming, and mom's showing you love by coming out at all.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100228
28 February 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: TEEN BEING OFFERED SEX NEEDS A TALK WITH DAD
DEAR SURLY, My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don't think I am ready for that. I also don't know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help -- fast! -- NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA
NOT READY, it's not like getting a driver's license where you have to take a test over and over until you pass. If you feel you're not ready, you're not ready! So far as I can tell, the only real qualifiers are that you feel ready, and you're ready enough to do it responsibly. Since you're not up to even discussing this with your parents, it makes me think that you're not up to insisting on protection. Trust me kid, if you're not up to talking it over with the family, then you're not ready for all of the battles and consequences to come.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Ben,' is a loving, caring, big-hearted and sincere man, but I have a problem with the way he presents himself in public. His clothing is frequently stained, wrinkled and ill-fitting, and he doesn't seem to care. He even wears clothing with holes and rips. Some of his clothes look like they haven't seen a washing machine in weeks because they're so stained.
I have bought Ben new clothes, but most of the time he puts them away and wears his old, beat-up and grubby things. He gets upset and defensive when I bring it up. Other people have commented about the way he looks and, frankly, sometimes I'm embarrassed to be seen with him.
He's a great guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this really bothers me. I don't want him to look like a fashion plate, but neat and clean would be good. Any ideas on how to deal with this? -- DISAPPOINTED WITH DISHEVELED
DISSAPPOINTED, Do you know why he prefers his slightly irregular clothing? Does he love these items, and find your replacements aren't what he wants? If you could find new things that did fit his sense of style, you could maybe get him to part with his lovelies one article at a time, but really the clothes don't make the man, and if he doesn't want to budge don't get your granny panties all in a bunch.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100227
NOT READY, it's not like getting a driver's license where you have to take a test over and over until you pass. If you feel you're not ready, you're not ready! So far as I can tell, the only real qualifiers are that you feel ready, and you're ready enough to do it responsibly. Since you're not up to even discussing this with your parents, it makes me think that you're not up to insisting on protection. Trust me kid, if you're not up to talking it over with the family, then you're not ready for all of the battles and consequences to come.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Ben,' is a loving, caring, big-hearted and sincere man, but I have a problem with the way he presents himself in public. His clothing is frequently stained, wrinkled and ill-fitting, and he doesn't seem to care. He even wears clothing with holes and rips. Some of his clothes look like they haven't seen a washing machine in weeks because they're so stained.
I have bought Ben new clothes, but most of the time he puts them away and wears his old, beat-up and grubby things. He gets upset and defensive when I bring it up. Other people have commented about the way he looks and, frankly, sometimes I'm embarrassed to be seen with him.
He's a great guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this really bothers me. I don't want him to look like a fashion plate, but neat and clean would be good. Any ideas on how to deal with this? -- DISAPPOINTED WITH DISHEVELED
DISSAPPOINTED, Do you know why he prefers his slightly irregular clothing? Does he love these items, and find your replacements aren't what he wants? If you could find new things that did fit his sense of style, you could maybe get him to part with his lovelies one article at a time, but really the clothes don't make the man, and if he doesn't want to budge don't get your granny panties all in a bunch.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100227
26 February 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: HUSBAND IS DOG-TIRED OF BEING IGNORED BY WIFE
DEAR SURLY, I love my wife very much. I like giving her back rubs, massaging her feet, cuddling and kissing her. In return she does the same -- to her dog, 'Barkley.'
Barkley is the only one who benefits from her affections. The dog does nothing for me except allow me to pick up his droppings. What am I missing? -- DOGGONE PUZZLED IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DOGGONE, if you were to give this letter to your wife, one of two things would happen:
1) she'd go off on a litany of things she does for you, and you'd realize your an ungrateful sonuvabitch, or,
2) she'd let you know where you stand compared to the dog. In this case, you need to figure out if you're happy with your place on the totem. You can't do a lot to change her behavior, but you can decide if you want to put up with it.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Brian,' has a terminal illness and only a few months more to live. We have been married four years. I fell out of love with him shortly after our wedding, and now he's sick. I'm his only caregiver.
Abby, sometimes I don't want to do it anymore. He has treated me badly and sometimes I hate him, but I want our 2-year-old daughter to know her father and have good memories. She can tell I'm not myself.
I know Brian has only a little time left, but I also know we would be happier and saner with him gone. I try to keep her away from him as much as I can because he goes off on her, too. I know my husband is angry because he's dying, but he has always been angry and had a bad temper. I try to be positive for our child, but it's difficult when you're being put down or ordered around all the time. What can I do? Just hang in there until it's over? I'm confused, lost, depressed, and I cry all the time. Please help. -- WANTS OUT IN SOUTH CAROLINA
WANTS OUT, he's dying, and you can't live with him. If you want your kid to spend time with him, set up some visits. Maybe your husband is embittered by his situation, but you can't change it. Besides, he's not in a position to be mad at you for long. Sure it's sad, and when he's gone you might feel some guilt, so you need to decide if suffering with him now is better than that future guilt, and from there you'll know what to do.
DEAR SURLY, When I started dating this guy, 'Mitch,' everything was great. We were happy and made each other laugh. After three months, he left me a message saying he had to go out of state for work and would call when he got to where he was going. All I got was silence. Days turned into weeks and eventually into five months. Even though I loved Mitch and he had claimed he loved me, I started to accept that things were over between us.
Just as I was getting over him, he called. He told me he still loves me and is sorry he hurt me. Something does not add up. He doesn't have a cell phone, so there's no way to reach him. When I call him at the number he gave me, he's never there. I care for him, but something is not sitting well. What should I do? -- MYSTIFIED IN BATH, PA.
MYSTIFIED, you need only listen to hear all you need ... it's not in what he's saying. His actions have told you that he doesn't want to be there when you call, but wants you there for his. Fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice head in a vice.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100226
Barkley is the only one who benefits from her affections. The dog does nothing for me except allow me to pick up his droppings. What am I missing? -- DOGGONE PUZZLED IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA
DOGGONE, if you were to give this letter to your wife, one of two things would happen:
1) she'd go off on a litany of things she does for you, and you'd realize your an ungrateful sonuvabitch, or,
2) she'd let you know where you stand compared to the dog. In this case, you need to figure out if you're happy with your place on the totem. You can't do a lot to change her behavior, but you can decide if you want to put up with it.
DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Brian,' has a terminal illness and only a few months more to live. We have been married four years. I fell out of love with him shortly after our wedding, and now he's sick. I'm his only caregiver.
Abby, sometimes I don't want to do it anymore. He has treated me badly and sometimes I hate him, but I want our 2-year-old daughter to know her father and have good memories. She can tell I'm not myself.
I know Brian has only a little time left, but I also know we would be happier and saner with him gone. I try to keep her away from him as much as I can because he goes off on her, too. I know my husband is angry because he's dying, but he has always been angry and had a bad temper. I try to be positive for our child, but it's difficult when you're being put down or ordered around all the time. What can I do? Just hang in there until it's over? I'm confused, lost, depressed, and I cry all the time. Please help. -- WANTS OUT IN SOUTH CAROLINA
WANTS OUT, he's dying, and you can't live with him. If you want your kid to spend time with him, set up some visits. Maybe your husband is embittered by his situation, but you can't change it. Besides, he's not in a position to be mad at you for long. Sure it's sad, and when he's gone you might feel some guilt, so you need to decide if suffering with him now is better than that future guilt, and from there you'll know what to do.
DEAR SURLY, When I started dating this guy, 'Mitch,' everything was great. We were happy and made each other laugh. After three months, he left me a message saying he had to go out of state for work and would call when he got to where he was going. All I got was silence. Days turned into weeks and eventually into five months. Even though I loved Mitch and he had claimed he loved me, I started to accept that things were over between us.
Just as I was getting over him, he called. He told me he still loves me and is sorry he hurt me. Something does not add up. He doesn't have a cell phone, so there's no way to reach him. When I call him at the number he gave me, he's never there. I care for him, but something is not sitting well. What should I do? -- MYSTIFIED IN BATH, PA.
MYSTIFIED, you need only listen to hear all you need ... it's not in what he's saying. His actions have told you that he doesn't want to be there when you call, but wants you there for his. Fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice head in a vice.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100226
25 February 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: WIDOWER'S NEW CONFIDANTE IS RESENTED BY DAUGHTER AND SON
DEAR SURLY, My mother recently passed away. She and Dad were married 52 happy years. Over the years, Mom received a few Christmas cards from 'Linda,' my brother's girlfriend 30 years ago.
Dad found Linda's address and let her know about Mom's passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they're 'only friends' and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom's death.
He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom's grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? -- FALLING APART IN TEXAS
FALLING, I'd like to know just who you think you are that you can tell someone how to grieve? Do you have a definitive resource that dictated exactly how long someone should remain in seclusion before they can make new friends?
As I see it, the only issue is that you miss your mommy and you think that dad is disgracing her memory by having a female friend. New friends, however, don't affect the past, and new women don't banish your memories of mother. It might be tough, but get over it.
DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, 'Lacey.' Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.
I like her and her family, but I'm bothered that she and my husband have a relationship that seems questionable to me and his friends. Lacey texts him daily, to which he quickly responds. They have conversations in our driveway, and they text each other constantly at neighborhood socials even though they're in the same room.
I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it's an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.
Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? -- WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH
WORRIED, for centuries there has been a worldwide practice of apprenticeship. Generally, an older master takes a very young child under his tutelage and mentors the apprentice into a trade. Most of the time these trades have been gender specific, but that makes no matter. Did these relationships lead to mistreatment or abuse? The answer is YES! It happened all the time! Does that mean you're husband in caught in the teeth of a bear trap? Not necessarily, but it's something to keep your eye on.
Your husband and this kid could be a perfectly innocent, mentoring relationship, and that could be good for both of them. Best thing to do would be to get involved yourself involved. Mice play when the cat's away, right? So be the cat, don't be afraid of using claws.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100225
Dad found Linda's address and let her know about Mom's passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they're 'only friends' and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom's death.
He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom's grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? -- FALLING APART IN TEXAS
FALLING, I'd like to know just who you think you are that you can tell someone how to grieve? Do you have a definitive resource that dictated exactly how long someone should remain in seclusion before they can make new friends?
As I see it, the only issue is that you miss your mommy and you think that dad is disgracing her memory by having a female friend. New friends, however, don't affect the past, and new women don't banish your memories of mother. It might be tough, but get over it.
DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, 'Lacey.' Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.
I like her and her family, but I'm bothered that she and my husband have a relationship that seems questionable to me and his friends. Lacey texts him daily, to which he quickly responds. They have conversations in our driveway, and they text each other constantly at neighborhood socials even though they're in the same room.
I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it's an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.
Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? -- WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH
WORRIED, for centuries there has been a worldwide practice of apprenticeship. Generally, an older master takes a very young child under his tutelage and mentors the apprentice into a trade. Most of the time these trades have been gender specific, but that makes no matter. Did these relationships lead to mistreatment or abuse? The answer is YES! It happened all the time! Does that mean you're husband in caught in the teeth of a bear trap? Not necessarily, but it's something to keep your eye on.
Your husband and this kid could be a perfectly innocent, mentoring relationship, and that could be good for both of them. Best thing to do would be to get involved yourself involved. Mice play when the cat's away, right? So be the cat, don't be afraid of using claws.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100225
24 February 2010
Commandeered Dear Abby: 'IN VINO VERITAS' REVEALS PAINFUL TRUTH OF MARRIAGE
DEAR SURLY, The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?
You guessed it. He said, 'Giving up sex with you.' I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.
I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? -- LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY
LOST, it would be a better world if people quit railing against logic. Nevermind the logic that wine will never turn him away because it has a headache, or argue with him about being out too late with the boys. Let's just focus on the logic of asking stupid questions to which you already know the answer.
You knew the answer, but you asked hoping for a comforting lie. Had he answered how you wanted, you still would have known it for a lie. Would that have made you happy?
The issue isn't that your husband likes wine, it's that you have esteem issues that lead you into this minefield in the first place. If you can get over that, however, you may find yourself happier without having to compete with wine.
DEAR SURLY, My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.
She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling 'frisky,' getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, 'Everyone does it.'
I can't believe I'm the only one with this problem. I could really use some 'sound' advice, Abby. -- BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO
BLOWN AWAY, she's right: everybody farts. Maybe your wife's flatulations are louder or more frequent that you are accustomed, but it's not wrong, and you can't do anything about. Either learn to accept nature and quit whining, or find a mate with a colostomy bag.
DEAR SURLY, Our driveway is directly across from our neighbor's dining room window. The only curtain open in their entire house is this one. Since they always sit at this window, they can observe who pulls in and out, what groceries are brought in and how many times we leave.
They make comments like, 'I see you had pizza last night,' or, 'What did you buy at 'Such and Such' store?' This has caused a strain on our relationship with them.
I know they have a right to open whatever curtains they want in their own house, but what about the invasion of our privacy? -- PEEVED BY THE PEEPERS, JOHNSTOWN, PA.
PEEVED, I've heard that good fences make good neighbors. Call a contractor and see how much it would cost to get an 8 foot, solid fence. However, since privacy in our culture is an illusion at best, maybe you could embrace the fact you're watched. Host some sex-toy parties or orgies. Get new friends who are prone to drop by for a few minutes any hour of day. Have hookers come over, and then have them exit though the back so the neighbors never see them leave. It won't stop your peepers, but it prevent them from discussing it with you.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100224
You guessed it. He said, 'Giving up sex with you.' I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.
I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? -- LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY
LOST, it would be a better world if people quit railing against logic. Nevermind the logic that wine will never turn him away because it has a headache, or argue with him about being out too late with the boys. Let's just focus on the logic of asking stupid questions to which you already know the answer.
You knew the answer, but you asked hoping for a comforting lie. Had he answered how you wanted, you still would have known it for a lie. Would that have made you happy?
The issue isn't that your husband likes wine, it's that you have esteem issues that lead you into this minefield in the first place. If you can get over that, however, you may find yourself happier without having to compete with wine.
DEAR SURLY, My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.
She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling 'frisky,' getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, 'Everyone does it.'
I can't believe I'm the only one with this problem. I could really use some 'sound' advice, Abby. -- BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO
BLOWN AWAY, she's right: everybody farts. Maybe your wife's flatulations are louder or more frequent that you are accustomed, but it's not wrong, and you can't do anything about. Either learn to accept nature and quit whining, or find a mate with a colostomy bag.
DEAR SURLY, Our driveway is directly across from our neighbor's dining room window. The only curtain open in their entire house is this one. Since they always sit at this window, they can observe who pulls in and out, what groceries are brought in and how many times we leave.
They make comments like, 'I see you had pizza last night,' or, 'What did you buy at 'Such and Such' store?' This has caused a strain on our relationship with them.
I know they have a right to open whatever curtains they want in their own house, but what about the invasion of our privacy? -- PEEVED BY THE PEEPERS, JOHNSTOWN, PA.
PEEVED, I've heard that good fences make good neighbors. Call a contractor and see how much it would cost to get an 8 foot, solid fence. However, since privacy in our culture is an illusion at best, maybe you could embrace the fact you're watched. Host some sex-toy parties or orgies. Get new friends who are prone to drop by for a few minutes any hour of day. Have hookers come over, and then have them exit though the back so the neighbors never see them leave. It won't stop your peepers, but it prevent them from discussing it with you.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100224
23 February 2010
DEAR SURLY, I am a 29-year-old registered nurse who has never been married. Recently I bought a home, and soon after, an old boyfriend, 'Gary,' started coming around. I was happy about it at first, but he's been staying here at my place for two months now and hasn't paid any rent.
Gary buys his own beer and has brought home a few grocery items from time to time, but nothing to speak of. He had the electricity turned off at his place so his expenses are minimal. He also brought along his cat, but never cleans out her litter box.
He does no housework and comes and goes as he pleases. I do not want him sharing my home without contributing anything. Is there a way to tell him without wrecking our relationship? -- CANADIAN JOAN
DEAR CANADIAN, your relationship is that of a big dirty boot's to a doormat--guess which is you. If you want to persevere that relationship, then you really shouldn't change anything, and with a deal like that you don't have to worry about him leaving ... unless he finds another doormat who puts out.
DEAR SURLY, I'm a freshman in high school who has trouble making friends. My grades are good. I'm learning how to play a musical instrument, and I think I'm a nice guy.
My problem is so many of my schoolmates judge others by their possessions -- cell phones, iPod, laptop, etc. It matters what brand of clothing you wear and how much money you have. If you don't have those things or your parents aren't rich, you're treated as an outcast. Character or talent doesn't matter, apparently -- only money. This has started affecting my self-esteem. What do you advise? -- JUST A NICE GUY IN ARIZONA
NICE GUY, people don't judge you by your possessions. They are just one way inexperienced teen-agers pick out your niche on the social totem pole. If you can't afford to buy your way into a better caste there are alternate ways of gaining a new position. You could start smoking a lot of pot, or you could start dating the mentally unstable members of your class. My recommended method is violence. Next time you overhear a slight/insult/whatever lay down the smack on the verbal offender. Win or loose, people will look at you differently, but I suggest you win.
DEAR SURLY, My wife has been criticizing my table manners ever since our wedding. When we're having dinner, if we're having meatloaf, broccoli and mashed potatoes, I eat all of my meatloaf and then all of my broccoli before starting on the mashed potatoes.
My wife claims it is proper etiquette to rotate one bite of each different food rather than consume all of any one of them before moving on to the next. I have never heard of this rule and neither has anyone else I have asked.
Am I violating a rule of etiquette, or is this something else my wife has 'cooked up'? -- RUMINATING IN RIO RANCHO, N.M.
RUMINATING, I'm not well versed on etiquette, so I asked the nicest, most polite girl I know about this. She replied "that's the stupidest goddamned thing I ever heard!"
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100219 (past date used becuase today's column sucked.)
Gary buys his own beer and has brought home a few grocery items from time to time, but nothing to speak of. He had the electricity turned off at his place so his expenses are minimal. He also brought along his cat, but never cleans out her litter box.
He does no housework and comes and goes as he pleases. I do not want him sharing my home without contributing anything. Is there a way to tell him without wrecking our relationship? -- CANADIAN JOAN
DEAR CANADIAN, your relationship is that of a big dirty boot's to a doormat--guess which is you. If you want to persevere that relationship, then you really shouldn't change anything, and with a deal like that you don't have to worry about him leaving ... unless he finds another doormat who puts out.
DEAR SURLY, I'm a freshman in high school who has trouble making friends. My grades are good. I'm learning how to play a musical instrument, and I think I'm a nice guy.
My problem is so many of my schoolmates judge others by their possessions -- cell phones, iPod, laptop, etc. It matters what brand of clothing you wear and how much money you have. If you don't have those things or your parents aren't rich, you're treated as an outcast. Character or talent doesn't matter, apparently -- only money. This has started affecting my self-esteem. What do you advise? -- JUST A NICE GUY IN ARIZONA
NICE GUY, people don't judge you by your possessions. They are just one way inexperienced teen-agers pick out your niche on the social totem pole. If you can't afford to buy your way into a better caste there are alternate ways of gaining a new position. You could start smoking a lot of pot, or you could start dating the mentally unstable members of your class. My recommended method is violence. Next time you overhear a slight/insult/whatever lay down the smack on the verbal offender. Win or loose, people will look at you differently, but I suggest you win.
DEAR SURLY, My wife has been criticizing my table manners ever since our wedding. When we're having dinner, if we're having meatloaf, broccoli and mashed potatoes, I eat all of my meatloaf and then all of my broccoli before starting on the mashed potatoes.
My wife claims it is proper etiquette to rotate one bite of each different food rather than consume all of any one of them before moving on to the next. I have never heard of this rule and neither has anyone else I have asked.
Am I violating a rule of etiquette, or is this something else my wife has 'cooked up'? -- RUMINATING IN RIO RANCHO, N.M.
RUMINATING, I'm not well versed on etiquette, so I asked the nicest, most polite girl I know about this. She replied "that's the stupidest goddamned thing I ever heard!"
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100219 (past date used becuase today's column sucked.)
22 February 2010
Dear Surly
DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have two children, ages 13 and 6. Our older son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes last year. Because of this, we must carefully watch everything he eats. We're struggling to deal with it, but lately we have other issues we need help with.
We were out one evening and our younger son wanted ice cream. My husband told him he couldn't have any because it would be unfair to his brother. I, in turn, said that it's not fair to punish the younger one. This has become a huge deal for us lately. Can you tell us who is right, and what's the best way to handle this? -- TRYING TO BE FAIR IN HAWAII
You're trying to be fair, and I'm trying to be patient, but they are both unattainable goals. Odds are the six-year-old doesn't need ice cream anyway, but the real question is what the older boy thought of it. Did you ask him? I think next time you should ask him right at the table while you're all there. If he has a spine he might say he'd rather not observe gluttony in which he can't participate, but more likely he'll give the social "I don't mind" then you're off the hook.
DEAR SURLY, My wife and I threw a party for which we hired a bartender, so we could spend more time with our guests.
We figured that, in addition to his hourly rate, we would tip him at the end of the night. Without consulting us, the man placed a plastic cup out for our guests to tip him. My wife was appalled and demanded that he remove it. He actually argued with her, but finally put the tip cup away.
My wife and I asked friends to weigh in on the subject. The men had no problem with the practice, while every woman found it offensive. Were we too harsh? Should a bartender at a private, in-home party be allowed to solicit tips from the guests? -- BAR NONE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
First, I'm against tipping; it's just a big financial circle jerk that would come out a wash if everyone tipped, but one can get ahead by accepting and never giving tips. Secondly, that tip jar is just a proverbial vagabond with his hat out. No one is obligated to tip him, and the only one who should be slighted is the bartender when your friends all realize he's getting paid a good wage for his work and opt not feed the beggar.
As for the gender disparity, since men are trained to buy the drinks, they are just galvanized to the practice.
DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband -- implying that I have been unfaithful.
At first, I took it as a joke. Now I'm wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn't concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER
I suggest you stop reading meanings into what people say. If you feel like she's insulting you, ask her. Should it happen that she says to your face that she thinks you're a tramp, thank her for her forthrightness then have it out. If it comes to fisticuffs, please post pictures online.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100222
We were out one evening and our younger son wanted ice cream. My husband told him he couldn't have any because it would be unfair to his brother. I, in turn, said that it's not fair to punish the younger one. This has become a huge deal for us lately. Can you tell us who is right, and what's the best way to handle this? -- TRYING TO BE FAIR IN HAWAII
You're trying to be fair, and I'm trying to be patient, but they are both unattainable goals. Odds are the six-year-old doesn't need ice cream anyway, but the real question is what the older boy thought of it. Did you ask him? I think next time you should ask him right at the table while you're all there. If he has a spine he might say he'd rather not observe gluttony in which he can't participate, but more likely he'll give the social "I don't mind" then you're off the hook.
DEAR SURLY, My wife and I threw a party for which we hired a bartender, so we could spend more time with our guests.
We figured that, in addition to his hourly rate, we would tip him at the end of the night. Without consulting us, the man placed a plastic cup out for our guests to tip him. My wife was appalled and demanded that he remove it. He actually argued with her, but finally put the tip cup away.
My wife and I asked friends to weigh in on the subject. The men had no problem with the practice, while every woman found it offensive. Were we too harsh? Should a bartender at a private, in-home party be allowed to solicit tips from the guests? -- BAR NONE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
First, I'm against tipping; it's just a big financial circle jerk that would come out a wash if everyone tipped, but one can get ahead by accepting and never giving tips. Secondly, that tip jar is just a proverbial vagabond with his hat out. No one is obligated to tip him, and the only one who should be slighted is the bartender when your friends all realize he's getting paid a good wage for his work and opt not feed the beggar.
As for the gender disparity, since men are trained to buy the drinks, they are just galvanized to the practice.
DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband -- implying that I have been unfaithful.
At first, I took it as a joke. Now I'm wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn't concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER
I suggest you stop reading meanings into what people say. If you feel like she's insulting you, ask her. Should it happen that she says to your face that she thinks you're a tramp, thank her for her forthrightness then have it out. If it comes to fisticuffs, please post pictures online.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100222
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