DEAR SURLY, I have been married for seven years to a man who curses something awful. We have three children, and he curses at them, too, when he's angry. I'm afraid his verbal abuse is destroying our children's self-esteem, and I have asked him repeatedly to stop it. I even threatened to leave if he doesn't clean up his act.
When he swears, it sends shivers up my spine and I get angry. We used to have heated arguments, but I have learned to watch my mouth. I thought he would get the idea if I set an example, but he didn't even notice.
He was in the Navy, and for a long time he blamed his cursing on his time in the military. Well, he has been out for 12 years now and that excuse is a little tired. I have made plans to leave him and will stick with my decision unless he's willing to make a serious effort to control his mouth. In the meantime, what do you suggest I do? I've tried everything -- even prayer. -- READY TO WALK IN VIRGINIA
READY TO WALK, cussing is a form of communication. I find that excessive cussing springs from a mouth with no adequate means of expressing itself. You can do absolutely nothing to change another person's behavior--not even prayer! You can walk, or you could try some things that might make him really realize what he's doing. Next time he takes a tirade on a kid, point out to the kid (with husband in full earshot) that the language is merely a fool's way of expressing frustration, and a small man's way to make other's feel low. Learn from his bad example.
P.S. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that prayer didn't work ... it works for everything else.
DEAR SURLY, I have a delicate problem. My boss's wife wears a very strong perfume. Every time she walks into the office, I get a headache and feel nauseated for hours. I am allergic to perfume, and women do not seem to understand that while they 'think' they smell good, they are really making me sick.
When the boss's wife comes in, I try to stay in my office, but the smell is so overpowering I can't escape. How should I handle this? -- HOLDING MY BREATH IN TALLADEGA, ALA.
HOLDING MY BREATH, toughen up. You might tell your boss that his wife makes you ill. For it, he may speak to her, may fire you, or most likely, do nothing. You could get the message across by seeing her, smiling, pulling a respirator mask out of your drawer, and putting it on in front of her.
DEAR SURLY: I have been dating 'Carolyn' for about a year. We are both in our 50s and have talked about marriage in the future.
Before we met, Carolyn had profiles on two dating sites -- not as a paid member, but just as someone who could look around without being able to send or receive messages.
I have asked her to delete these profiles now that we have reached the one-year mark. She says I shouldn't be concerned, that she's just interested in reading about other peoYle. She insists she wants to be only with me and isn't looking to go out with anyone else.
Abby, this doesn't sit well with me. What do you think? -- EXCLUSIVELY HERS IN PENNSYLVANIA
EXCLUSIVE, I think that voyeurism has supplanted baseball and apple pie as the national pastime. She could very well like that peek into stranger's personal lives. I think that you need to calm down and figure if you're going to marry, this is the type of thing you will have to deal with.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100416
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