DEAR SURLY, I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq. My unit's mission has ended, but we must remain here for the next two months with no real mission to occupy our time. Because of this, I -- along with other soldiers -- spend free time in the gym.
Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.
Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ
CRUEL AND ... well, very USUAL, even little kids know it's not right to stare, so it's not right for you. There is a problem here, and it's you. Trust me, as a fellow gym rat I know your pain. The difference between us, however is, that if I don't want to stare, I don't. Sure I notice the girls, and I notice boys, equipment, plants etc. It's a matter of will.
Personally, I think girls wear those things for one of 3 reasons: 1) they're over heated, 2) they want the attention, or 3) they own nothing else. If it's #1 you have to cut them a break; my grandmother taught me that girls don't sweat--they perspire. If it's #3 then they one time bought those clothes for reason #2. That's still no excuse to stare though.
In fact, if she wants the attention, you don't want to give it to her. If you even play that game, she wins.
DEAR SURLY, My father died six months ago after many years of declining health. He was 87 and had lived a long and rich life. My oldest brother insists we have an annual celebration on my father's birthday at Dad's favorite Chinese restaurant. This isn't how I want to honor my father. He was a simple man who liked working 'behind the scenes.'
Everyone in our large family showed up at the restaurant, and my mother and brother loved all the attention. I do not want to memorialize my father this way, but not participating will create a rift. Should I stay true to myself and honor Dad in my own quiet way, or fake it and go to this annual shindig that is really about my brother? -- MANIPULATED IN MASSACHUSETTS
MANIPULATED, quit pouting. If you think the gathering to too sibling-centric, try to shift the focus back where it belongs. There's nothing wrong with a memorial get together, but trust me, when there are living people attending they will discuss life. While you're alive you'll just have to deal with it.
You can sluff the dinner, but I can't say how your family will react. Sometimes people get touchy when they think you're dissing a dead guy. I suggest going along, and don't let family get under your skin.
DEAR SURLY, After a year together my boyfriend has broken up with me. He's going through a divorce and says that right now is not a good time for us. I'm confused because he has told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
He wants to keep in touch and says that maybe, down the road when things are different, we can get back together.
My friends and family think he's using me as a standby so he can live the single life but still have someone waiting on the side. I'm left wondering, does he want to get past his issues or is he just playing games? -- NOT A GAME-PLAYER, PLEASANTON, CALIF.
GAME-PLAYER, you're boyfriend dumped you so he can divorce another woman. You are a game player, and if you can't see that you're already entangled in a mess there's no help for you. Here's the pith though: if he doesn't want to be with you, then you don't want to be with him either. Pack it in, stupid.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100609
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