HUSBAND ABUSED BY HIS WIFE FINDS FEW RESOURCES FOR MEN

DEAR SURLY, I was a victim of domestic abuse by my wife, and I don't feel I have been treated fairly. There are many programs for abused women, but I haven't found any for men. This problem is more common than people realize, but men are embarrassed to say anything. I'd like my voice to be heard to encourage men to speak up.

I did not hit my wife back after she beat on me. I still love her, but I refuse to be abused any longer. Surly, please help me help myself and others. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS

BILL, some people think that testicles mean you have the social responsiblity to defend yourself. In brief looking I find there are places to supply support to guys in your place such as www.batteredhusbandssupport.com.

Get help, just remember that love isn't everything, and if you have to get out, don't be afraid to do it.

DEAR SURLY, Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.

What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?

If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA

FAIR?!?! You're thinking to give presents to some kids in a household, and withold from others--kids who have no real say in their living arrangements--and you sign as "fair"? Are you an infant?

"Fair" has no home in the real world other than an ideal to which we aspire. If you truly want to be fair, you won't ignore these kids. You don't have to be as lavish as you are with your own grandchildren--not even they would expect that. But recognize them--a card, a little book, something modest that says "hey, you're alright, kid".

Everyone will feel good in the end.

DEAR SURLY, For a lot of reasons--many betrayals among them--I have almost completely lost my faith in the basic goodness of people. I have started isolating myself because I believe that more contact with people will destroy what little belief I have left. I don't want to be so bitter and cynical, and I need help overcoming this. Any advice would be appreciated. -- WOUNDED SOUL IN MINNESOTA

WOUNDED--people have no basic goodness. We're creatures. We eat, sleep, breed, and shit. Most of the people you run accross will me miserable, pathetic sods.

Most--but not all.

Humanity is, and has always been, carried on the shoulders of a special few, and even they sometimes fail.

The trick is not to pin your happiness to someone else. It's not cynical to expect betrayals, failures, and general crap from everyone becasuse sooner or later imperfection visits us all. Be ready for it becuase you can't escape it. Accept it. Sometimes you have to try to forgive it ... as crappy as that sounds.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110622

NATIONAL ANTHEM DESERVES YOUR HAND AND YOUR HEART

DEAR SURLY, I was criticized recently for placing my right hand over my heart while the U.S. flag was flown and 'The Star-Spangled Banner' was being sung. I was told that the hand over the heart is for the Pledge of Allegiance only, when the flag is present. Is that true, and what is the proper procedure? -- ST. LOUIS PATRIOT

PATRIOT, what kind of stupid rednecks are you hanging out with? Who would make it a point to rib a guy over holding his heart during the anthem? First you need to do the American think, and either assault or sue this critic. After that, put your hand where you want it.

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 25-year-old male who, for the most part, has figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm currently working, and I am also considering entering the military to boost my character and resume. I want to eventually become a lawyer so I can help people.

Something that irritates my family is my refusal to date. I suffer from anxiety attacks just at the thought of talking to a woman or asking for a date. My older sister asks me when I will marry, and my dad claims I'd be a great father. How can I get my family to understand that I'm not interested in marriage and children? -- LOVELESS IN THE SOUTHWEST

LOVELESS, your family is pretty narrow minded. They seem to think there's only one 'right' way to live your life. They're wrong. There are, and have been through the ages, many successful men who opted to forgo family in pursuit of other goals. There is nothing wrong with it.

When the family tells you that you'd be a great father, tell them "Thanks, I would be if I decided to do that with my life ... but I have other plans."

DEAR SURLY, My father has been dead for more than 15 years. Any time my mother sees people she hasn't seen since Dad's death, she makes a point of telling them how happy she is now that he's dead! She doesn't care how loudly she declares it or how she says it.

At my son's recent wedding reception, I overheard her having this conversation with my brother-in-law. He made eye contact with me to see if I could hear what she was saying, then shook his head like he couldn't believe what she was saying.

Surly, it's embarrassing that she does this all the time. If I say anything, I know she'll get mad at me. Any suggestions? -- CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE

CAN'T TAKE HER, you can't shut her up. She's happy, and she's going to go cry it on the mountain. Face it, sometimes it's good when the old ball and chain is kicked off. I don't know why she's so happy, but maybe you do. Even if you think she's crass for saying it so loud and often, but you can really only stop going with her, or learn to just ignore her.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110614

MOM THINKS DAUGHTER'S CLOSET DOOR WAS OPENED BY HER MENTOR

DEAR SURLY, My daughter recently told us she is attracted to women. I feel she has been unduly influenced by her mentor/professor at her college, as she quoted this woman several times when she 'came out.'

My daughter has always been quiet and shy. She finds it difficult to make eye contact with anyone. How am I to accept this, especially since I feel her mentor took advantage of the situation? I am finding it difficult to function at all. I love my daughter very much. This just hurts. -- MOM AT A LOSS IN OREGON

MOM AT LOSS, you hurt over this? Really? Imagine that you're a young girl who doesn't fit in, feels like an outcast, a misfit, left out, and like your own parents won't accept you. Then imagine you meet a mentor who makes you feel like you can be yourself, and when you do try to be yourself your jerk mother is like "ooh this is wrong and icky!" You're the jerk parent, and you're trying to blame the mentor.

You need take this professor out of the equation. You're relationship is with your daughter. Deal with her. Don't blame. Listen more than you talk ... maybe you'll learn something.

DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married eight years and have two children. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs, but we always manage to survive the bad times.

My problem is my husband sleeps on the couch 95 percent of the time instead of in our bed. He makes excuses such as he 'fell asleep watching TV,' or 'the kids were sleeping in our bed' -- even when they weren't. He even goes to sleep on the couch after we have had sex.

I don't like sleeping by myself every night, and I have tried to explain how upsetting this is to me. My little girl has even asked why Daddy sleeps on the couch. Any suggestions? -- MISSING MY SNUGGLE, MELBOURNE, FL

MISSING SNUGGLE, there can be many reasons for separate sleep. You need to figure you what makes your husband uncomfortable sleeping with you? Do you snore? Do you complain about his snoring? Do you flail? Have night terrors? Get you husband, ask him what the discomfort is, and be prepared to hear something that you don't want to hear. Only when you identify the real issue can you address.

DEAR SURLY: My darling wife died not long ago. I'm still grieving. Please tell me what to do when women show up as if I'm
available to date. They're not shy. I'm not interested in anyone, especially since my wife just passed away. I am still emotionally attached to her, and I don't want that feeling to fade.

Surly, these women are forward and aggressive. I can't believe how some of them dress. I miss my wife. I truly loved her and continue to do so. I know in time I'll meet someone, but I'm not ready to jump out there because my heart still belongs to my wife. I welcome your advice, Abby. -- HUNTSVILLE WIDOWER

WIDOWER, there are plenty of men out there who want to remarry very quickly after loosing a wife. These women just don't know your readiness and they can't know without asking ... if you were looking and they waited for clues the main clue would be you dating another woman and by then it could be too late.

They're only after you because you're a helluva catch, so remember to be mildly flattered and say, "Thank you, but I'm just not ready."

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110613

CHURCH TEACHER DODGING DATES SHOULD SAY 'NEVER ON SUNDAY'

DEAR SURLY, I am a 48-year-old single male. I teach an adult Sunday school class. Two women who have joined our group have made it plain they would like to have a romantic relationship with me.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'd like to meet someone special, too, but I'm not certain this is the right way. Please advise. -- TROUBLED TEACHER IN THE SOUTH

TROUBLED, what the hell is wrong with you?! If you're spending time in a Sunday school, you will meet people there. Your interactions in that environment will be more in depth and meaningful then any you could muster if, say, you were to meet a stranger in the grocery and try to make a move. Plus, if you're in Sunday school and she/they is in Sunday school you have something in common. Of course this is the right way.

DEAR SURLY, We are a gay couple who have been together for 37 years. We were recently invited to the wedding of a close nephew in San Antonio. The invitation was addressed to us both, and we flew 5,000 miles to attend.

At the ceremony, my partner, 'Alan,' was seated in front with the groom's family. While we were being shown to our seats, I was told by the groom's father, 'Sorry. You can sit somewhere else.' Alan and I were deeply offended.

How should we express our displeasure and prevent this from happening again when the niece marries? Do we have a right to say anything? -- SNUBBED IN HONOLULU

SNUBBED, the Constitution gives you the right to complain. Funny that a family event like a wedding would split your family's seats ... find that father who said you couldn't sit there, and tell him that he's an insensitive prick. Weddings are about bringing family together, right? Don't take no for an answer, and be willing to rearrange chairs if it comes to that.

DEAR SURLY, My wife is a cancer survivor who is doing well. When a friend or relative learns she had cancer, a common response is, 'Yeah, I knew someone who had the same kind of cancer. It was awful. It came back six months later and he/she died an agonizing, terrible death.'

Abby, it's hard to remain polite around such thoughtless, moronic individuals when they blurt out something like this in my wife's presence. I can't imagine the fear she must experience hearing such remarks. Can you offer an effective retort? -- BAFFLED BY THE IGNORANCE

BAFFLED, you oughtn't be baffled. People are idiots. You can't stop them from saying stupid things like this, but you can ridicule them. Say "stories of other people's tragic reoccurrences of cancer are good for our states of mind, you rancid arsehole."

If you're very lucky, stupid people might stop talking to you altogether.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110608

WOMAN WHO WON'T KEEP TRACK OF TIME ISN'T WORTH MAN'S FUTURE

DEAR SURLY, I have been in a seven-year relationship with 'Maddy,' which will probably end soon because she can't seem to stick to any kind of routine. Maddy is in her mid-30s, the youngest in a large family, and grew up without any kind of responsibilities. She's always misplacing and losing things -- watches, cameras, jewelry, etc. Her mail goes unopened and her bills get paid late even though she has plenty of money.

Maddy thinks I'm 'controlling' because I get frustrated when we have to be somewhere at a specified time and she's always late. I think she's selfish to put her needs ahead of everyone else's. There's always an excuse; it's always someone's fault, never hers.

In my line of work, if I have a meeting to attend, I arrive on time. Maddy thinks that unless it's her boss telling her what time to be at a meeting, everything else is when she 'gets to it.' I have planned entire weekends with dinner reservations and events scheduled and let her know what time we need to leave. When the time comes, she's not even packed yet. Worse, she can't understand my irritation. Is this relationship worth saving -- or my sanity? -- LOSING PATIENCE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

LOSING PATIENCE, you have to accept that you can't change this woman. Accept the fact she will always be late, that she will never give a damn about your plans, and that you will always be second to her whims. You've done for seven year, and if you want to put up with seven more, stick with it. If you do though, I suspect your blood-pressure will prevent this from going on longer.

Do you want a tragic break-up or a tragically early death?

DEAR SURLY, I have noticed over the past few decades that fewer and fewer people have heroes (I mean real heroes, not celebrities who are famous for being famous). I'd love to hear from your readers about who their heroes are and why. These heroes should not be family members, but someone outside the family -- a teacher, doctor, artist, writer, mentor, statesperson, etc.

Without positive role models to emulate, it's no wonder the majority of our young people are losing their way. -- ALISON IN ASHLAND, ORE.

ALISON, heroes are hard to come by when we live in a world where heroes are so often seen as human. In some ways it's good to know that even those we admire are fallible, but it can break a young heart when he hears an idol has engaged in something ... torrid. I'm all for heroes, but temper the adulation with warning that these people are indeed people, and prone to human weakness.

Caveat in mind, my heroes include:
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Carl Sagan
Richard Feynman

DEAR SURLY, I need your help with a problem I'm having with my husband, 'Fred.' He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. It is so bad that I'm not even allowed to hold his phone -- even if he is trying to show me a video on it. His laptop is password-protected.

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, 'Because these things are mine.' I feel as if he is hiding something. I know I shouldn't be paranoid, but since he was unfaithful in the past, I have my suspicions. Please let me know what I can do to solve this. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

LEFT OUT, I think you already know the answer to this, but are seeking some reinforcement. I'll reinforce the hell out of it for you. Everyone is entitled to some personal space, and that should be expected and embraced. But this douche has already cheated on you, and his entitlement to personal space should rightly be truncated. He should be willing to show you that he's not repeating his offense.

And if he's not willing to trust you with that you're relationship is already over.

It's a shit deal, I know, but if he's unwilling to make things work you can't make him and you can't make it work on your own.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110606

EXPECTING OLDER MOM GETS UNEXPECTED FAMILY REACTION

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 40-year-old, stay-at-home mom with a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old. Three weeks ago, on my birthday, I found out that I am pregnant. Forty and pregnant --- it is truly a miracle. My husband, who is almost 50, is in complete shock.

He has looked like a ghost since he found out. I finally had an emotional meltdown and told him I don't feel like he's very happy for our unexpected bundle. His reply? 'Sorry, Hon, I'm not!' He thinks he's too old.

My older child has said only one sentence to me since I told her the news: 'You're going to be an old mom.' They feel I have ruined their lives. I feel ... happy. How do I get them to warm up to this new addition to the family? -- OLD MAMA IN WASHINGTON STATE

OLD MAMA, you can't make anyone do anything, including "warm up". Face it: pregnancy is a time of transition and that's tough on some people, but their lives aren't ruined. They may or may get onboard during the pregnancy, and if they don't it'll be hard, but you can do it. If they don't get with you by the time the young 'un is home then you really have a problem, and odds are a cute little guy will win a lot of support.

DEAR SURLY, I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, 'Todd,' is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

My best friend, 'Mavis,' has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? -- NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

BREAK, if everyone is happy, I'm happy for you. If Todd is for for it, however, you will need to be on your guard about the plethora of issues that spouse sharing can invoke, but if you're up for it, then enjoy your vacation ... take a load off.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110601