DEAR SURLY, I was a victim of domestic abuse by my wife, and I don't feel I have been treated fairly. There are many programs for abused women, but I haven't found any for men. This problem is more common than people realize, but men are embarrassed to say anything. I'd like my voice to be heard to encourage men to speak up.
I did not hit my wife back after she beat on me. I still love her, but I refuse to be abused any longer. Surly, please help me help myself and others. -- BILL IN ARKANSAS
BILL, some people think that testicles mean you have the social responsiblity to defend yourself. In brief looking I find there are places to supply support to guys in your place such as www.batteredhusbandssupport.com.
Get help, just remember that love isn't everything, and if you have to get out, don't be afraid to do it.
DEAR SURLY, Our daughter is divorced with two children. She has been dating a man who has three children. Recently, they decided to move in together. All the children are first grade or younger.
What would be the proper way to handle birthdays?
If my daughter and her boyfriend were married, or even engaged, I wouldn't have a problem sending gifts to his children. But since my husband and I hardly know this man (we live in another state and have met him only once or twice), we're not sure how to handle this. Should we just continue to send birthday gifts to our daughter's kids and nothing but cards to his? Or would that look bad? What's the proper thing? -- FAIR-MINDED IN WEST VIRGINIA
FAIR?!?! You're thinking to give presents to some kids in a household, and withold from others--kids who have no real say in their living arrangements--and you sign as "fair"? Are you an infant?
"Fair" has no home in the real world other than an ideal to which we aspire. If you truly want to be fair, you won't ignore these kids. You don't have to be as lavish as you are with your own grandchildren--not even they would expect that. But recognize them--a card, a little book, something modest that says "hey, you're alright, kid".
Everyone will feel good in the end.
DEAR SURLY, For a lot of reasons--many betrayals among them--I have almost completely lost my faith in the basic goodness of people. I have started isolating myself because I believe that more contact with people will destroy what little belief I have left. I don't want to be so bitter and cynical, and I need help overcoming this. Any advice would be appreciated. -- WOUNDED SOUL IN MINNESOTA
WOUNDED--people have no basic goodness. We're creatures. We eat, sleep, breed, and shit. Most of the people you run accross will me miserable, pathetic sods.
Most--but not all.
Humanity is, and has always been, carried on the shoulders of a special few, and even they sometimes fail.
The trick is not to pin your happiness to someone else. It's not cynical to expect betrayals, failures, and general crap from everyone becasuse sooner or later imperfection visits us all. Be ready for it becuase you can't escape it. Accept it. Sometimes you have to try to forgive it ... as crappy as that sounds.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110622
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