DEAR SURLY, I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA
TENTATIVE, please just grow a pair, and quit looking to society for validation. Be intimate, call when you're ready, and tell your partner you're unsure of the etiquette. If you've made a snafu, your partner will either forgive you, or hate you, and if the later he/she is a a waste of your time anyway.
DEAR SURLY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.
She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.
What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.
WORDS FAIL, that's a rough case. Surly's Guide to Manly Sympathy says to offer condolence, then shut up for a bit. If she wants to expound on that she can, and if she to remain silent,
DEAR SURLY, When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.
I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS
AMBIVALENT, your only concern right now should be for the kid. Since it seems you're taken care of, perhaps you want to secure your daughter's financial future so if should you cheat on this wonderful man she won't go without, or maybe you just want the child support for punitive reasons. The real question is why you want your ex-lover to pay up. When you know that, you'll have an idea what to do.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100317
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