Commandeered Dear Abby: DYING MOTHER'S WISHES ARE TURNED INTO DUST

DEAR SURLY, I lost my mom to cancer several months ago. She made my sister and me promise not to let her die in a hospital, but the night of her death we decided to put her in hospice. She needed care 24/7, and although we and Mom's companion were taking turns in shifts, the stress had taken a heavy toll. Mom died three hours after we made our decision.

We also promised to bury her because she didn't want cremation. However, we realized that we couldn't afford the price of a funeral so we convinced Mom to be cremated. Part of it was financial, but also, neither my sister nor I plan to stay here.

Mom had two wishes at the end of her life, and I wasn't able to fulfill either one. She had no life insurance, and the financial responsibilities my sister and I have made it impossible.

Now I'm having second thoughts. Was I wrong? Should you grant your parents their final wishes? I'm seeing a counselor about this, but would like your thoughts. I'm afraid we forced Mom into accepting cremation. Will the guilt ever go away? -- GRIEVING IN LAS VEGAS

GRIEVING, odds are that your mother won't complain at all about her last wishes being unattainable. You were there at the end, and that's the most important thing. Any guilt is yours to carry or discard as you deem fit, but I personally think guilt is a waste of time.

DEAR SURLY, My 69-year-old widowed mother, my younger sister, 'Lia,' and her family, and my husband and I live in different states. Mom is in good health, active and has many friends. In the 25 years Lia and I have been married, Mom has come to stay with me five times. Only twice has she stayed more than two days.

Lia was recently telling me about a visit she'd had from Mom and estimated that Mom had been at their home 200 days over the past 10 years. I had never thought about the disparity before. When I said, half-jokingly, 'Maybe I should be hurt,' Lia responded, 'Mom likes to come here because we have kids and you don't, and she's more entertained.'

I have always asked Mom to stay longer than she does. I even offered to pay her plane fare or drive there to pick her up. Mom always says she's 'too busy.'

I love my mother's company and we have never argued. We have common interests and there's lots to do in my city. I understand her wanting to see her grandchildren. I enjoy them, too, when I visit my sister. But I'm hurt that Mom has never wanted to spend more time with me. I feel like I'm less valued as a daughter because I have no children. Am I silly for being hurt? -- OVERLOOKED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

OVERLOOKED, you're not just silly, you're pathetic. Obviously your location doesn't offer any thrills to her, but she comes out anyway; she comes to visit you. But like if you have family in Casper WY, and more family in Anaheim CA, you might drag yourself into the dreadful doldrums of Wyoming to see your loved ones, but no one would blame you for spending a few more days in Disneyland because it has things to entertain you.

You're Wyoming, and mom's showing you love by coming out at all.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100228