Dear Surly

DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have two children, ages 13 and 6. Our older son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes last year. Because of this, we must carefully watch everything he eats. We're struggling to deal with it, but lately we have other issues we need help with.

We were out one evening and our younger son wanted ice cream. My husband told him he couldn't have any because it would be unfair to his brother. I, in turn, said that it's not fair to punish the younger one. This has become a huge deal for us lately. Can you tell us who is right, and what's the best way to handle this? -- TRYING TO BE FAIR IN HAWAII

You're trying to be fair, and I'm trying to be patient, but they are both unattainable goals. Odds are the six-year-old doesn't need ice cream anyway, but the real question is what the older boy thought of it. Did you ask him? I think next time you should ask him right at the table while you're all there. If he has a spine he might say he'd rather not observe gluttony in which he can't participate, but more likely he'll give the social "I don't mind" then you're off the hook.

DEAR SURLY, My wife and I threw a party for which we hired a bartender, so we could spend more time with our guests.

We figured that, in addition to his hourly rate, we would tip him at the end of the night. Without consulting us, the man placed a plastic cup out for our guests to tip him. My wife was appalled and demanded that he remove it. He actually argued with her, but finally put the tip cup away.

My wife and I asked friends to weigh in on the subject. The men had no problem with the practice, while every woman found it offensive. Were we too harsh? Should a bartender at a private, in-home party be allowed to solicit tips from the guests? -- BAR NONE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

First, I'm against tipping; it's just a big financial circle jerk that would come out a wash if everyone tipped, but one can get ahead by accepting and never giving tips. Secondly, that tip jar is just a proverbial vagabond with his hat out. No one is obligated to tip him, and the only one who should be slighted is the bartender when your friends all realize he's getting paid a good wage for his work and opt not feed the beggar.

As for the gender disparity, since men are trained to buy the drinks, they are just galvanized to the practice.

DEAR SURLY, My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband -- implying that I have been unfaithful.

At first, I took it as a joke. Now I'm wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn't concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER

I suggest you stop reading meanings into what people say. If you feel like she's insulting you, ask her. Should it happen that she says to your face that she thinks you're a tramp, thank her for her forthrightness then have it out. If it comes to fisticuffs, please post pictures online.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100222