Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN'S SHAME OVER INFIDELITY PROMPTS THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

DEAR SURLY, I have been married 19 years to a beautiful, accomplished woman. We have two wonderful children. I fooled around throughout my marriage because I could. I justified it by telling myself the women knew what they were doing, and I never made any false promises about leaving my wife. She suspected a couple of times, but always gave me the benefit of the doubt.

My last affair ended publicly with every gory detail exposed. My family, work, reputation -- everything that mattered to me -- have been destroyed. I can't talk about any of it to a therapist because I am so ashamed. Friends, family and co-workers now shun me. I have hit rock bottom.

If you have a hopeful solution, please share it. Otherwise, please print this as a warning to other men like me that when they hit bottom -- as will surely happen -- there's nowhere to turn. I want to end my life. -- SHATTERED IN LOUISIANA

SHATTERED, suicide might be a good option, because you think it's all about you. You fooled around, things important to you were destroyed, you are ashamed and you hit rock bottom. Are you even capable of thinking about how other people feel? If you were, do they want to see you dead? (Well, some of them probably do, but all of them?)

Listen, you might be a terrible husband, a bad father, and a pathetic human being, but you're not fated to stay that way. You have a chance to be a better person before you die. The question then is, how do you want people to remember you?

DEAR SURLY, My mother and I rarely get along -- mainly because she thinks she's fabulous and I don't. I'm in my 30s, married with a child and have a career. I am tired of riding an emotional roller coaster with Mother.

She is planning her next visit and I don't want her to come. Her visits end up lasting a week or more, and her conversation consists of complaining, making snide comments about my house and how I am raising my child (under the guise of being 'helpful'), and then whining because I don't have the time or desire to entertain or placate her.

Can you tell me how to tell her that visits to my house are no longer welcomed? -- DONE WITH THE DRAMA

DRAMA, that's easy: distance. You can still visit you're mother sometimes, and you kid should see her, but if/when she does come, make some distance. Let her get a hotel, don't spend all day with her. Less time together is less time for her to make jabs. Good fences make for good neighbors the same as a bit of distance makes for manageable families.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100513