Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN

DEAR SURLY, Nine years ago, my sister and I gave birth on the same day. Her daughter lived; my son died the next day.

At my niece's birthday parties my family insists on bringing gifts for my deceased son. My niece opens his gifts and my mother and sister then take them to the cemetery. They also order a special birthday cake for him along with the one for my niece.

I have tried telling them several times that this is confusing to my 6-year-old son, and it depresses my husband and me. My husband refuses to attend any more of my niece's birthday parties until the gifts/cake for our deceased son stop, and I'm about ready to join him.

Are we being 'too uptight,' as my family says, and is this behavior on the part of my family normal? Are we right to ask them to stop? And how do we convey this to them without hurting their feelings again? -- MOURNING MOTHER IN BIG SPRING, TEXAS

MOURNING MOTHER, looking at it from your sister's point of view: her daughter's birthday will always be a reminder of your loss, so she wants to mitigate that somehow. It's pretty normal in some cultures to have gifts and drinks for the deceased, so she mayn't think her idea is weird at all. The thing to do is to just tell her the truth. Something like, "I know you're trying to help, but I think all the fuss just makes it worse for me. Could you please stop the gift tradition?"

She may also use this to deal with some feelings of her own, and she may resist giving it up, but I think that unlikely. If she does, just bow out of the party in the future. Stop by a couple of days early to give your niece a hug, a gift, and "sorry I won't make it to the party."

DEAR SURLY, I can't seem to grow up. I think I may have something similar to a Peter Pan complex. I often fantasize about my childhood. I miss it more than I should. I am a 25-year-old female.

I also do things that people usually do at younger ages. I put stickers all over everything. I like coloring books, and feel comfortable in kids' clothing. I watch youth-oriented TV shows people my age are not interested in.

I'm in college, and try hard to put these things behind me, but it's a constant battle. They stay in the forefront of my mind. With each passing year it gets harder to hide.

My parents think I act this way for attention, but it's embarrassing and I often don't realize that I'm doing something childish. In contrast, my big brother (age 29) is out of college, married and leading a positive, normal life. Do I need help? -- CHILDISH ADULT

CHILDISH, grown up is a state of mind. Some adults are children, and some children have to be adults. Since you seem to have the leisure, enjoy the kid time you have. For most everyone these times ebb, and we only get to visit them a couple of times a year at Disneyland or something.

DEAR SURLY, While in a department store recently, I lost my credit cards, driver's license, important papers and a sizable sum of money. Two employees called me later to say they had found my belongings.

When I returned to the store to pick up my things, I presented the young women with a basket of fruits and chocolate along with my thanks. Some friends told me I was wrong not to reward them with money. Did I do the right thing? -- IN LUCK IN NEW YORK

LUCKY, I think the cash reward was originally a way to keep the dishonest placated. When someone finds a wad of cash, there's always a temptation to keep it. Most honest folk will return your cash to you merely because its the right thing to do. Sometimes there are people who really want/need that money, and it's hard for them to give it up. In those cases a little cash consolation prize will help to reinforce the decision they made.

If the people who returned your wallet weren't sorely tempted, they didn't need or want cash from you. If I returned a wallet to you, no matter the amount therein, I would refuse a reward. I don't know about the folks who returned your stuff, but it seems you made a sincere thanks, and to some people that's better than greenbacks.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100426

Commandeered Dear Abby: BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR DEAD CHILD CAUSE PARENTS PAIN