DEAR SURLY, My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.
Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND
CONFLICTED, the word you are looking for is trust. Not trust in your brother because he's pathological, no I mean as in the financial instrument. Such things can be managed in very strict ways, and make it hard to engage in shady dealings.
DEAR SURLY, I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, 'Sally.' I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.
Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, 'John,' found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.
Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.
THROWN UNDER, monogamy is unnatural. It's something that we do in order to profess our devotion to our chosen mates. Most mates don't adequately appreciate this when they have it. When someone decides to forgo their devotion, then that relationship should, rightfully be ended.
You got stuck in a tough spot, and you screwed it up.
You should have told your friend that an affair isn't cool. Her husband should know that she was unable to fulfill that monogamy she promised. And when the husband called, you should have been able to say "it's not my place to tell you, but I told her to tell you!"
One way or the other, you were entangled with messed up people, and miss them you may, but you can't make them get past their weird response to a convoluted situation.
DEAR SURLY, Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.
Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.
Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS
PROUD, you're too cute. Now teach them to wash dishes or tidy their rooms while the read the TV and I'll throw you a goddamned party.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100429
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