Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS

DEAR SURLY, Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.

I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or 'too sensitive.' He also tells me what to wear.

Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA

BEATEN DOWN, So to sum up: he treats you like crap and you let him. Okay, I'll not take odds that he projects a feeling that it's your fault because you're inadequate somehow, and if you were just better everything will be fine. You can't change his behavior, and nothing you have done seems to help, so do something else. Get out, get help, get drastic. There are whole organizations and a couple of cable TV channels for mistreated women--they're trying to tell you that you don't need to put up with it.

DEAR SURLY, How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.

The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.

He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE

RELATIVE, best thing to do with a thief in your midst is to get him out of your midst. If you disinvite him, and he demands an explanation, then you had better have some compelling reasons for your accusations, but if you feel like you have a good case, it might be a confrontation worth having.

DEAR SURLY, My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.

Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, 'Ask your mom ...' things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE

NOT MOMMY, if you look like a duck and quack like a duck don't bother correcting people when they assume you're a duck.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100428

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE HOLDS HER TONGUE WHILE MAN GIVES A LASHING WITH HIS