Commandeered Dear Abby: GRANDMA'S LATE NIGHTS TAKE THEIR TOLL ON HER GRANDKIDS

DEAR SURLY, My sister 'Carole's' husband died a year ago, and her oldest daughter passed away four months later. Carole now has her daughter's two oldest children, ages 10 and 14.

Carole has been going out with men she meets on the Internet, drinking and partying on weekends and neglecting the kids. The 10-year-old had been receiving psychological help since before her mom died and was on medication, but Carole has dropped all of this help for the child. The girl had been molested by a relative years ago, and now with her mother gone, she's not moving forward in school or in life.

Some of us are willing to take the children from her. She seems not to care what happens to them. She devotes all her attention to the next guy she can be with. She has left the kids alone all night when she was spending the night with men. I'm not supposed to know this, but my adult niece found out from the kids. What can our family do to bring Carole back to earth and help these kids? -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA

CONCERNED, Carole has her own problems, and isn't in a position to help those kids. Don't ask Carole to had them over, take them. Of course, do so legally, and that will take a while. In the meantime make sure there are lines of communications to the kids, and make sure they're getting what you can provide. Also, don't be afraid to fight dirty. When kids are in trouble, you have to fight to win, and to hell with hurt feelings. Go.

DEAR SURLY, My son was killed in a car accident five years ago. His wife, who was pregnant at the time, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months later.

Last month, I received a phone call from a woman we barely know who told me -- very politely -- that she had a 'surprise' for me. She then informed me that I have another grandchild, a little girl! She claims my son got her granddaughter pregnant six years ago, and that she had the DNA checked to prove my son was the father. Needless to say, my wife and I were floored.

Abby, I don't know how to react. My wife, who is level-headed, told me not to react right now and to think things through. Do I go to this grandchild with open arms? It doesn't feel right. The child's mother has not reached out to us at all. I need your help. -- MAN WITH NO PLAN IN NEW YORK

MAN WITH NO PLAN, your wife is wise. Think before reacting. I would purpose conducting your own DNA test to confirm her story, and assuming that it's sound, then why should you deny this kid, who had no part in your son's philandering, access to her grandparents? You should consider meeting her at least. If that's too abrupt, trade some emails first or something, but family is family, no matter how they came to be.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100409