DEAR SURLY, I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, 'Judith,' whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.
I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.
Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.
Judith just e-mailed me telling me to 'have a nice life' because if we were 'truly' friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.
I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.
I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA
HURT, how often does this friend go out to see you? From what I see, you're putting in all the effort, and it's not enough. If someone's not happy to see you on the rare occasion she gets to see you, then she's not a good friend anyway. Consider yourself free of one more demand on your time.
DEAR SURLY, I have been involved with 'Rich' for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.
Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.
Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, 'I don't want my baby around HER,' meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.
I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA
NOT MOVING ON, it hurts because you were stabbed in the back, and you're still chumming around with the assailant and his accomplice. Dumb. Maybe you want to mend things with Rich--some people value that level of loyalty, so I will grant you that, but why the hell are you letting the other woman into your house and life?! Sure, he needs to contribute to the care of the kid, but the handoff could be done without excessive mingling. You need to make boundaries. It won't make you hurt less, but it will give you a little control over your own destiny.
See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100316
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