Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE THINKS STAY-AT-HOME DAD NEEDS TO GET UP AND GO

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to 'Roy' for 27 years. For the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16, while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to this arrangement.

Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his own business or get work, but he never did. He also never made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home, moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think he really wants to anymore.)

Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen. For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to get busy with a career, go back to school, something -- anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no change. Should I leave him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

MISERABLE, you're pretty myopic, and obviously not the only miserable one. Seems to me that he's so deep in a mire he doesn't know how to get out, and your nagging isn't helping. You've told him he should go back to school or work, but have you tried asking him what he wants to do? A little respect from the family can go a long way toward helping a guy find some motivation. Sometimes that's far from enough, and some guys need to go get professional help to get their mojo back. But by all means leave him if "in sickness and in health" was just a pretty phrase devoid of meaning.

DEAR SURLY, When we were younger, my sister 'Kara' and I were sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.

I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child was a result of a one-night stand.

I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluctant to seek counseling? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS

CONFLICTED, you need counseling. 16 year old girls do not submit willingly to the advances of an older, religious leader. They can be forced, coaxed, or even fooled by a predator's experience. You're desire to keep quite is a coping mechanism, but since you wrote the letter, it's obviously not doing all you hope it would. Telling the truth will be a hard transition, but better in the end.

PS Do right by your kid and make the father accept responsibility.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100331