31 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: WIFE THINKS STAY-AT-HOME DAD NEEDS TO GET UP AND GO

DEAR SURLY, I have been married to 'Roy' for 27 years. For the past 14, he has been a stay-at-home dad. He took on the primary job of raising our two kids, now ages 13 and 16, while my career soared. The problem is, we never agreed to this arrangement.

Roy left his job at a critical time out of anger and missed out on some major retraining. He kept saying he'd start his own business or get work, but he never did. He also never made up for the loss in skills. Instead, he stayed home, moped about, and now at 56 would have serious difficulty finding a job in his field if he wanted to. (I don't think he really wants to anymore.)

Roy is not happy or fulfilled being at home and does nothing to get going on anything else. I'm so frustrated with him I can no longer stand it. I'm ashamed that I let this happen. For the last few years I have told him repeatedly he has to get busy with a career, go back to school, something -- anything -- or else. But each deadline I set passes with no change. Should I leave him? -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA


MISERABLE, you're pretty myopic, and obviously not the only miserable one. Seems to me that he's so deep in a mire he doesn't know how to get out, and your nagging isn't helping. You've told him he should go back to school or work, but have you tried asking him what he wants to do? A little respect from the family can go a long way toward helping a guy find some motivation. Sometimes that's far from enough, and some guys need to go get professional help to get their mojo back. But by all means leave him if "in sickness and in health" was just a pretty phrase devoid of meaning.

DEAR SURLY, When we were younger, my sister 'Kara' and I were sexually abused by our pastor. Kara is now in counseling because of this, and she's insisting I do the same.

I told her I have no need for or desire to get therapy, and now she's angry with me. What my sister doesn't know is that I submitted to our pastor willingly. When I became pregnant by him at 16, I lied to my family and told them the child was a result of a one-night stand.

I am no longer involved with this man, although we parted on good terms and he continues to support our child. Should I tell my sister the truth so she'll understand why I am reluctant to seek counseling? -- CONFLICTED IN MASSACHUSETTS


CONFLICTED, you need counseling. 16 year old girls do not submit willingly to the advances of an older, religious leader. They can be forced, coaxed, or even fooled by a predator's experience. You're desire to keep quite is a coping mechanism, but since you wrote the letter, it's obviously not doing all you hope it would. Telling the truth will be a hard transition, but better in the end.

PS Do right by your kid and make the father accept responsibility.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100331

29 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: GOOD GIRL FEELS TEMPTED TO BE JUST A LITTLE BIT BAD

DEAR SURLY, I'm 16 and have grown up religious my whole life. I get good grades and stay out of trouble. A lot of my friends have done crazy things like drinking and partying, but I haven't. Because of this, I have the reputation of being a 'goody-two-shoes.'

I'm not saying it's a bad thing being a good girl, but I don't want to be a goody-two-shoes. Part of me wants to try some of the stuff my friends have been doing, but I don't want to lose my parents' trust. Please help! -- RESTLESS IN OREGON


RESTLESS, by Jove's Beard go out do some crazy! I'll add a caveat, but I implore you to recognize that you're only young once. Mark Twain said "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

The caveat, of course is be a bit responsible about the crazy. If you want to join in the high school orgies, employ protection so you don't have lifelong reminders of it. If you want do some drinking don't overdo it, and for hell's sake don't drive. Enjoy yourself now, but make sure you're not paying for it forever.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter left our small Midwestern town for the West Coast to marry money. At 37, she finally snagged her millionaire. She thought it was going to give her a blank check.

She does live in a lovely home and drives an expensive foreign car, but that's where it ends. Everything is in his name, and her wedding ring is one we gave her, although he paid to remove the stone and have it polished. I told her then to walk away.

They have two children. Her son is a spoiled brat, completely self-absorbed like his dad. Her daughter has learning disabilities and is still at home.

My daughter would never leave him. She loves the lifestyle too much. If she only knew how most of her extended family think of them. I'm embarrassed by it, really.

I just thought your readers should know that marrying money isn't necessarily the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. -- HER MOM IN WISCONSIN


MOM, she chose to forego love in exchange for a bankroll, but now she wants both. Lame. Your daughter has an advantage over those who marry the poor in that money can buy a fair facsimile of love--get a pool boy or a personal trainer ... wink, wink. Not an option for everyone, but your fortunate daughter can afford it.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100327

26 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: MEDIC'S BATTLEFIELD DECISION NOW CONTINUES TO HAUNT HIM

DEAR SURLY, I am a medic in the Middle East. I was out on patrol with some of our guys when we were hit with a mortar attack. More than one guy was wounded.

I ran to the first guy and saw that he was hit. He had a wound I knew he wouldn't be able to survive. He pulled a letter from his pocket, put it in my hands and pushed me away. I tried to apply pressure to his wound to slow the bleeding, but he pushed me away again. It was like he was telling me to go to the next man who needed my attention. Everyone survived except him.

At first, I thought I did the right thing by respecting his wishes to help someone I could save. When I got back and talked to his family, they were angry at me for not trying harder to save his life. When I signed up for this job, I knew I wouldn't be able to save everyone, but I am supposed to try my best no matter who it is I am saving.

Was I wrong by going to another man who I could save? Was it wrong of me to take his letter and leave him after he pushed me away twice? Please tell me what you think. -- DOC IN DISTRESS


DOC, of course they are upset. They lost a family member, and they should feel angry and hurt. You need to not take it personally. You're trained to help who you can help, right? You already know that in your job you have to do everything you can so doubts and second guessing doesn't overwhelm you. In this case you knew you couldn't help him. You helped who you could help. It sucks, and it sucks that you have to get the family's grief about it, but it sounds like you did the only human thing you could, so let them do what they do while they grieve, and don't stop helping who you can.

DEAR SURLY, My father is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. While at a family party, my stepmother started talking about how she and Dad had just visited their friends, the Royal Family in England. I assume she thought she was being funny. My poor father was completely confused, but my stepmother continued on with the charade. We all felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle the situation. The grandkids felt bad for Grandpop.

I recently learned that my stepmother pretended her friend was his daughter. Dad is confused enough without having to be tricked in this manner. My stepmother is a very complex, challenging woman, and I need to handle this matter very carefully. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD ABOUT DAD IN NEW JERSEY


SAD ABOUT DAD, You need to learn how to deliver a proper bitchslap, or if you've got something against violence some sort of verbal equivalent. Why don't you grow a pair and tell her to knock it off? I feel sorry for your dad with Alzheimer's, a depraved wife, and wimpy kid who can't even help him out.

DEAR SURLY, My husband doesn't like his sister. When he drinks beer, he says ugly things about her and starts to cry. When I said she's his only sister and to cut it out, he closed his hands into fists.

I twice tried calling her at 1 a.m., after he fell asleep. Well, our phone bill arrived and her phone number is on it. He's the one who gets the mail, so please answer this in the paper. The bill is due in 10 days. -- PEACEMAKER IN FLORIDA


PEACEMAKER, why the hell would you try to call her when your husband dislikes her so much? Do you know why this resentment exists or are you just being a busybody? Get the bill paid, fess up to your stupid meddling, and butt out.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100326

24 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: FRIENDS THINK CLUMSY WOMAN'S BRUISES ARE EVIDENCE OF ABUSE

DEAR SURLY, I'm a 27-year-old woman who is a 'klutz,' which explains why I often have bruises on my legs and elbows. The other day, while lunching with friends I hadn't seen in a while, one of them brought up the subject of my bruises. (I had rolled up the sleeves of my blouse and was wearing a skirt.)

I laughed and explained how I got them -- running off an elevator before the door had opened all the way, tripping while climbing some stairs, and crashing into the coffee table and nearly breaking my leg. My friends exchanged knowing looks and told me if I ever needed anything -- ANYthing at all -- they were there for me and offered protection!

It became obvious that they think my fiance caused the bruises. I explained that I am often in a hurry and accident-prone. They didn't believe me. They just nodded and said, "Uh-huh ..."

I feel so humiliated. My fiance has never laid a finger on me. I have never had a healthier, more loving relationship, and it hurt that my friends think I'm a victim of domestic abuse.

A birthday get-together is coming soon and I don't feel comfortable going now. I'm worried they may tell others what they "think" may be going on behind closed doors. How do I set the record straight? -- JUST CLUMSY IN AMARILLO


CLUMSY, good friends watch out for you. Don't be humiliated, just accept that they are willing to help, but you don't need it at this time.

DEAR SURLY, I have a horrible secret. I have cheated on my husband with multiple strangers. I have tried to tell him I have an addiction, but he blows me off. When I first met him, I had been with two people. Since our wedding, I have lost count.

I think about sex constantly and often arrange to meet men anonymously many times during the week. I have tried to stop, but I just can't seem to. Believe me, I have tried.

I have attempted to talk to my husband about this so he will listen -- but I'm afraid to estimate how many times I have cheated because I fear he will leave me. Please help me. -- CAN'T STOP DOWN SOUTH


CAN'T STOP, if you can't tell you're husband, tell a theripist. Perferable a female one since I wouldn't want you getting charged $150 an hour to share this secret to an anonymous man.

You will, eventually, have to tell your husband, and he may leave you. If you're getting help, your odds are better, but still dismal.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100324

22 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: HUSBAND'S YOUNG CRUSH LEAVES WIFE FEELING FLAT

DEAR SURLY, My husband, 'Roger' -- 64 and retired -- has a crush on a 25-year-old woman who lives in our small community and who runs a dress shop I frequent. Roger is usually quiet and reserved, but when he sees 'Patti,' he utters loud cries and runs to her side. He examines every detail of her clothing, makeup, etc., and takes her hand and compliments her on her soft skin, her ring or the color of her nail polish.

From the expression on her face and the looks she exchanges with the other women in the shop, it's clear she considers him a pest.

I have spoken up and said, 'Patti must have a grandfather your age,' or, 'There's no fool like an old fool,' but Roger ignores it. My concern is that he's making a fool of himself in public and, by extension, me. I'm so embarrassed, I can no longer walk into my favorite dress shop. Patti is popular. She has many dates and is not interested in Roger. I hate to be pitied by others. What can I do to stop this? -- OLD FOOL'S WIFE IN ALABAMA


OLD FOOL, your husband's behavior doesn't reflect on you! Your behavior does. Okay, so there's a younger woman who causes your introverted husband to attempt social contact. It's a shame that you have to see it, but unless your husband is wealthy there is really no chance of it becoming an affair. (Wealthy men have a different allure.)

Best thing to do: just don't go with him. He's hurting nothing, and you can't change him, so just choose not to be witness to it.

DEAR SURLY, I was recently married, but we had to postpone our honeymoon for a couple of weeks due to weather and the loss of a sitter for my wife's daughter. The day after our wedding, my bride, 'Brenda,' informed me that we had a dinner date the following Monday with another married couple who are friends of hers. I gladly accepted, thinking it would be fun to go out and celebrate since our plans had fallen through.

The day before the dinner I was told that the husband (in the couple) had to work -- so Brenda and his wife would go out to dinner and, if it was OK with me, I would stay home and baby-sit my new stepdaughter. I felt I had no say in the matter, and to keep things positive in this brand-new marriage, I agreed.

I have no problem with Brenda going out alone with her friend, but I did feel slighted. Shouldn't the dinner have been postponed until a time when we were all available? Or should I have accepted this 'girls' night out' with more grace? -- HONEYMOON-DEPRIVED IN KNOXVILLE


DEPRIVED, when you felt like you had no say in the matter, you should have said. Nothing's wrong with the girls going out, and sometimes plans change without notice, so you have to be able to roll with the punches, but if you say nothing then you have no one but yourself to blame for the way you feel.

DEAR SURLY, My wife and I were out to dinner with two other couples who are also good friends. We all enjoyed a couple of bottles of wine during our meal.

When the check came, we split it three ways. However, one of the other couples insisted that we should tip only on the food portion of the bill. I said we should tip on the entire bill, including the cost of the wine. Who was correct? -- PROPERLY SERVED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE


PROPERLY SERVED, tips are for schmucks. In an ideal world, they wouldn't be needed. Since we're far from ideal, you should just tip on the whole cost of the meal and stop trying to parse out things that "don't really count." It's cheap and tactless.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100322

19 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: FAMILY-OWNED BUSINESS PUTS FAMILY FIRST IN TOUGH TIMES

DEAR SURLY, I'm a career woman, working for a family-owned business. Last year was difficult because there have been a number of layoffs and no raises. When I had my annual review, I received an outstanding evaluation but was again told no raise would be forthcoming because business is slow.

I could understand this because of the current economy if the owners of the company weren't taking expensive vacations and buying new luxury cars.

I have a hard time accepting there's no money for raises when they spend so extravagantly. I understand it's not my business how they spend their money, but it's difficult to swallow when I feel so taken advantage of. I'm not the only one here feeling the way I do, and it's beginning to create a hostile environment. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- BITTER IN THE NORTHEAST


BITTER, welcome to capitalism. You work to make money for them, and not the other way around. It's called greed, and it's what makes the world go round. The funny part is that you're upset because your greed ain't getting scratched. In our economy nobody's giving, and there's not much hope that when the money is easier that you'll be given any of it. Company loyalty is only good for the CEO.

DEAR SURLY, My daughter is being married in the fall and she has asked me to be her matron of honor. She has been through a lot, and I have supported her all the way. She says I am the only one who had faith in her, encouraged her and loved her no matter what.

Are moms supposed to be in their daughters' weddings? She doesn't want her dad in the wedding, so this makes it difficult. I am honored that she wants me to be her matron of honor. If her dad isn't in the wedding, should I be in it? I don't want any hard feelings from the other family members, but my daughter is determined to have me as her matron of honor. -- DONNA IN SOUTH CAROLINA


DONNA, it's her wedding, and she can have anyone in it that she wants. If feelings are hurt, support her like you did to get asked to play that part, and let the cards fall where they may.

DEAR SURLY, I am a freelance writer who works from home. I have flexibility when it comes to my work hours, but I decide that on my own terms. I have lost count of the number of times friends and family have asked me to baby-sit, have lunch or go out shopping with them because, according to them, writing isn't 'real work' and working from home means having no fixed hours.

Last week my husband called me from his office and asked me to bring him some documents he had forgotten at home. When I realized it wasn't urgent, I told him no and that he had interrupted my train of thought. He has been sulking for days. Was I wrong?

In this digital age, with more people working from home, it still means adhering to a schedule. Oh, and one more thing -- please remind your readers that writing is very much a REAL job. -- FREELANCE WRITER IN TENNESSEE


FREELANCE, writing is a real job. I commend you for refusing to yield to people's whims. Your work is out of site--they don't see you commuting, sticking to a time clock, or chained to a desk so they assume you're not. It's not your fault they're dumb, so all you can do is educate them.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100319

18 March 2010

Part 4: Eugenisists

Doctor Ellien Bailey was dumbfounded. Her mouth worked silently while she tried to make sense of fragments of a broken reality. Her patient, Samantha, had been visiting regularly for almost 20 years. She was obviously the product of a troubled home. The younger woman had been snared in trouble through her juvenile years, and her adult life was peppered with further entanglements that found her on the wrong side of the law, but she was just the sort of patient Ellien most wanted to help, and over the years, she liked to think that she had indeed, helped Samantha.

But she hadn’t yet come far enough. Not by far. After a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia, they found that Samantha could be productive and avoid trouble so long as she stayed on her medication. Samantha, however, had problems sticking to the regimen. She was prone to bouts of hysterics and sometime violence. Twice she’d been committed, and both times she’d been released once on her medications again.

She was unstable, she wasn’t ready, and Ellien couldn’t believe the rational, softly-spoken girl in front of her didn’t realize that.

Ellien did the only thing that could right her world. She said no.

“What?”

Samantha’s face was innocent confusion, like she really hadn’t thought it possible. Ellien mustered her courage, and said again: “No.

“I can’t. You’re really not prepared to have a child, Samantha, and I can’t in good conscience, give you a prescription for elixir right now. Maybe we can work something out so if you stay on your meds for a certain probationary period ...”

A dark look came over Samantha’s face. “Probationary?! Listen, I know my rights, and you can’t decide if I can have a baby.”

“I know,” Ellien replied, her confidence strengthening with each breath, “I can’t decide for you. But I can decide not to be party to it.

“Listen, Samantha, I think that if you could get into some good habits you could make a fine mother, but right now you know that sometimes you do things that you can’t control and end up regretting. What if you had an incident, and you hurt your child? Could you live with it? I’m not saying this for you, but for your child; I won’t give you elixir until you are healthy and in a good place.”

Samantha glowered as Ellien methodically noted the visit on her tablet, said a pleasant goodbye, and exited the office. She walked away from the examination room with a good feeling, like she’d made a stand that she’d never regret.

Fourteen days later a small horde of lawyers notified her of the impending lawsuit. She was accused of discrimination, alienation of affection, and interfering with parental rights. It was preparation for the suit that robbed her of conviction, after all her own lawyer tended to those details, it was the ravenous media that besieged her life.

#

“Are you a eugenicist, Dr Bailey?”

She blinked calmly. Her observers might mistake her composer for cool calculation, but in reality she merely wanted to keep her thoughts in some semblance of order. “No.”

The plaintiff’s attorney gingerly straightened the seams of his double-breasted silk suit. “Are you qualified to decide who is allowed to procreate?”

Again a frosty, “No.”

“I see,” he huffed. “Yet you refused a prescription of elixir to Ms Samantha Jellico on April third of this year, did you not?”

Ellien remembered her own lawyer’s advice: keep your answers short, but when you’re asked a convoluted question, make sure you’re clear. “I decided that it wasn’t in her best interest to be given a prescription at that time.”

“So you made a decision as to someone else’s reproduction, correct?”

“Not at all,” she replied. “I choose not to play a role in someone else’s reproduction.”

Ellien thought that her reasoned, clear answer would defuse the entire ordeal. Despite her expectations, her opponent’s mouth took on a barely perceptible sinister curl. “As a health care professional, can you cite any physical reason that would make pregnancy or childbearing dangerous to Ms Jellico?”

She’d been warned, coaxed, and almost plead with to refrain from taking the stand. At one point her lawyers uttered the word “forbid”, but Ellien would not hear of it. She’d stepped in, and was not being pushed into a corner by tricks of language. “I know no reason that she couldn’t have a child.”

“Your concern was for complication after childbirth?”

“Yes, Samantha’s been my patient for many years, and I know her history--”

The attorney cut her off, “Ms Jellico’s history is not at issue here.”

A blunt reminder that the judge had given instruction that Samantha’s history was not to be brought up to the jury. Ellien shook her head and tried to reign in her composure, “Her health is at issue, as is her capability to rear a child.”

“You had only just completed a check-up on Ms Jellico, and there is no note of a problem. Do you have concrete evidence to demonstrate that Ms Jellico is incapable of child rearing?”

“Only her pattern of behavior.”

She expected a protest, an uproar, or a censure for daring to speak what she’d been ordered to remain silent about. All she got was a sour look on the attorney’s face, “It is, then a foregone conclusion, then, that she cannot be a good mother?”

“I felt compelled to watch out for the needs of the potential child.”

He folded his arms, “You decided she was not fit to have a child. Therefore aren’t you, despite your distaste for the term, a eugenicist?”

She conceded the game of words. “I suppose I am, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN RUSTY ON RULES OF DATING AFTER 30 YEARS OFF THE MARKET

DEAR SURLY, I am newly single after a 30-year marriage. Would you please explain to me the protocol regarding intimacy? After how many dates is it appropriate to engage in intimacy? And afterward, should the man call the woman or the woman call the man? How long should one wait before calling? I'm afraid if I call too soon I'll appear needy, and if I wait too long to call I'll appear to be a player. -- TENTATIVE TOM IN TAMPA

TENTATIVE, please just grow a pair, and quit looking to society for validation. Be intimate, call when you're ready, and tell your partner you're unsure of the etiquette. If you've made a snafu, your partner will either forgive you, or hate you, and if the later he/she is a a waste of your time anyway.

DEAR SURLY: I recently experienced an awkward situation. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about four years. The last time I saw her she was pregnant. I asked about her baby, and she informed me that he had died a few months after his birth.

She clearly found the memory sad, but at the same time had moved on. I didn't want to force her to re-experience the event by asking her what happened, but it seemed rude to abruptly change the subject to some minor matter after such sobering news.

What is the polite thing to say when someone tells you about a tragedy, but long after it happened? -- WORDS FAIL ME, PEKIN, ILL.


WORDS FAIL, that's a rough case. Surly's Guide to Manly Sympathy says to offer condolence, then shut up for a bit. If she wants to expound on that she can, and if she to remain silent,

DEAR SURLY, When I was married I had an affair with a married man. We had a child together, and I divorced my husband. When the affair ended, child support was never mentioned, and for the last nine years I have raised my daughter by myself.

I am recently married to a wonderful man who takes care of both of us very well. My daughter has never asked anything about her father, but I know down the road she'll want to know what happened. I don't know when I should talk to her about this, and if I should take any legal steps to claim child support. Part of me feels that I should go for it; part of me is saying I should just let it go. Your thoughts, please? -- AMBIVALENT IN PLANO, TEXAS


AMBIVALENT, your only concern right now should be for the kid. Since it seems you're taken care of, perhaps you want to secure your daughter's financial future so if should you cheat on this wonderful man she won't go without, or maybe you just want the child support for punitive reasons. The real question is why you want your ex-lover to pay up. When you know that, you'll have an idea what to do.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100317

16 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: TRIPS HOME FILL WITH FAMILY, LEAVING LITTLE TIME FOR FRIEND

DEAR SURLY, I return to my hometown at least twice a year to visit my large extended family. When I do, I have tried to make time for my oldest friend, 'Judith,' whom I have known since kindergarten. In the past we have gotten together for a few hours here and there -- for dinner, coffee or whatever. She's great company, and we have fun together.

I'd like to spend more time with Judith, but Mom and Dad are close to 90 and there are many other relatives on my and my husband's side to see, which takes up most of our time.

Years ago, we tried to see all our friends, but more recently we have limited it to Judith and her husband and occasionally include a mutual friend.

Judith just e-mailed me telling me to 'have a nice life' because if we were 'truly' friends, I'd make more time with her. She won't reply to my e-mails or return my calls.

I respect her feelings, but feel pressured by the time constraints of our brief visits home. Judith has no children, a single brother and a married brother with whom she recently reunited.

I feel like I have committed some kind of crime. I think if she was a true friend, she'd understand my predicament. Please help. -- DEEPLY HURT IN ARIZONA


HURT, how often does this friend go out to see you? From what I see, you're putting in all the effort, and it's not enough. If someone's not happy to see you on the rare occasion she gets to see you, then she's not a good friend anyway. Consider yourself free of one more demand on your time.

DEAR SURLY, I have been involved with 'Rich' for 4 1/2 years. We are now engaged. In the beginning, everything was great. What I didn't know was that Rich had a baby on the way. I learned about it from a young woman who knocked on our door nine months later.

Rich said he was sorry and that he'd handle it. I knew the situation would be hard to accept, but suppressed my feelings like I always do instead of being honest about it.

Now this woman comes over whenever she wants. If she's angry about something, she'll say, 'I don't want my baby around HER,' meaning me. She has friends who work with me, and she has spread lies about me there. She has also called my house on several occasions and has been rude and nasty.

I have tried to deal with this, but Rich's infidelity and his having a child with another woman still hurts like it happened yesterday -- and the child is now 3. Can you help me? -- NOT MOVING ON IN VIRGINIA


NOT MOVING ON, it hurts because you were stabbed in the back, and you're still chumming around with the assailant and his accomplice. Dumb. Maybe you want to mend things with Rich--some people value that level of loyalty, so I will grant you that, but why the hell are you letting the other woman into your house and life?! Sure, he needs to contribute to the care of the kid, but the handoff could be done without excessive mingling. You need to make boundaries. It won't make you hurt less, but it will give you a little control over your own destiny.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100316

15 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: AUNT'S 'ORGAN RECITAL' DROWNS OUT DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION

DEAR SURLY, Last night, I attended an elegant dinner party at the home of a friend. She served a delicious meal on a table set with crystal, bone china, silver and a low centerpiece of fresh flowers. Everything was perfection -- with one exception. As soon as we were seated, our hostess's elderly Aunt 'Ethel' began talking about her health, with graphic details of every symptom, every allergy and every pain she had ever endured.

Other guests tried changing the subject several times, but Aunt Ethel evidently believed she was being entertaining. Among those at the table were a lawyer, a teacher and a friend who had recently returned from living several years in Africa. Each had more to contribute in the way of conversation. But not one got the opportunity to speak more than a few words before Aunt Ethel was reminded of yet another ailment she 'knew' we'd find interesting.

How does one handle an awkward situation like this? In spite of her age, the woman is essentially in good health and ours is a small town. She'll probably be present at many more dinners. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE


FRUSTRATED, isn't there always someone who tries to dominate conversation? The traditional thing to do is to find the 2nd least interesting member of the party (in this case you) and throw him under the proverbial bus--he get's to distract Ethel while the grown-ups talk. Of course, you could let her prattle and regret it, or you could tell her, "I'm sorry, I wanted to hear what this other dude was saying so please shut the fuck up."

DEAR SURLY, When my husband, 'Vic,' and I met, we discussed having children. Although he is 25 years my senior, he was in accord with my desire to have kids. He even said we should have them right away because he is so much older.

I have had reproductive issues in the past, so before we married I went through several tests to verify that I could conceive a child. Three months after the wedding, Vic told me he had 'changed his mind' and no longer wants a child. (He has one from a previous relationship.) When I told him how upset his decision made me, he said he would be 'dying soon' and then I'll be able to have all the children I want.

I'm not sure where things should go from here. I feel Vic lied to me and never intended to have another child. Aside from this issue and a few others, he's a good husband. He would be there for me until one of us dies, but I don't know if I can settle for that. Vic refuses counseling, and when I told him I was going to go alone, he made me feel like it was the dumbest idea ever. Please help. -- LONGS FOR MOTHERHOOD IN LOUISIANA


MOTHERHOOD, yours is not the first man to vacillate on the topic of fatherhood, and his expression of his current stand on the matter doesn't make him a liar, deceiver, or con. The "dying soon" means that you're free to have all the kids you want, he just doesn't want to be involved.

If you're in you childbearing years, and he's 25 years year senior, there would have to be something already wrong with him to be dying "soon". Maybe this is a subtle way of saying something more, and in that case, go kick him until he spills what's really going on.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100315

12 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: CO-WORKER WANTS HER CAKE -- AND SOME FOR HER FAMILY, TOO

DEAR SURLY, I work in an office where folks sometimes bring in birthday cakes, desserts and other goodies to share. 'Dolores' is always the first in line, and helps herself to a large portion of the treats and says she's taking some home for her family.

Last week, someone brought in an exotic dessert and I got out the dessert-sized paper plates. Dolores took out two regular-sized paper plates and cut off a quarter of the entire dessert! No one could believe it, but we didn't know what to say or do. One time, she actually cut a huge portion of someone's birthday cake to take home before the 'birthday boy' even got a slice. This woman is not poor. What do you recommend? -- 'DESSERTED' IN TENNESSEE


DESSERTED, I recommend that you tell her she's a pig. She's using her social miasma to bully you all and take a bigger cut of the trough, and she'll continue to do so until someone calls her out. So you can either ration your work sweets or you can grow a spine.

DEAR SURLY: When I take my children to the pediatrician, we are usually there for one reason -- flu-like symptoms, stomachache, etc. Sometimes my child will happen to have another ailment, like a sore ankle or a fever blister.

I don't feel comfortable bringing up additional issues with our doctor because when I do, I get the 'evil eye' from him -- like he's only there to help with the one reason for our visit.

Is it appropriate to talk to the doctor about several medical problems in one visit, or only stick to the issue at hand? -- IN A QUANDARY, KETTERING, OHIO


QUANDARY, who's paying whom here? You're the client, and you're in charge. It's funny that you let him manipulate you with a little glare. If you do hash it out with him, he may resent you for culling his laziness, so if it comes to a verbal spar, it may behoove you to seek a new physician. When or if that happens, you might want to get on all those "rate your doctor" websites, and warn off other people who might be shopping for healthcare.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100312

11 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: GIRL'S ARRIVAL TURNS DRINKS FOR TWO INTO PARTY OF THREE

DEAR SURLY, Last week I suggested to a co-worker, 'Zack,' that I treat him to a beer after work. Before our pints arrived, he disappeared to a corner of the pub to text on his phone, and 10 minutes later his girlfriend showed up. Her being there obligated me to buy her a drink, and it derailed the work-related discussion I had initially had in mind.

The following Monday, I mentioned to Zack that he should have asked me first if it was OK to bring someone else. He was none too pleased to hear that I thought his behavior was rude. How far off base was I? I'll bow to your opinion. -- WONDERING IN WESTMOUNT, CANADA


WONDERING, he's a ass. Maybe he guessed he was in for a discussion, maybe he wanted to mooch, or maybe he's just dumber than a hillbilly in a strip club and didn't think at all. You could have easily, however, asked said girlfriend to excuse you two for a few minutes, discussed your work, and left once the deal was done. By failing to stand up for yourself you're now branded as a doormat who buys beer.

DEAR SURLY, My 12-year-old daughter, 'Jenna,' is in the closet -- literally. About a week ago, she moved into her closet. She put her dresser in there, threw some blankets on the floor and that's where she hangs out now. When asked why she doesn't hang out in her room, she says, 'I just like it in the closet.'

Some of her girlfriends claim to be bisexual or gay. Is she telling me that she's 'in the closet' or is she messing with my mind? Some of her friends are into cutting, and Jenna seems to be curious about it. I don't know what to make of any of this. Any advice? -- CONCERNED IN HOUSTON


CONCERNED, she's a KID! Kids do weird stuff for unfathomable reasons. Maybe it's fun like having a fort, or maybe she thinks her room is too big, ventilated or bright. Maybe it is one of those weird kid ways of trying to tell you something, but if you don't get it she'll just gripe to her friends and find another means to communicate. Seems like there's more than one person in your family who needs to grow up.

DEAR SURLY, I have an 11-year-old son who has started having issues with lying -- nothing important, just little things like did he do his chores or brush his teeth.

I also have an alcoholic husband who says and does things he doesn't remember later. When I get conflicting stories from the two of them, I don't know whom to believe.

Don't suggest I leave my husband. It's not financially feasible right now, though it is something I am looking into. -- WHOM DO I BELIEVE IN CALIFORNIA


WHOM DO I BELIEVE, I don't believe you! All kids will go though a lying phase; it's just a way to test their boundries. The problem comes when he learns that lies pay off. Don't delude yourself into thinking that lying doesn't pay--it does. That's why people do it. The only hope you have is to show him the downside. Ask things that can be quantified and/or tested, and call him out when stories mismatch the facts. And try to quit lying to yourself, it's a bad example.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100311

10 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: HAPPY FAMILY LIFE SEEMS TO BE BEYOND GRASP OF CAREER WOMAN

DEAR SURLY, I'm 27 and in a three-year-long relationship that has been slowly falling apart. A year before it began, I ended a two-year union with another guy. While the two men are completely different, both relationships ended for similar reasons.

I am a successful, independent woman. Apparently, this made each one feel like less of a man. While I'm told my qualities are part of the reason I'm attractive, men want to 'prove themselves' before they commit to marriage. Things usually fall apart when their career plans shift and they feel like they're starting over. I try to be supportive, but nothing works. They begin resenting me for everything I have accomplished.

I am on a path to achieve everything I can before I scale back to have children and put my family first. I have two master's degrees. I'm working on my license in a traditionally male profession. I'm on the board of directors of several nonprofits. I own my own home. But I'm beginning to be afraid I'll never have the family life I have always wanted. Should I resign myself to the fact that I can't have it all? -- SUCCESSFUL ... ON PAPER, CHARLOTTE, N.C.


SUCCESSFUL, you've got it all and want a little bit more. Good for you. I don't know what kind of insecure men you're meeting, but if he has something to prove, he's got an ego problem and you don't need him. Maybe when you're ready to make a priority of your relationships you can go out and meet a better class of meat.

DEAR SURLY, My friend, 'Gail,' is estranged from her family and has no significant other. She is always trying to improve herself. She works out at a gym daily and has spent a fortune on plastic surgery.

People have told me that Gail's laugh is loud and embarrassing. Abby, it's not just her laugh that's grating, but her speaking voice is equally unpleasant. She is so loud that she has been asked to 'lower the volume' in restaurants.

How can I tell her that her money would be better spent on voice lessons? -- SOUNDING OFF IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.


SOUNDING OFF, it sounds like your friend flunked out of finishing school, but just because you find something grating doesn't make it universally annoying. If she's boisterous she needs only find a friend that will appreciate her for what she is. Sure, you can tell her that you think some polish of her mannerisms might increase her appeal, but really, if you don't like her the way she is, you're a lousy friend.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100307

08 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN STOPPED KEEPING HOUSE THE MINUTE HE GOT MARRIED

DEAR SURLY, When I first met my husband of two years, 'Phil,' he owned his own home, kept it spotless and his yard neat, prepared his own meals and did his laundry. Those qualities made him stand out from the many spoiled 'Mama's boys' I had dated in the past.

Now that we're married it's like he has amnesia. He has 'forgotten' how to operate the washing machine, scrub a toilet or wash a dish. He hasn't cleaned the bathroom once since our wedding, washes only one load of laundry a week (his own work uniforms) and performs other domestic tasks only if I ask repeatedly. I don't enjoy nagging him.

I teach school and attend graduate school at night, so I'm just as exhausted at the end of the day as he is, even though his labor is more physical. I know this problem is nothing new, but I am hoping you can offer some insight or advice. Why do so many men feel entitled to flop on the couch every night and expect us women to trudge through the housework into the wee hours? -- NOT THE MAID IN SOUTH CAROLINA


NOT THE MAID, There's a lot of drama in "amnesia", and excess drama makes me suspicious. Can he really shirk all work, or does he just not work up to your expectations? You could site down together and hash out a list of chores for each of you, and if he agrees to the list and takes care of the chores, then it was just a misunderstanding of expectations. If still doesn't do them, then you know he's being lazy, but what can you do about that? You might be happier having something to complain about, but you can't change someone's behavior.

DEAR SURLY, I'm worried about my 14-year-old granddaughter. She's a good soccer player and frequently 'heads' the soccer ball. I think this could be harmful to her brain.

I have spoken to two coaches about it; they say I shouldn't worry. But I saw on the Internet that chronic traumatic brain injury has occurred in soccer and football players. What do you think? Should I pursue this concern? -- GRANDMA AND NURSE IN HOUSTON


GRANDMA, everyone has brain-damage, and it's unlikely that soccer will make a kid into the village idiot. You just have to accept that there's some risk in all sport, and remember the things you used to hit with your head ... if you can.

DEAR SURLY, I have been infatuated with a co-worker for more than a year. The problem is, he knows it and is reluctant to become more involved because we work together. We flirt constantly. We're good friends and talk almost daily about things that go way beyond work.

Everyone here knows we have a thing for each other. How do I cross over without risking our friendship? We're both single and unattached. -- INFATUATED IN DOWNEY, CALIF.


INFATUATED, you can't cross by yourself ... you have to meet in the middle. If the object of your infatuation isn't keen on that, you can't do much. You might entice him if you understand what hinders him now. Is he career minded, and fears your liaison might make him look less in his manager's eyes? If so, you need to make him choose between the job and you. If you get him fired, that choice becomes a lot easier, right?

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100308

05 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN'S INNER BEAUTY IS MASKED BY SCARY MOLE ON HIS BACK

DEAR SURLY, I have been dating a guy who is wonderful, caring -- everything a woman would want. There's just one problem. When he takes off his shirt, he has an extremely ugly mole. It looks suspicious and is irregularly shaped. I can't stand looking at it, but my eyes are drawn to it like to a car wreck. To top it off, it has hair growing out of it.

I know he probably pays no attention to it because it's on his back. But I see it staring back at me. How do you tell a loving and caring man that you're turned off by his scary mole? -- GROSSED OUT IN OKLAHOMA CITY


GROSSED OUT, you're a shallow, self-absored bitch. If he's a great guy but you have a hang-up on his surface, he's too good for you--with one caveat: suspicious looking? If the blemish is sinister, and he's not have it looked at by a doctor, he should. Not for your squeamishness. It's all about his health. Maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll need to have it removed.

DEAR SURLY, It's tax season, and once again, my husband and I are faced with our annual 'conflict.' We buy a tax program for our computer and do our own taxes. Every year, one of our daughters has my husband do her taxes. After he completes them, he returns the forms so she and her husband can sign them. The problem is, they never pay the taxes they owe.

My daughter and son-in-law owe thousands of dollars, and I know they risk being audited by the IRS. If that happens, I am sure the kids will say that my husband actually did the taxes, which could draw us into their problem. It might even target us to be audited. I don't want to be dragged into this potential problem. My husband thinks I'm being silly and borrowing trouble unnecessarily. What do you think? -- HONEST TAXPAYER IN WISCONSIN


HONEST, You have to think of the IRS like they're thugs because they are thugs. They don't care who filled in or filed papers. They only care that they get their money. If their money is withheld, do they make nice with the debtor and find the guy who filled in papers?

DEAR SURLY, I am a 48-year-old divorced man who has been dating a divorcee for five years. Last night I asked her to marry me, only to be told she was not ready and afraid of being hurt again.

Should I stay in this relationship, or stop seeing her and try to start another relationship? I'm afraid that staying in this one much longer will prevent me from finding someone else who would marry me. -- REJECTED AND DEJECTED IN OHIO


REJECTED, if your only goal is the get hitched you should move on. If you wanted to marry her because you're happy with what you have and wanted a bit more, then more isn't in the cards right now. If your still happy with what you got then you have something that makes you happy and you're an idiot for thinking to walk away.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100305

04 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: MAN TELLS LITTLE WHITE LIE ABOUT THE LITTLE BLUE PILL

DEAR SURLY, I am a 76-year-old man who is romantically involved with a 65-year-old lady. She knows I take Viagra. I recently had to go out of town for a week. Before I left, she demanded that I give her my bottle of Viagra. She said she would return it as soon as I got back.

What I did not tell my lady friend is that I don't always need Viagra to 'perform.' Should I remain silent and let her believe that without the little blue pill I'll be forced to remain faithful?

Honesty is the best long-term policy, but is there a limit to just 'how' honest one should be? -- A VITAL MAN IN ARKANSAS


VITAL, first of all, congratulations on your vitality. Secondly, the problem isn't with your omission. What kind of person would want to take away your erection while you travel? With a trust issue like that, you're in trouble whether or not you go with full disclosure.

DEAR SURLY, As a child, it was painfully obvious that my mother favored my brother, 'Clint,' over me. Everything he did was considered perfect and was bragged about. Because I was a girl, I was expected to step and fetch for him. To this day, my opinions hold no weight against those of my brother. I have always been hurt by this, but I have lived with it.

Clint moved 3,000 miles away years ago. I am the one caring for Mom, although Clint contributes financial assistance. When he and his family came to visit for a week, my daughter asked me why Grandma respects and is prouder of Clint's children -- all boys -- than of her.

How do I keep my daughter from feeling resentful, and what should I tell her? -- LESS VALUED IN GREENVILLE, S.C.


VALUED, teach your daughter the word "bigot", and then explain how it relates to race, religion, creed, color, and gender, then mention your mother is one.

DEAR SURLY, My husband's aunt was gorgeous when she was young. At 90, obviously her appearance has changed. After many illnesses, her looks have faded.

When she shows me pictures of herself in her youth, it's obvious she wants a response, but 'you were beautiful' seems cruel, pointing out that she is no longer. To pretend she still is would be disingenuous.

I have been in this situation with other elderly people. What is a complimentary and sincere comment at these times? -- REALIST IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA


REALIST, I too consider myself a realist, and very pragmatic. Therefore if the woman is fishing for an honest compliment, and it costs you little to no effort to pan out an make her happy, why the hell not? It's not like she's unaware her bloom has faded.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100303

Commandeered Dear Abby: GOING TO THE GYM BECOMES EXERCISE IN EMBARRASSMENT

DEAR SURLY, I just joined a gym, and I love everything about it except for one thing -- the ladies' locker room.

I am modest so I use the private changing rooms when getting dressed. There are some women who feel very comfortable walking around in various stages of undress. Not only are they naked, they don't think twice about bending over to get into their lockers, or standing topless while blow-drying their hair.

In a place full of mirrors, seeing all this is difficult to avoid. I don't want to stop using the locker room because it's convenient. Is there anything I can do, or must I put up with the peep shows? -- MISS MODESTY IN PRINCETON, N.J.


MISS MODESTY, do you know you're kind of a prude? You could choose to avert your gaze, but even that's pretty sad. We're all naked sometimes and it's okay. There's nothing wrong with the human body, so my advice is buck up and accept nudity is a part of life. That doesn't mean that you have to look and examine, but you don't have to judge either.

DEAR SURLY, I am stationed in Iraq. My husband is home taking care of our two teenagers -- a 16-year-old boy and a 14-year-old girl.

My daughter has had several sleepovers at her friends'. On two separate occasions, the mothers allowed the girls to dye their hair. They did this without first consulting my husband.

Am I old-fashioned, or isn't this something a parent should decide for a 14-year-old? Did the other parents think that it was OK since I wasn't home to disapprove?

My husband is doing an excellent job of parenting while I am deployed, and he would never have allowed her to dye her hair. How should we handle this type of situation? -- MOM ON DUTY IN IRAQ


MOM ON DUTY, of course the parents should have consulted you before they let a kid dye her hair. Since they allowed it, it makes one wonder what else could be going on over there. Maybe those kids have no rules and no boundaries, and the parents let the young rule the roost. I don't know, but what I do know is that your kid could have piped up and said, "I should check with my folks." If your kid has a better understanding of boundaries, you don't need to worry about someone else's parenting.

DEAR SURLY, My fiance and I are discussing being married at the courthouse before our actual wedding ceremony -- months in advance. Our reason is he will finish graduate school and needs a place to stay -- or else it's back home.

The second reason is, if we live in separate households, it will create two sets of household bills. Under one roof we can share the expenses and save ourselves an ample amount of money to put toward our actual ceremony and honeymoon.

This is our first marriage and, we hope, our last. We want to make it a memorable one. Does this make sense, and if so, how should we approach our potential guests about our plans to 'tie the knot'? -- TO DO OR NOT TO DO IN ALABAMA


TO DO OR NOT TO DO, you can't please everybody, and obviously someone will be upset with you over being invited to a post-wedding or something like that, but your reasoning is sound, and it seems you've thought it through. Since you can't please all the people all the time, might as well bite the bullet--you'll need to deal with the snippy folks, but if they'll listen to your logic they should be convinced, and if they won't listen then to hell with them.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100302

01 March 2010

Commandeered Dear Abby: FREE KIDNEY SCREENING HELPS PUT WOMAN BACK IN THE PINK

DEAR SURLY, In March of last year, I saw Abby's column about the upcoming World Kidney Day when the National Kidney Foundation would offer free screenings around the country through their Kidney Early Evaluation Program (KEEP). You encouraged your readers to find the location of their local KEEP screenings, so I did -- figuring I had nothing to lose.

Well, my lab tests from the KEEP screening showed that my kidneys had not been properly filtering toxins from my body. Armed with those test results I made an appointment with my doctor. She had never checked my kidney function before. Once she saw the results of my kidney function tests were low, she suggested major diet and exercise changes and took me off two medications she suspected were too much for my kidneys to handle.

Today, I feel great. My blood pressure is normal, my weight is 30 pounds lighter and my kidney function is continually improving. What a blessing that I read your column that day, Abby, and went to the KEEP screening before it was too late. If I hadn't, I could be on dialysis, waiting for a kidney transplant or, worse, not here at all. -- CAROL ANN JOHNSON, INDEPENDENCE, MO.


CAROL, good that you're feeling better, but it's sad that you needed a kidney test to tell you to watch your diet and get a little exercise.

DEAR SURLY, I don't think I have a recessive personality, yet I constantly find myself in conversations with people who appear to have no interest in what I have to say. Regardless of the subject, I am never able to finish what I want to say before the other person interrupts with his/her own 'more important' story.

An example: I said, 'My mother-in-law came to visit last night ... ' Before I could get the next word out, someone started talking about an incident she suffered through with her M-I-L. She continued on for more than five minutes.

Another time, during an hour-long lunch with a girlfriend, she spent 45 minutes (I timed her) talking about herself. And then there's my co-worker who spent seven minutes of a conference we had for a project we shared discussing the project, and the rest talking about herself.

Am I expecting too much to be heard, respected, empathized with and supported by people I consider close friends and associates? What can I do to remedy this? -- LET ME FINI ...


NON-FINISHER, same things happen to me all the time. I have a problem where I like to pause for emphasis or to breathe, but most people are more interested in their own stories than you. When in that situation, I listen. Someone needs to, besides, it really messes with people when days/weeks/years later you see them and know all these little details that they don't remember telling you. Then they think you're smart and suddenly want to listen. Then use your newfound respect to tell them to sod off.

See Abby's responses at http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20100301